Your Definitive Guide to the Belts of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

By Rebecca Pahle | Marvel Movies | April 30, 2015 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Marvel Movies | April 30, 2015 |

With Avengers: Age of Ultron coming out tomorrow, there’s the usual preponderance of insightful, intelligent posts on the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Where it’s been, where it’s going, why there’s so little Black Widow merch. It’s only fair that I step up and do my part to enrich the dialogue about the franchise in some meaningful way, right?

Here are some belts.

Cap is looking at the camera like he knows Rob Liefeld is watching him, tongue out and ready to trace delicately along the outlines of the pouches gracing his computer screen. You’re scaring him, Rob! Stop!

Motherfucking crispydicking Jesus—two belts. TWO BELTS. I’m aghast at the sheer audacity of it. This gets my utmost respect and the Sheriff Harry Truman Award for Extreme Beltiness.

Looks like Widow lost some of her belt mojo between Iron Man 2 and Winter Soldier. One belt, and it’s not even staying up properly. One and a half out of five stars.

Nazi belt. 0/10 no stars.

I’m getting a frothy peach aroma with notes of… oregano?

What is that tiny, knotted belt around Toby Jones’ neck? This is bullshit.

Oh, that’s right, this guy existed. Your belt is bad and you should feel bad.

This belt is really bringing negative energy into my vibration and affecting me on a physical level. It needs a little something extra… wait, I think I’ve got it.

This belt gets a citation for its failure to effectively hide Don Cheadle’s thunder.

“Come at me, brah! So what if I’m not wearing a belt, brah? I’M ROBERT REDFORD, BRAH.”

And finally, the best belt in the MCU, though I am open to others taking up my mantle and exploring the subject in further depth. This one’s for your everything, Peggy:

“Just go ahead and write the belt post,” said Rebecca, while also having a Twitter. “It’ll be hilaaaaarious.”