Let’s begin with the obvious: this is probably a bad idea. A Bachelorette live-blogger should, at bare minimum, watch the show on a fairly regular basis. Or know the Bachelorette’s name without needing Google’s services. Or enjoy reality television.
I fall into none of the aforementioned categories. The number of Bachelorette episodes I’ve watched this season correlates exactly to the number of unprotected fucks given about the Bachelorette: zero. But our reality television coverage basically consists of RuPaul’s Drag Race GIFs, and my wife has bugged me all season to watch this with her, so I’m killing multiple birds with one rock tonight.
If you’re here for a serious recap or stunning insight into Kaitlyn Bristowe’s attempt to find a soulmate by “dating” a baseball team’s worth of dudes on camera (and I feel no differently about Bachelors who follow the same delusional script), I recommend clicking the back button on your browser and exploring all the other great content our site has to offer. I’m going old school mock and droll tonight, with occasional attempts at humor guaranteed to backfire in every possible way. It’ll be fun! I think.
Note: We’re on God’s Time tonight. Those of you used to Courtney’s pagan Central timestamps need to get with the program.
7:50 — Pre-gaming with some Inside Edition on ABC. A lady with a Faberge egg dress is warning me about Uber drivers killing children. We’re off to a rousing start.
7:52 — Genre-appropriate snacks? Check. (I bought this a week ago and have been too scared to crack open the bag).
7:57 — Which bearded white man with his hand in his suit pocket will Kaitlyn choose? This is the pressing question of our time.
8:00 — I don’t have any drinking games prepared for this show. If you’re reading this AND watching the Bachelorette finale just drink everything in your home including all cleaning products because you have bottomed out.
8:04 — So the guy trying to marry Kaitlyn doesn’t like the other guy who wants to marry Kaitlyn? These two dudes are petty as shit.
8:07 — Kaitlyn just told her mom that Nick can’t keep his hands off her. The same Nick who is about to meet said parents. If my daughter told me this and the guy showed up 10 minutes later, I’d give him the Colin Ferrell speech from last night’s True Detective.
8:10 — “Why are you here, Nick?” “To put my hands all over your daughter.”
8:11 — Nick looks like Cole Hauser. Keep expecting him to pull out a paddle and beat the piss out of some freshmen.
8:13 — COMMERCIAL BREAK! Here’s a random video from my YouTube history to pass the time.
8:15 — ABC just promoed yet another Bachelor spinoff by showing a girl flush out her sinuses for 15 seconds. Give it 24 hours before NBC orders Blake Shelton take a dump for a Voice commercial.
8:17 — Nick has like 16 bead bracelets on his right arm. This dude is deep into hipster Wonder Woman cosplay.
8:20 — Kaitlyn’s dad is John Hawkes’ looper.
8:21 — Kaitlyn’s dad, or John Hawkes? There is no wrong answer.
8:25 — /laughs at the people throwing on dresses to go watch a reality television show in a cramped studio
/gets super excited to wear a jersey and go to NFL preseason game next month
8:27 — The trim on Kaitlyn’s stepdad’s shirt is nine fire emojis plus 15 thumbs up emojis
8:29 — Kaitlyn’s sister: “I’m definitely willing to give Shawn a chance now that he brought me a present.”
8:31 — Odds Kaitlyn’s mom throws herself at Nick 3-to-1 right now.
8:32 — “My daughter told me she banged the other guy. Did she tell you that? Oh, she did? Well, um, just thought you should know.”
8:33 — I’d be OK with the Shawn guy dating my daughter. Well, not really because she’s an infant and he’s in his 30s, but you know what I mean.
8:35 — Kaitlyn’s mom crying because Shawn asked to marry Kaitlyn and not her.
8:38 — COMMERCIAL BREAK! Another random YouTube history video.
8:40 — ABC set up a Bachelor edition of Celebrity Wife Swap? Must have been difficult given none of these people ever stay together after the show. It’s almost as if returning to the real world after months of paid international vacations and random hookups takes a toll on the relationship.
8:42 — Are those the same wineglasses from Kaitlyn’s parents’ house?
8:44 — These two have been making out on a boat for three straight minutes. How do people watch this show for a full season? I’ve been watching for 45 minutes and my head is about to split open like a melon.
8:47 — ABC just previewed Ken Jeong’s new show by having him talk to a random woman’s vagina for 30 seconds. I guess I know what I’ll be doing Fridays this fall.
8:50 — Nick grinning at Kaitlyn like he just slipped five roofies in her drink.
8:52 — “I got you something; it’s in my bedroom.” That line doesn’t work post-college, bro. Trust me.
8:53 — Nick just wrote the lyrics from the True Detective credits song and gave them to Kaitlyn. She’s blown away.*
*this may not be accurate
8:55 — Kaitlyn says she can see Nick as her husband. Assume she’ll say the same thing about the other guy in 10 minutes.
8:57 — Holy Christ this show is boring. Ray Velcoro must have watched this to come down from his coke binge.
9:00 — “I woke up this morning with my heart pounding out of my chest.” Try watching The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn. That’ll mellow you right the fuck out.
“Do you have sunscreen on?”
Pizzolatto write this episode?
9:05 — Me, now:
9:10 — Shawn: “Everything she’s doing, everything she’s saying, the fact that she’s on a reality game show where multiple men fight for her affection, makes me wonder what’s going on.”
9:14 — “Do you have any questions for me?”
“Yeah, so you said you match the 401k contributions up to a certain percent. Is there a minimum I need to contribute in order to trigger the match, or…”
9:17 — I was about to make a joke about Shawn’s junk jar, but my wife looked at me and said, “You better not make fun of this, it’s so nice.” So assume I said something funny about the jar. This will be difficult given the number of lame jokes delivered so far, but try. For me.
9:19 — “It’s hard to believe that two people who hate each other as much as Shawn and Nick would be the final two.” Yes, this is incredibly difficult to comprehend.
9:23 — Just called Verizon and begged them to shut off my Internet until 10 pm. First time in history a cable representative refused to disconnect someone’s service.
9:24 — Shawn and Nick have similar serial-killer esque penmanship.
9:26 — Nick believes he’s an acquired taste. Agree that boiled cat feces takes a little while to get used to.
9:28 — I wish someone would give me a jar. And that someone is Mags Bennett.
9:32 — WHICH WHITE GUY WILL KAITLYN DUMP IN 10 MONTHS?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME WHICH I’M GRATEFUL FOR BECAUSE I WELCOME THE REAPER!
9:34 — Agree with one of these sentences
I feel like I'm going to throw up. This may be my favorite season! #TheBachelorette— Holly Julian (@HollyDurst) July 28, 2015
9:35 — I want to personally thank each and every one of you for following along with me tonight. And I can literally do that because there are only six of you.
9:37 — Whew, she picked the white guy in the suit. That was close. Almost picked the white guy in the suit. That would have been a DISASTER!
9:39 — /subscribes to this person’s newsletter
If ur on Twitter and ur gonna get mad cuz people are gonna "ruin" the ending. GET OFF NOW!! We don't need ur problems!! #TheBachelorette— Carly Waddell (@carlywaddell) July 28, 2015
9:41 — If anyone on earth shouldn’t be confused about what’s going on right now, it’s the guy who already lost this show once before.
9:44 — /Photoshops Nick’s head on Susan Lucci’s body
9:47 — Nick just chucked a $100,000 diamond on the ground like it’s a burned french fry.
9:48 — Dead silence in the studio like the audience just witnessed an ISIS beheading.
9:51 — Vacation is going to make $600 million dollars, isn’t it?
9:53 — Oil is going to get cancelled so fast they should have named it There Will Be Dud.
9:55 — Current activity: slamming pots and pans together hoping my kid wakes up so I have an excuse to take a break.
9:56 — Seems senselessly cruel to make the dudes give a heart-wrenching speech to a woman who might respond with “Sorry, I’m picking the other guy.” Can you imagine if the rest of the world worked this way?
“I can’t say enough about Russell Wilson’s poise in that situation. Great throw, great playcall. Back-to-back Super Bowl wins baby! Also, did you know that burning jet fuel can’t get hot enough to melt steel beams?” — Pete Carroll
9:59 — “I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Including you banging those other guys on a television show. Builds character and strengthens our relationship.”
10:00 — Well, that’s that. Kaitlyn and Shawn will live happily ever after for the next 12-16 months. Thanks for swinging by, and don’t forget to WAIT JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST THERE’S ANOTHER HOUR OF THIS NONSENSE?!
10:04 — Chris Harrison pulling out advanced sabermetrics on this after show. “It happens sometimes that the person who gets the first impression rose ends up being the final choice.”
10:06 — Can’t wait to hear Nick’s side of the story:
Chris Harrison: “What do you think went wrong, Nick?”
Nick: “She picked the other guy.”
Chris: “Thanks so much for coming by.”
10:08 — Courtney is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better at this
10:10 — Nick must be thrilled to come back and answer questions in front of a live audience about how it feels when the girl he loves rejects him for another guy. Again.
10:12 — “There were some texts, some phone calls, even a video chat. There were also a few faxes, smoke signals, the occasional message in a bottle, and I once carved ‘I love you’ into the side of her car.”
10:15 — “Why does Shawn hate you so much?”
“Because I banged his fiancee.”
10:18 — Apparently the next season’s Bachelorette just leaked online. Spoilers ahead.
10:23 — I hope their feet touch.
10:24 — “Isn’t everyone really the same on a fundamental, cellular level? We’re all just sacks of meat trying to make our way through this world and the next.” — Chris Harrison
10:25 — Nick lamenting he didn’t have enough time to get to know another dude. What is happening?
10:29 — I would quit my job to watch a show where people who banged the same person have to talk through their issues with one another in front of a well-dressed audience.
10:30 — “Would you two sworn enemies like to hug each other? No? How about a quick handy then?”
10:31 — Which show is getting cancelled first: Blood and Oil, or Quantico? Or every new NBC show?
10:34 — Orioles walked off. I missed it, though, because I’m trying to come up with passable jokes about a reality television post-show.
10:35 — Our cat just walked in, looked at the TV, and left. He’s the smartest mammal in this house.
10:37 — Recap of Nick’s night: gets rejected by the girl he was in love with, then has to go on a live television show to answer questions about how that felt. Afterwards, he has to share a couch with the guy who beat him out for Kaitlyn’s affection — a guy who hates him, BTW — then has to talk to Kaitlyn about what went wrong with their relationship. Assuming this ends with a doctor walking out and telling Nick he has terminal cancer, followed by his Prudential agent calling to tell him he forgot to sign his life insurance policy.
10:45 — “Will it be hard five hours later? Will it still hurt?”
10:48 — Nick has douche stench leaking from all orifices, but he makes some fair points about the way he got shitcanned. There’s no reason Kaitlyn couldn’t have…what the hell am I even doing right now?
10:53 — Never have I been so excited to watch the local news. TELL ME THE RESULT OF THE ZONING BOARD COMMISSION MEETING, PLEASE!!!
10:55 — “This season, well, it’s over!” Five minutes early, Chris Harrison. Owe you one.
10:57 — Bachelor in Paradise appears to have a virgin birth this season. So there’s that to look forward to.
Thanks for stopping by, everyone. I’ll resume normal writing responsibilities later this week. If you enjoyed this, great. If not, also great. Either way, I’m never doing this again.