We get it, Cromwell. You want to crack the illustrious ranks of the Pajiba 10. And maybe you will someday! Who can deny your rampant sexuality in Star Trek: First Contact, or the time you played that creepy Nazi doctor in the only halfway decent season of American Horror Story (what, I enjoyed the Asylum arc, so sue me). But hate to break it to you guy — voting is closed for the year, and the winners have been announced.
It was a nice attempt, though. We love brainy bad boys almost as much as we get turned on by the humane treatment of all creatures great and small (except, you know, the scary ones - lookin’ at you, fucking snake bastards). So turning up and joining PETA to protest the treatment of orca whales at the SeaWorld in San Diego was a good ploy — and timely too! Apparently a three-month old killer whale, the last born in captivity at SeaWorld, has just died of what appears to be pneumonia.
We hear you even wore a “SeaWorld Sucks” shirt and shouted into a megaphone. Be still our hearts!
“Orcas deserve a full life in the ocean, not a life sentence of swimming endless circles until they drop dead from disease,” you said in a statement. And we agree! Though we also sort of think PETA are a bunch of fucking clownshoes, so maybe next time find some cooler kids to protest with.
We’ll give you credit though — you really know how to hop back in the saddle. Just last month you were sentenced to 7 days in jail for refusing to pay fines related to your 2015 arrest for staging a sit-in to protest a natural gas site. We admire your passion and your “stick it to the man” attitude. We especially admire any form of protest that involves sitting. Keep this up, and maybe we’ll see you on the hotties round-up next year!