Earlier in the month North Korean leader and South Park star, Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack.
As everybody knows, he was an avid film buff, going so far as to have once kidnapped an admired South Korean film director and his actress wife, requesting that they help establish a North Korean film industry. But Kim Jong Il was not just a man of action, he was also a contemplative man, owning a collection of more than 20,000 films, listing amongst his favorites Friday the 13th, Rambo and Godzilla. In 1978, he also penned the classic “On the Art of Cinema,” from which this passage is lifted:
“The basic duty of the creative group is to make revolutionary films of high ideological and artistic value, which make an effective contribution to arming people fully with the Party’s monolithic ideology and which imbue the whole of society with the great Juche idea.”
Just before his death Kim Jong Il was working on his annual top ten movies of the year, a list that was eagerly awaited not just by his loyal subjects, but by the global media, too, as it often served as a harbinger for The Academy Awards. It will be missed by legions.
I present to you now the list that the he was working on:
10. Jack and Jill
This movie represents Adam Sandler at his best. Not only does he play himself, a man, but he also plays his sister, a woman! Such range and diversity! Truly it was a master class in acting and its moments of levity and unpredicted hilarity surely gave The People much to smile about as they brought glory to the great nation of North Korea! Citizens of North Korea must work hard, just as Adam Sandler works hard at his craft!
9. Country Strong
Once again Gwyneth Paltrow proves that she is an incandescent talent. In this candid expose of the dark machinery of American capitalism, Paltrow shows that with her determination, beauty and transcendent voice, The People can rise up as one in victory! (Note: In remake would call it Korea Strong, and instead of country music as setting for struggle, would use Nuclear Testing Facility! **Kidnap Gwyneth Paltrow!!)
Thor is a very personal story for me. I, too have mighty strength and the ability to fly. Just as victory in battle depends on the leadership ability of the commander, so the fate of the film depends on the star to communicate communist principles to the audience. Hemsworth owned the role! North Korea forever!! The North Korean People will never starve, for glory and strength is our bread!
7. Midnight in Paris
Woody Allen returns to form, showing The People that as a leader ages he only gets stronger and better and more powerful for the state! Imperial wolves cower in the face of mature leader!
Genre bouncing arty-action film that is as thrilling as ride on corrupt American roller coaster! Saoirse Ronan is a huge breakout star in possession of flaming talents of glory. She is a warrior for The People. The People should learn from her to always works hard! Must kidnap.
5. Martha, Marcy, May, Marlene
Compelling tone piece and mediation on mind control, illuminating methods with which to maintain power over The People. There are many lessons to be learned by great leaders. Elizabeth Olsen shows us who the most talented Olsen sister is and looks very good naked. Must kidnap for the glory of The State!
Too fucking funny! I just loved the poop scene!!
3. The Artist
Deeply laden with classical film references, this charming film shows utter mastery over the medium and that corrupt western ways will always fall to the pure, unbroken will of The People! Dog in movie also very charismatic, showing that small nation can wield enormous power! America is evil!
Ryan Gosling shows himself to have the quiet power of a young Clint Eastwood. Excellent and tense movie, tightly constructed to show that if that world does not respect North Korea or Kim Jong Il, then The People of Juche will rise up and like the nameless character in the movie, stomp the head of America and her Imperial beast allies until lazy, corrupt brains spill into elevator!
Awesome fight film, a modern Rocky! Tom Hardy is North Korean patriot who shows how corrupt and evil American military is in its aims of global domination. He fights like a beautiful Giant Panda. Terrific supporting role from Nick Nolte adds depth to a film that is sometimes in danger of playing out like a cliché, yet in the end it is a great inspiration that shows triumph of racial purity and The People of North Korea over all foes! North Korea and Tom Hardy forever! The North Korean People will always enjoy a premium lifestyle!