11:24 - Guys I’m just still kind of sitting here. I…I guess… bye?
11:17 - I DON’T KNOW HOW TO END THIS. PLAY ME OFF, SOMEONE. This was literally the 2016-2017iest way this could have possibly gone.
11:14 - I’m rewatching because WHAT THE FUCK EVEN
11:11 - WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED WHAT?
11:08 - And La La Land wins because Hillary didn’t campaign hard enough in Wisconsin or something. Whatever.
11:07 - But not good laughter or anything oh please god I TAKE IT BACK.
11:05 - I just thought about how hard I will burst into laughter if like Hacksaw Ridge or something wins.
11:00 - No lie detected.
I can hear @courtenlow begging the Oscars to cut away to Andrew right now.— Rebecca Pahle (@RebeccaPahle) February 27, 2017
10:57 - Emma is my shining light and the only LLL-related win I AM NOT HERE TO FAULT.
10:51 - Brie Larson deserves another Oscar for that polite smile and civil hug.
10:48 - Love and light to Brie who is DONE saying Casey Affleck’s name.
10:48 - I don’t remember typing anything just now. Why are these marks on my arm?
10:47 - Apparently Sam Worthington was in Hacksaw Ridge.
10:44 - I really hope LLL winning director is good news for Moonlight taking Best Picture. BUT I THOUGHT LOTS OF THINGS ON NOV. 8 TOO SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW.
10:34 - YAYYYYYYY!!!!! Moonlight for all the things!
10:31 - I actually made the Chloe face at Manchester by the Sea winning. Because. Like. It’s fine? Like this is cleaning up awards left and right and we’ve all seen this movie, maybe 10 times.
10:29 - OK this whole Oscars could be JUST Damon trolling and I’d like it way more.
10:29 - I snorted at “and guest.”
10:24 - That was…shorter than I think it should have been.
10:20 - Ah fuck me this is gonna hurt.
10:19 - God bless him, Lin even loses like a goddamn sunbeam.
10:17 - And that was the second time I said “fuck this.” JUSTICE FOR LIN.
10:17 - So much Asian representation tonight.
10:15 - This was the first award of the night I audibly said “fuck that.” The Moonlight score pierced me through the goddamn heart.
10:13 - Jimmy had literally no idea how to talk to Lin aside from the tired “Hamilton tickets cost money like all Broadway shows do; weird” joke but I could watch Lin be #blessed for all eternity.
10:10 - Awwww Chrissy Teigen looking so lovingly and proudly at John Legend:
10:07 - If John Legend performed the whole soundtrack from La La Land I’d be SO into it.
10:03 - I did LOL at the dog that looks like Tilda Swinton though.
Now's probably a good time to remind everyone about this dog that looks like Tilda Swinton. pic.twitter.com/PtpE8iX1MO— The Natidude (@TheNatidude) August 6, 2015
10:00 - I’ve been at this almost three and a half hours and thanks to a heinous headache I’ve just realized I’m not wearing my glasses.
9:56 - I just figured out what is getting to me about these segments. The auditorium goes dark and there’s a slow zoom on the screen so it keeps looking like there’s about to be an In Memoriam segment and then BOOM THERE’S MERYL and I’m like NOT TODAY, SATAN.
9:39 - You know I feel like they just keep giving Hacksaw Ridge awards to try and prove they didn’t *just* nominate it for things so Andrew and Emma would be at all the same events and get back together.
9:24 - So little lady is having a rough time getting to sleep so I decided to interview her.
“What was your favorite movie this year?”
“What was your favorite part?”
“The beginning. I’ll type now. ek’
My kid’s not as good at this as Dustin’s or TK’s.
9:19 - I HATE THIS.
9:13 - Jamie dislikes Dakota to the point he can’t even get on board with her cute award show banter.
9:11 - Zootopia! Guys I get so excited when animated movies I’ve seen win. Usually it’s a very serious French cartoon about old dying women.
9:08 - GAEL GARCIA BERNAL: POCKET BOYFRIEND KING
9:07 - I don’t like this thing. I don’t like this “embarrass/shock/same diff the normals.”
9:04- OK but what you should have done during that performance is Google “sting yoga.”
8:58 - Asghar Farhadi is boycotting the Oscars because of Trump’s Muslim ban. In his stead, he sent Anousheh Ansari and Firouz Naderi.
8:55 - This is a very important Oscar moment to remind us how incredible The Apartment is and how much we love Shirley MacLaine and to try and make us forget that “find the democracy within” fuckery.
8:45 - Remember the other day when Emily was all “How to Get Away with Murder is sure a shitty show?” SHE IS A MONSTER DO NOT LISTEN TO HER. THAT IS A WHOLE SHOW OF VIOLA ACTORATING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
8:44 - GODDAMN YES IT DOES.
8:41 - YOU GIVE VIOLA HER AWARD NOW, MARK RYLANCE.
8:35 - To Seth: I tried asking Jules to type something because you think she’d be SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME and she just kept asking to go to NickJr.com. So you get NOTHING.
8:32 - That thing when there’s three people who win and the first two get to make speeches and the third gets cut off? I HATE THAT THING.
8:29 - “Anybody read those ‘Brutally Honest Oscar Voter articles on Hollywood Reporter? The one consistent thing is that every single voter outside of the sound engineers have no clue how sound editing and sound mixing are different. People just vote for whatever in this category.” - ctkat1 Real talk? Kind of neither do I and I went to film school for a year.
8:27 - I don’t care for this angle of Chris Evans looking down at us. It’s disconcerting.
8:26 - Why does the Oscars keep trying to feed these people who don’t eat?
8:21 - I’m not getting to say a ton in the last ten minutes because this conversation keeps happening on repeat:
“Mommy, I want the computer.”
“No, babe, I’m working.”
“I WANT TO WORK. GIVE ME THE COMPUTER AND I WILL WORK.”
So if this gets really good or whatever it’s probably her.
8:20 - Auli’i Cravalho did a lovely and wonderful job.
8:14 - SWEET BABY ANGEL LINNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
8:13 - I do not want to see Mel Gibson reacting to a joke ever again as long as I live.
8:10 - OJ: Made in America was an outstanding doc. Outstanding.
8:09 - Real life Katherine Johnson looking REGAL. She is 98 and she is a hero and this is lovely.
8:04 - Literally too soon for Bill Paxton Titanic clips, Rolex.
8:01 - Guys I straight up forgot that Allied was a movie. It was murdered by the divorce heard ‘round the world. But it does not matter because of the Fantastic Beasts as foretold by Stine apparently.
7:59 - The Kenny Loggins realness on last guy’s hair is so beautiful.
7:58 - I still cannot believe Suicide Squad was nominated AND AS I TYPED THAT IT WON SO I CAN REALLY NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING.
7:57 - This is a very dumb joke and Kate is SO GOOD that it was fine.
7:56 - Ooh that was the first I’ve seen Ruth Negga so far and she looks adorable.
7:52 - …Is that “You Can’t Stop the Beat”?
7:51 - And then Kimmel comes in with the name joke.
You receive the greatest honor of your career and immediately after a white man reminds you that you are different. What fuckery.— roxane gay (@rgay) February 27, 2017
7:49 - YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you haven’t seen Moonlight yet, and please do, his was such a beautiful and deceptively simple performance. The whole movie was just perfect. Also, he just had a baby like two four days ago! (he corrected me in his speech while I was saving that)
7:48 - Michael Shannon when he loses:
7:47 - Hedges > Affleck in Manchester by the Sea.
7:45 - Alicia Vikander is very orange. And I seem to remember her being very orange last year. Someone have a Vikandervention.
7:44 - Aw, I like this montage thing. Sometimes they kill cute stuff like this but I hope it keeps up the whole time.
7:40 - The fact that no one got that Moonlight joke in the room does not bode well. Shit.
7:39 - Hi my baby was eating Play-Doh so I missed most of this so far. I heard ponytail jokes about Matt Damon and that’s it.
7:35 - That was awful. Seth MacFarlane had a more successful opening song.
7:34 - I need a gif of Jackie Chan blandly clapping LIKE, YESTERDAY.
7:33 - Denzel to Justin: “Do not address me.”
7:32 - My daughter is SUPER into Trolls right now. It’s…cute. It’s fine. It REALLY bothers me that there’s one original musical-type song and then every other song is covers and this nonsensefuckery.
7:30 - Oh. Good. We’re starting with Justin. And Justin is looking just like every third note: hella sharp.
7:25 - Y’ALL IS THAT HOW YOU PRONOUNCE GIVENCHY? HAS THAT BEEN TRUE THIS WHOLE TIME?
7:23 - My friends, we need to put it into the universe right now. Emma and Andrew WILL GET BACK TOGETHER AND MAKE A MILLION BABIES TONIGHT.
7:22 - Speaking of bad man, here’s Mel Gibson.
7:21 - I’m so confused by this TV show about Baby HG Wells and Sexy Jack the Ripper. I just listened to a whole bunch of Last Podcast on the Lefts about him and Jack the Ripper tore out a whole bunch of sex worker intestines. It’s WEIRD we’re making him a TV sexy bad man.
7:19 - OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, HOW RUDE OF ME. I’m drinking my usual Bridlewood cabernet, retailing for $29 and on sale for $14.
7:18 - Charlize Theron’s hair is upsetting.
7:15 - We’re all talking about Mahershala Ali and deservedly so, BUT GODDAMN, Naomie Harris was incredible perfection in Moonlight. In a year she wasn’t up against Viola, I’d be rooting hard.
7:12 - Let’s address the dancing white elephant in the room. Moonlight DESERVES to beat La La Land. But after November 8 and the Super Bowl I CANNOT TRUST ANYTHING. I will tell you that if Justin Timberlake wins a fucking Oscar I will burn this place to the ground.
7:06 - La La Land is tied for most Oscars with Titanic AND MY FAVORITE MOVIE ALL ABOUT EVE, A MASTERPIECE OF FEMINISM AND CINEMA? The Titanic part makes a lot of sense, actually—that’s a very fair comparison.
7:01 - OK I want to talk some more about how fucking insufferable Justin Timberlake is. He first glared at Robin Roberts like she was an idiot for asking him about his dipshit Troll song, then he took 15 minutes to spit out that his kid was his inspiration for the dipshit song about the Trolls and then he jumped in front of his wife in an actual spontaneous recreation of this photo.
6:58 - I’VE GOT A GODDAMN SMALLMAN CRAWLING ON ME WHILE I TRY TO DO THIS. Hey. Toddlerfriend. KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF.
6:55 - “Everyone’s rooting for you.” - Krista Smith lying to Casey Affleck.
6:49 - So my phone is in the other room and I can’t take video like a cheapynonsenseperson but there was just a full 30 seconds of Karlie Kloss, who does not know that Destiny’s Child did not sing the song “Waterfalls” taking a selfie with a Go-Pro on a selfie stick. It was my hell.
6:46 - I honestly would have started earlier but I was distracted by how impossibly annoying it must be to be married to Justin Timberlake. LOVE AND LIGHT, JESSICA BIEL.