Kids Should Curse More

I shouldn’t give life advice to the Youth of America. I’m so bad at it that “never listen to Uncle James” is a family mantra. But I’ve been around them more as summer becomes a thing again. And I’ve noticed a few things. First, they’re doing great. Don’t let Fox News or the oxymoronic Moms for Liberty tell you otherwise. All our worrying about how they handled the pandemic and test scores don’t matter. They’re happiest running under sprinklers and arguing over which Beyblade is best. No one was catty or cliquish. No one was deliberately mean to a younger sibling. Professional fireworks shows remain a childhood delight. The older kids are handling everything life throws at them with the flexibility of youth. It was almost perfect.

But between family\friend gatherings and public firework festivities, I noticed something disturbing: the kids don’t swear like we used to. Not my nieces and nephews. Not my friends’ feral offspring. Not even 17-year-old townies swaggering around with the life experience of a mayfly. Hundreds of underage kids and not a single accidental “goddamn” or dropped f-bomb? It’s like being surrounded by a horde of Stepford Kids.

And why aren’t they cursing? Look what they deal with. Frequent school shootings. Escalating climate change. Economic uncertainty. Unaffordable higher education. More public acceptance of homophobia than they’ve experienced in their short lives. Things most of us never even considered growing up, except maybe the homophobia and when Captain Planet reminded us Earth was in a death spiral. I mean… What the f**k, kids?

Cursing effectively is a life skill that comes only after years of practice. And it’s an essential skill at that; if you can’t swear properly how will you react when you slam your thumb in the door? Or get burned making dinner? There are times when “Ow” doesn’t cut it. Even leaving aside inevitable self-injury, what about when you find yourself unexpectedly overdrawn? What if some anonymous jackass rear-ends your car in the store parking lot while you’re inside? Or the US Supreme Court hands you a massive school bill after forgiving billions in PPP loans to “small” businesses owned by millionaires? What are you supposed to say when crossing borders to end an ectopic pregnancy because your state’s doctors are too chickensh** to stand up to the legislature? It’s time to spit some expletives, boys and girls and non-binaries!

It bothers me more than it should since I live in Massachusetts. I know some states aren’t big on swearing. The last time anyone swore in Utah it created the Great Salt Lake. But we perfected the art. We use endless variations of “f**k” as verbs, nouns, adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, interjections, and punctuation. I don’t think there’s any group out there who use “f**kin’” as a comma better than Massholes. It’s barely even a curse anymore, and more of a verbal tic. But not these kids, man. It’s like four-lettered words weren’t in their vocabulary.

Maybe they’re just better at hiding it. We hid our drinking and drug use; maybe these kids expanded the concept. I hope so. Coming up with a string of insults at a moment’s notice teaches mental flexibility. The infinite variations on damn, sh**, and f**k expand one’s vocabulary in exactly the way college acceptance boards love on application essays. That makes it your responsibility, parents, to teach your kids the important stuff. It’s like sex ed. If you don’t teach your child when it’s appropriate to call someone a “f**king f**kface,” rather than just a standard “f**kface,” their friends or random strangers will. Is that what you want? Your child might end up calling the Dean of Admissions names better reserved for parking enforcement officers or drunk frat boys. And what if they run into Ted Cruz on the street? They need to be prepared. More importantly, they need to experience the unadulterated joy delivered by cursing out someone who really deserves it.

It’s ultimately up to each person how much they curse, or whether they curse at all. Some people are aswearual, and that’s okay. I respect their choices just like everyone else’s. But they still need the tools and opportunity to make their own decision. Effective cursing promotes mental and emotional health by releasing frustration in a non-violent manner. It’s scientifically proven to alleviate physical pain. It’s good for them. So swear in front of your kids. All the time. At home, at church, at the playground. Provide the essential foundation that provides them room to grow into truly foul-mouthed little sh**s. Because if you don’t, I will. And no one should listen to Uncle James.