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Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything: We Got Our First Question... And It's A Doozy

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | October 3, 2017 |

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | October 3, 2017 |

Howdy, Questioneers! As you may have heard, we’re trying a new experiment ‘round these parts… and we’ve already gotten our first inquiry! We were so delighted that we decided to launch our inaugural advice column early, just to give you a taste of our sweet, sweet advicey magic. And also so we can get some practice in. Ready? Let’s do this thing!

(drumroll please!)

Aaaand here’s the first question:

Equity prices (US equities in particular) seem to be overinflated, but, in this low rate environment, there’s nowhere to turn. Should I go to all cash in preparation for the down cycle, or just weather the storm when it comes?


First of all, thanks for writing to us, Ferdinand! We should have made it clearer from the outset, but we prefer to receive questions that are written in words that, you know, make sense. But we went ahead and looked up what the fuck an “equity” is, because we’re willing to go the extra mile for our readers. Here are our assorted thoughts on the matter.

By “down cycle,” are you referring to the coming apocalypse? If so, we recommend investing in Doomsday prepping: Build a bunker, fill it with fresh water, and stockpile plenty of canned foods. Spam will be the new currency.

If you’re just talking about plain ol’ economics, then congratulations on being financially solvent enough to plan ahead! Buy everyone a round of drinks, and then invest in cryptocurrency — it’s a volatile market, but fake money will be the new real money in the pre-apocalyptic future. Though you should still maybe get yourself some Spam. Can’t be too careful.

On a serious note, one of the more fiscally-minded Overlords had this to say:

“The only thing even close to a real answer is: There’s no real answer. The best advice is always to put money into safe-ish bets (stocks or equities), and leave it there forever. Or as close to forever as your life will allow. Trying to beat the market inevitably leads to losing money.”

Though, I hear lots of people are trading cash for gold these days, so maybe that’s also an option? And several Overlords shared their personal investment of choice: Wine. Sure, you may drink your investment, but you accrue sanity. And these days? That counts for a lot.

And finally, I’d like to leave you with this thought:


Is that a Power Ranger power-farting? Yes. Yes it is. MONEY!

Don’t forget to email your hot little questions to us at [email protected]. We’ll do our best/worst to answer the ones we like when we return next Tuesday. This has been your dubious internet advice of the week!

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Tori Preston is deputy editor of Pajiba. She rarely tweets here but she promises she reads all the submissions for the "Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything" column at [email protected]. You can also listen to her weekly TV podcast, Podjiba