A Helpful Field Guide To Jackasses Who Pee Weird
Yeah, you. Dude with his hands on his hips in a superhero pose at the urinal. Yeah, I see you.
And you’re not fooling anyone, pal.
Hi, Pajiba. Let’s talk about peeing at a urinal. I know we have a solid gender split in our readership that doesn’t spend a lot of time in dude’s bathrooms, so let me provide some base information so we’re all starting this article on equal footing. Because equality is important in our feminist hive.
So, for those who need the knowledge, there are two ways to pee at a urinal: 1. Like a normal human being who holds his dick, or at the very least the flaps of his pants, and then washes his hands after holding his dick, and 2. Like a validation-starved spiraling boy-child who does literally anything else.
So now that we’re all aiming at the same air freshener puck thing, let’s get down to brass tacks and make fun of guys who pee dumb. There are a few of them and I want to break down a few of the worst. Hopefully, someone who finds themselves being described here takes stock of their lives, or if you have ever felt low enough in your life to consider peeing like this, you’ll find a stronger, more positive way to find validation.
Nathan No Hands
You walk into a bathroom and there he is, hands on his hips and eyes towards the heavens. Chances are, he groans a time or two. I will never understand you, Nathan No Hands. What is the point of this? Are you trying to mimic receiving oral sex? Supreme Glengarry Monologue confidence? Instead of flushing, do you make eye contact with the urinal and whisper, ‘fuck you, that’s my name,’ while you swivel your hips a bit? Who are you? What happens if your wiener goes rogue and you pee off target? That shit happens sometimes, man. It’s just a matter of time and physics. Only a matter of time before you piss your Dockers. Only a matter of time before you really have to be honest with yourself.
And then there’s the groaning, but I want to roll that into another category…
Groans. Whistling. Random words. Stop sounding like Wiley E Coyote cumming when you pee, Nathan Noises. Just shut the fuck up and pee. You’re not impressing anyone in this room. We are not here to be impressed. We are here to pee.
But what do I know? Maybe your groans are involuntary. I’ve made some sounds in the bathroom before. But I’ve never performed them the way you do. You do it like you’re going to open the bathroom door and step directly onto a yacht. But whatever, maybe you can’t help the noises. I’ll give them 40 percent of a pass.
But not the whistling. Stop whistling while you pee. It doesn’t make you sound carefree. It gets me annoyed that you’re such a fuckboi. Stop whistling while you pee.
Nathan Networth is very busy doing very busy business. So he does his business while he does his business. The next time someone is at the urinal next to me on a business call I’m going to yell, ‘he’s talking to you while he pees!’ as loud as I can. You’re not that busy or successful. If you were, you’d have your own bathroom in your office. So quit acting like you’re above the rest of the cattle and just pee like a normal human being does it: eyes gazing into the lower distance, quiet, and humble.
Fun fact about all three of these Nathans: They are the most likely to try to give you a business card while you’re washing your hands. So shame these people when you see them. They need that rude awakening so that they can start healing.
Also I’ve got beef with a dude named Nathan, but that’s a whole different article.