10:04 - Thank you all for partying with me on this auspicious occasion. I won’t be around tomorrow because that teeny tiny little gentleman toddlebaby in that picture way down-post is having surgery (ear tubes, nothing serious, but I’m still nervous) so WISH HIM GOOD TINY THOUGHTS.
10:01 - MOOOONLIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:53 - Mood:
9:50 - LOL I thought someone stood up for Affleck and it was just Goldie Hawn standing up to adjust her dress and probably go to the bathroom.
9:41 - Brad Pitt is trying to pull favor by becoming hot again and I gotta tell you, it’s a decent strategy.
9:34 - I NEED A FUCKING MOMENT.
ANDREW STOOD FOR EMMA IM CRYING pic.twitter.com/3u52w5WnqD— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) January 9, 2017
9:25 - Why didn’t they cut to Donald Glover when they read his name? This show is weird. BUT YAY DONALD GLOVER.
9:15 - Let’s play Predict the Trump Response! “Meryl Streep is a loser. Even at her hottest she was a 4. She’s only won 3 Oscars. SAD.”
9:13 - Holy shit. That speech. Not only does she know where every person in the room was born and raised, not only did she nail Trump to the fuckin’ wall, THEN SHE INVOKED CARRIE? I’m done. I’m DONE. That speech. So good. HEY. HIDDLESTON. NEVER DO THE THING YOU DID BACK THERE EVER AGAIN. BE MERYL.
9:11 - Meryl is going ALL. THE. FUCK. IN. I love it.
9:03 - Death Becomes Her is SO represented. Blessings to the beautiful queer human who made this montage.
9:01 - You know, Viola is making Meryl seem like someone I kind of don’t want to hang out with. But I could listen to her talk about her for fucking DAYS.
8:50 - I really like Claire Foy’s dress, minus that dipshit purple ribbon belt. But the rest of it? MY DREAMS.
8:49 - Ryan Reynolds is so terribly orange tonight. That’s the orange glow of Oscar desires.
8:47 - Jake Gyllenhaal: ETERNAL GUH. That sound? That’s your pants. That’s a pant sound.
8:44 - Need proof that Tom and Taylor made all the sense in the world? THAT FUCKING SPEECH. There you go.
8:42 - Guys what is happening? Tom what is this story? Tom stop. Tom no.
8:39 - Tom Hiddleston is counting on this moment. This is what Taylor was all about. AND IT WORKED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, TAYLOR.
8:36 - Chris Hemsworth, what’s happening with your hair? What is going on? Everything’s terrible, bangwise.
8:29 - A Debbie/Carre tribute? Oh fuck. My heart and my eyes are not prepared.
8:27 - Wiig and Carell are officially the best part of the whole broadcast and I’m including the Spideypool makeout and the presumed reunion of Emma and Andrew.
8:24 - I do not care at all what someone put on Kristen Wiig. Michelle Williams’s dress plus that Sia video times a doilymonster.
8:14 - Look. I want Andrew and Emma back together. But if we can’t have it, I’ll accept this Ryan Reynolds and Andrew as consolation.
8:11 - I haven’t seen Lion yet BUT THAT TINY BABY CHILD.
8:09 - Cuba missed being famous SO MUCH. Now he is LIVING.
8:05 - Consider this your every-award-show-reminder THAT IF YOU ARE NOT WATCHING HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER YOU ARE A MONSTER AND I HATE YOU. YOU ARE MISSING SO MUCH VIOLA ACTORATING.
8:03 - OMG I was getting the kid in the bathtub and I come in AND IT’S VIOLA! I’m so happy. I love her SO. MUCH.
7:54 - Someone get on Timber-watch. HE WILL NOT HANDLE THIS WELL.
7:51 - Carrie Underwood is dressed like a vagina monster.
7:48 - Hugh Laurie is losing his hair and I don’t know what to do about this. But this speech is reminding us all that he’d be a zillion times better a host than Fallon.
7:47 - Why are other people even HERE? JUST GIVE IT TO STERLING. And why didn’t they show John Travolta? He’s there.
7:46 - Also this which is either code or drunk or joy:
As— Holland Taylor (@HollandTaylor) January 9, 2017
7:43 - Holland Taylor is stuck in NYC but LOOK HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER LADY.
A shimmering, spectacular, singular sensation…!!!— Holland Taylor (@HollandTaylor) January 8, 2017
Holy Christmas! https://t.co/sLMLUFDoeB— Holland Taylor (@HollandTaylor) January 8, 2017
7:39 - I’m not shaming ANYONE. Perhaps I’m not even referring to anyone specific and this just popped into my mind, who knows. But there’s this thing that happens when one has had a great deal of face-tightening work done wherein the temples become overworked and lumpy and it’s, like, THAT IS YOUR JOURNEY AND IT IS FINE AND I RESPECT IT but it seems uncomfortable.
7:38 - Sarah has fruit punch mouth. Her tongue is super red.
7:37 - Sarah Paulson for ALL THE THINGS.
7:35 - Nicole Kidman is…wearing…something.
It’s kind of a thing she’s doing right now. Like a robot Ed Hardy situation.
7:26 - YES, ATLANTA. Darius doesn’t have to Darius up someone’s night.
7:25 - If anyone was going to deliver a perfect angel speech, IT’S TRACEE.
7:23 - AW YAY! I clapped in my own house for Tracee Ellis Ross. I love her so. Also, DONALD GLOVER’S SUIT. Guh.
7:20 - Hugh Grant and Billy Bob Thornton in the same five minutes? Hey Globes, I DON’T CARE HOW HARD YOU BEG, I’m not doing another 25 days of Love Actu—OK FINE I’LL DO IT.
7:16 - It’s really important we all team up for this one important task: Andrew-Emma-watch. I. NEED. THIS.
7:14 - OK, a) what is Goliath and b) why is this blind man confusing Bob Odenkirk?
7:13 - Liev Schreiber didn’t come because what is the point if he and Naomi aren’t going to bang in the limo on the way there?
7:10 - Tom Ford’s husband is a vampire, right? We’re all on board with that, yes?
7:08 - It shouldn’t have been that hard to make a Joffrey-Trump joke but DAMN was that a cramp-inducing stretch.
7:07 - “Trust me, don’t Google “ryan gosling pianist.” THAT IS AN AUDITORY ONLY JOKE, JIMMY.
7:05 - Apparently the prompter is down and there’s very genuinely no way to tell the difference between Fallon with a teleprompter and Fallon without a teleprompter.
6:53 - Ryan Reynolds is here and answering questions very seriously and WANTS THAT OSCAR NOD.
6:51 - Chris Pine and Natalie Morales are now both the drunkest person at the party both trying to pretend they’re sober and have a conversation.
6:49 - FYI, there are multiple Miss Golden Globes tonight because we’re still doing that and they’re all Sylvester Stallone’s daughters. It’s the grossest Globes tradition this side of [insert some kind of gross Globe tradition joke, you’ll come up with one later, you’re a professional, don’t forget about this thing here though, not that you will on account of the professional thing]
6:46 - “Anything I get into…you better be invested in.” Mel Gibson on Hacksaw Ridge and also drinking and spousal abuse and anti-Semitism.
6:43 - OK, so you know that thing where you’re at dinner and everyone else is sober and you’re drunk and trying really hard to not seem drunk and YOU ARE FAILING? That’s Natalie Morales.
6:43 - TRENDS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT: Color. Colors are good. Skirts are great. Boobs are neat. There. That’s what I just learned. COLOR YOUR BOOBS AND PUT SKIRTS ON THEM.
6:36 - E! is doing this weird Glambot show motional hi-def thing AND I HATE IT. IT LOOKS LIKE NIGHTMARES.
6:33 - The E! crew is being more professional than the Today Show people. What is happening. Today team is all WASTED and Ryan Seacrest seems like he’s in mourning.
6:31 - Guys, Natalie Morales is drunk AS SHIT.
6:22 - By the way, I’m having a rough time typing right now. Someone has an issue with me turning off Elena of Avalor to do this.
6:20 - Jenna Bush is filling in for Billy. K.
6:14 - It’s important I set your expectations nice and early: I am about 95% certain I didn’t see a single goddamn movie this year and I’m woefully backed up on my TV watching. So my contributions to this award shows won’t really elevate beyond my usual brand of “LOL LOL DRUNK DRUNK WINE ALL CAPS PRETTY DRESS WORDS WORDS.” Just making sure you’re aware.
6:06 - I don’t usually start things this early but with imagery like this, I MUST.