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It Is Time to Sacrifice the Waynes, So That the Harvest May Be Good

By Cinesnark | Miscellaneous | March 24, 2016 |

By Cinesnark | Miscellaneous | March 24, 2016 |

It is time to sacrifice the Waynes, so that the harvest may be good

It is time, my friends, to hold another gathering of the clans, when we come together as one and bear witness to the sacrificial offering of Thomas and Martha Wayne, so that the harvest may be good.

You may ask why we must always murder Thomas and Martha Wayne. Isn’t once enough? Or, okay, twice maybe, to mark a new beginning. But the Waynes are sacrificed every time their family name is invoked, and surely it becomes nothing more than a cheap, cruel reminder that darkness begets darkness. Perhaps we could skip the sacrifice this time, or invoke it other, subtler ways. There must be an alternative to this grim death cycle.

No! The elder gods have decreed that the Waynes must die! And it has to be the Waynes! We tried to sacrifice Jonathan Kent that one time and the elder gods were not best pleased and we have suffered their displeasure for years in the content of our internet comments sections and the burning fires of the Actually, Superman CAN Kill inferno which still rage today. The constant strife has made our fields fallow and our animals weak and sickly. We won’t survive another winter if we don’t sacrifice the Waynes immediately, restoring order and maintaining the status quo. Expectations must be met! If we don’t murder the Waynes every time their family rises to prominence, how will anyone understand the world?

To merely reference the event or, gods forgive us, skip it altogether would surely doom us to a life of confusion and misery. The world would not make sense, all would fall to confusion and chaos, if we do not witness with our own eyes the ascension of the Waynes to a state of pure martyrdom. We are committed to the old stories and to the elder gods, and so we must be committed to sacrificing the Waynes.

The cycle of birth, death, and rebirth must be reaffirmed. The Waynes must die, so that the old stories continue to function in familiar, pleasing ways. There is no room for interpretation or invention when it comes to the sacrifice of the Waynes. It must be night, it must be in an alley, there must be pearls to artfully fall to the ground and scatter, signifying the loss of innocence and that the muck and grime of the world touches even the most pure among us. Only when we have completed the sacrifice in the correct and true way, will the elder gods be satisfied, and bless us with a bountiful harvest.

Thomas and Martha Wayne nobly surrender themselves unto the earth, so that we may live. They leave behind a young son, Bruce, who I am sure will in no way be harmed by the ritualistic murder of his parents. Yeah. He’ll be fine.