9:59 - “This was the beautiful mess we hoped it would be.” Yes, Tina, it was. All that and more. Thank you all for playing along at home and I’m sorry I hurt you with that Fassbender admission. Mwah!
9:55 - OK, Johnny Depp has Johnny Depped his way down the Johnny Depp rabbit hole so far that I’m amazed he is speaking actual words.
9:51 - Everyone is very upset about Fassbender, so I feel like now is as good a time to admit the following: a) I do not get the moistened lions over that guy at all in the slightest, b) he has rapey-face. He is terrifying.
9:49 - I like that Taylor Swift had to move her Casa Bonita saloon photobooth picture dress out of the way for McConaughey.
9:48 - Everything that is happening on Chastain is terrible right now. Hair, dress, necklace, all of it.
9:45 - OK, I haven’t seen Blue Jasmine. Is it good? Like, legit good, not just critic-jackoff good? I got real burned on Midnight in Paris because that was fucking insufferable.
9:44 - “Like a supermodel’s vagina…” Oh, Paula Patton’s dress?
9:41 - Another Olympic year, another Procter & Gamble commercial I cry at every time, despite pretty much being about parents who put their tiny children in harm’s way to get that gold.
9:39 - I hope American Hustle is made into a musical with a huge number called “Science Oven.”
9:38 - Drew Barrymore says “COM-edd-ee” the way Jenna Maroney says “CAM-err-ahh.”
9:36 - I was going to ask what Laura Jeanne Poon was even doing there, but then I rememberd Mud which was nominated for nothing but at least it was a movie that happened this year.
9:35 - OK, Reese Witherspoon, NO YOU DIDN’T grow up hearing about Solomon Northup. Be real here.
9:31 - Can I be honest for a quick minute? I haven’t seen 12 Years a Slave yet. I know it’s outstanding, but I know I’ll have a hard time watching it. I have a really hard time with movies where I feel that many feelings. I mean, there’s no break there. No fun to be had. Just…the weight of terrible.
9:29 - Now seems like a great time to post this picture because it makes me laugh hysterically. Jonah loves Leo!
9:27 - EARNED. I loved Joaquin and Dern as much as the next Pajiban, but I cannot even tell you how much I adored DiCapz in WoWS.
9:24 - Can you IMAGINE if this carries over to the Emmys? If the reign of Modern Family and Jim Parsons is usurped by Andy Samberg? And then everyone re-discovered how amazing Hot Rod is? That’s a magical future.
9:21 - HOLY SHIT, PART 2. For realz?
9:20 - Jesus, Uma, too? Everyone is dressed like a damn mess.
9:20 - Apparently no one in the room hangs out online, because no one got that Michael Bay joke.
9:19 - Aw, I was hoping his “most of all” would be “and thank you to splodey-faced Indian guy.”
9:18 - This is the best Sandra Bullock has dressed in years, by the way. Her stylist hates her come awards season.
8:16 - This was a great year for movies and the awards season has been packed with incredible films, but I would have been very sad if people forgot about Gravity. Good goddamn, was that an experience.
9:15 - Something about Liam Neeson’s latter-day career made that whole Gravity synopsis really threatening.
9:12 - That whole speech could have been saved by Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn dancing out on stage and taking Keaton to the alley for a song.
9:04 - “I mean, sure, he’s a horrific human being and sexual deviant, but my what jaunty scores and rapier dialogue!” - everyone
9:03 - I love Emma Stone more than I love most things. I think she is precious and adorable and flawless. But…honey…what is this? What is this dress? What is happening? Why is it what is it what is its purpose?
8:58 - I can’t tell if that Kate Winslet/Josh Brolin movie looks awful or if it’s just that Rihanna song.
8:56 - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMY!
8:56 - Massagine Amy Poehler? Best thing Bono has ever done for society.
8:55 - Remember when everyone thought Emilia Clarke was going to be in that 50 Shades mess? Awesome.
8:54 - Oh Colin Farrell. You look as handsome as your new movie looks terrible.
8:53 - Here’s the thing. I have not yet seen Frozen because Tiny One is too small to care (she barely tolerated Despicable Me 2) but I know I love it and I will own it the second it is released. I love literally everything about it.
8:52 - Oh no. Emma Watson looks so pretty, but her blush looks like mine all through high school. It took me a while to learn.
8:47 - They always call actors “brave” when simulated buttsex is involved.
8:45 - Michael Douglas and his perfectly taut face win for Gay Fancytimes (I keep misspelling “candelabra”) and, in more important news, he’s apparently back with Catherine and I don’t know why but I really needed that.
8:43 - OK, I’m tired, but in my head I heard Tina Fey say “Megan Mullally, star of Tammy” instead of Melissa McCarthy and I was so excited at the idea of a Tammy spinoff.
8:42 - Oh, nevermind, he and Paulo Sorrentino just called each other to be all hair matchy.
8:40 - Orlando Bloom. What the Edward Scissorhands is happening to your hair, boy?
8:36 - I know people are going to be mad, but I looooooooooooooove Brooklyn Nine-Nine and if this gets more people to watch, that is just aces. Also, I totally forgot he Andy Samberg is married to Joanna Newsom. Aw.
8:34 - WHAT? HOLY SHIT. If any of you bet on that, you deserve every dollar.
8:33 - GUH, Julie Bowen’s dress is an uglier version of Amy Adams dress which is already hideous and a half.
8:32 - The fer-cuteness of Laura Dern presenting Nebraska makes up for my ambivalence about her new hair color.
8:29 - Spike Jonze is so delightfully wonderful. I want to see a movie about his marriage to Sofia Coppola and not just the obnoxious Giovanni Ribisi subplot in Lost in Translation because I bet everything about that relationship was insufferable.
8:27 - OH MY GOD. Emma Thompson brought up her martini and is holding her shoes. EVERYONE STOP EVERYTHING AND PUT ALL THE AWARDS THAT ARE LEFT IN A DOGGIE BAG FOR HER.
8:23 - “I didn’t do film for six years. I was pursuing other dreams.” On behalf of people with ears, I wouldn’t be hurt if you maybe just stuck with film.
8:22 - Jordan Catalano and his greasy, terrible ponytail for the win.
8:18 - Ooh, sneak appearance by Robin Wright’s boob tape. Let’s call it Princess Tittercup.
8:17 - Jesus, Schilling. Orange is the new skintone apparently.
8:16 - Can you imagine the lovechild of Idris Elba and Tina Fey? Like, it’s too much.
8:14 - How cute and not at all in the slightest bit resembling her parents is Kyra and Kevin’s daughter?
8:08 - Amy Adams may have won the Golden Globe, but Greta Gerwig wins for Person Who Becomes an Entirely Different Human Being Based Solely Upon Hair Color.
8:06 - Robert Downey, Jr. just appeared. My vagina just jumped at the TV and I am now hanging there like a suction-cup Garfield on a car window.
8:05 - Next pregnancy, I want a sparkly scuba dress like Olivia Wilde. And you will get it for me OR I QUIT.
8:03 - I gave up on Ray Donovan after the third episode of “He knows what he did!” and “After what he did?!” and “You know what you did!” because I stopped caring what Jon Voight did.
8:02 - Amber Heard looks like she’s recently arrived from the Capitol of Panem.
8:00 - That said, you know T. Swizzlesticks is so sad she is but an afterthought tonight. Last year she got a whole bunch of fans to tweet-attack a beloved actor with Parkinson’s; this year she’s literally nothing. That’s the kind of night I appreciate. She’s going to write the worst song about it.
7:57 - Seriously though at any lesser award show there would have been an immediate cutaway to Swift’s face. And that’s why I love lesser award shows.
7:56 - Speech cutoff guy is backstage all “shiiiiiit I can’t cut him off when he’s talking about Mandela.”
7:55 - DIDDY JUST SANG “LET IT FLOW” TO THE TUNE OF “LET IT SNOW” AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN DRUNKER.
7:53 - Wow, that Taylor Swift song was a real whiplash of terrible after all those good songs.
7:51 - Sean “Drunky” Combs. Also, except for Usher, everyone on stage has called themselves Puffy at one point or another. (That’s mostly a stoner joke but it’s also referring to that one time Kate Beckinsale at an M&M.)
7:50 - MY GOD, the awards for LaBeoufiest Hair and Boomerangiest Eyebrows go to Alex Ebert and his date.
7:49 - Kate Beckinsale, Usher and Sean “Diddy” Combs. What are literally all three of those people doing here?
7:48 - I haven’t seen Philomena yet but aw, Actual Philomena, bless her.
7:42 - I mean, if it had gone any other way, if any showbut Breaking Bad had taken it, there would have been riots. Stevia sales would have gone bonkers.
7:41 - “She looks like a swan gone wrong.” - my husband.
7:40 - OK, I don’t know why I had to pick right then to fix my post (I was going backwards with the newest at the bottom which is NOT how I do this) but BRYAN CRANSTON and also, what the shit was Paula Patton just wearing? How is she wearing the most fabric I’ve ever seen and showing the most nipple of the night?
7:34 - Can someone Pinterest some manner of hack to give me Tina Fey’s hair? I don’t ask for much.
7:31 - EW just won the night with this comparison:
7:28 - Taylor Swift is basically human garbage at award shows like this but I like to think she’s mouthing “shut the fuck up” after every win just to taste viral gold again.
7:27 - Elisabeth Moss just thanked the manager she’s had for 21 years. My husband and I in unison: “how old is she?!”
7:26 - Yay Peggy! Why can’t anyone get anywhere near the stage? Jesus.
7:25 - I really thought Jessica Lange was having some fancy work done until I got a new intensely HD TV and realized how naturally fierce she is.
7:24 - In an unrelated story, I have a zillion tabs open and my email just told me that The Loft is having a 70%-off flash sale so feel free to start shopping for a quick mind then come back to me.
7:23 - Except those loopholes didn’t work because Behind the Candelabra won for best use of Rob Lowe’s face.
7:22 - I always think I have no skin in the miniseries game until I remember “Oh snap, AHS and Top of the Lake because shows I like find loopholes.”
7:19 - Dustin comes through like a damn champion. GAZE UPON HIM.
7:17 - YOU DO NOT PLAY OUT JACQUELINE BISSET. Especially with that nonsense music.
7:14 - Jacqueline Bisset just won and she is weeping and she is without flaw. You go, Jackie B.
7:13 - OH MY GOD if one of you didn’t manage to screencap Aziz behind Sophia Vergara I will weep.
7:12 - Julia wants to “WHO’S NATALIE?” Jennifer Lawrence so bad right now. She is filled with haterage but in the best way because she’s the best bitch.
7:11 - And Jennifer Lawrence takes the first win of the night. Some of you are sick of her. I call some of you LIFE FAILURES and FLAWED HUMANS.
7:10 - “We’re gonna get this show done in three hours, or as Martin Scorcese calls it, Act One!”
7:05 - I forgot to tell you about my blog juice for the evening. I’m drinking Chime Pinot Noir because I have fucking grade school to pay for in a few years so shut up. At this time I ask you to think of my sister-in-blog, Joanna Robinson, who is blogging for Vanity Fair tonight like some fancy eleetist and is dry this month. Pour some out for her (into my facehole).
7:03 - Can we real quick discuss how many dollars I’d give and children I’d sacrifice for the chance to have spent ten minutes on the set of August: Osage County and watched the passive-aggressive bitch fest between Meryl and Julia? Like, THAT IS ONLY MY DREAM.
7:01 - For the record, the best line of the night already happened when Jennifer Lawrence said to Taylor Swift, “I was gonna come in and push you down the stairs” solidifying her place as flawless hero to all mankind. Also, Taylor Swift called Lena Dunham her best friend which is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever heard or imagined.
“My other best friends are Kurt Vonnegut and Orin from P&R!!”
7:00 - EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP, MY FRIENDS ARE HERE.*
* Friends here mean Amy and Tina and their pretty hairs.
6:59 - I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided Matthew McConaughey’s wife is my new dream job. You get to have pretty hair and wear pretty dresses and not do shit else except deal with his anti-deodorant lifestyle and naked drum circles.
6:57 - If I see that commercial with the chick with the stupid laugh one more time I will punch a baby. Don’t do that to me when I have this kind of access to a baby.
6:50 - Like. Look at Zoe Saldana. She is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. And she is covered in fugly. Sparkles and sheers and pink straps at haphazard random and WHY? Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a hip belt to match her waist belt. And have you seen Drew Barrymore?! She’s pregnant! She has enough to deal with! And they stapled silk flowers all over a muumuu and called it a night. No.
6:46 - I need to talk about how these people are dressed. Amy Adams is wearing two different reds, both of which clash with her hair. Hayden Panettiere is wearing black and white ’90s butthole. Julia Roberts is wearing a dress over a shirt like the award-show version of wearing a dress over bike shorts.
6:45 - Let’s go. I’m going to warn you though. Either everyone is dressed like goddamn garbage, or I have the crankies because I got vomited on by a toddler. One of those.