11:01 - Everyone I love you but mostly I love sleep GOODNIGHT.
10:59 - “Oh. OK.” My exact reaction. I’m sure Spotlight is very good but I was so caught up in my own MAD MAX IS GOING TO TAKE THIS versus SAY NO TO BEARS that I forgot there were other movies involved.
10:58 - PLEASE GOT LET’S WRAP THIS UP NOW. PLAY US OFF, MORGAN FREEMAN.
10:55 - Is Leo dying? Seriously. Is there something I don’t know? Some reason why it’s SO URGENT he win this year?
10:54 - THERE SHIT JESUS THIS NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER
10:47 - What a jovial song choice for this actress and film! But YAY BRIE!
10:43 - At what point does the band play off the actual show?
10:40 - I like when the playoff music ends, as though to say “well this clearly did not work. Time for the canons.”
10:38 - “YES, I WON. SUCK THAT, COSTUME LADY.” - Innaritu
10:35 - So I kind of stopped functioning somewhere around Ali G. Because a) it’s not 2004 and b) that “a room full of white people joke” doesn’t feel like punching up when it’s aimed at a movie about a kidnapped rape victim and her child.
10:27 - Oh. Well. Fuck that.
10:23 - I’m understanding about every fifth word. ITALIA!
10:22 - It boggles my mind that this is the first Oscar for Ennio Morricone.
10:14 - Just sitting here, a human goosebump dreaming of starched white collars and high notes and a stage full of survivors with powerful words on their arms and I’m a mess.
10:10 - Joe Biden introducing Lady Gaga is my actual squad goals. OTP.
10:02 - It’s probably for the best but thanks to a mean case of diaper changing, I missed the In Memoriam.
9:52 - Just in case you missed this perfect gem:
9:47 - You know, when I started these liveblogs, I was in my twenties. I had no children. Things are different now. MY BODY IS REJECTING STAYING UP TILL 9:48.
9:43 - I just finally watched Amy for the first time and it destroyed me. I was a fan early and to see videos and paparazzi photos I remember seeing on gossip sites being mocked, it was absolutely gutwrenching.
9:41 - The music is seriously throwing me off entirely. It’s all music that *should* be played entirely via saxophone. “Take a Look At Me Now (Against All Odds)”? COME ON. That was made for this.
9:33 - So my birthday was yesterday (you forgot, it’s fine, I take cash) and the biggest difference between liveblogging the Oscars at 31 versus not 31 is god I want to go to bed so bad right now.
9:31 - This year is blowing my goddamn mind. Mark Rylance is incredible. Wolf Hall, people.
9:27 - The woman who asked Chris Rock if the movies he was naming were “like, in London?” is just the best.
9:22 - Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, next Liveblogging the ’90s is Cruel Intentions. I didn’t see Bridge of Spies yet, so it seemed pertinent.
9:11 - Inside Out is hands down my favorite movie of the year. I’ve watched it 10 times or more. I simply adore it. It’s perfect.
9:09 - If you’re watching and enjoying the gif of Innaritu refusing to clap for Beavan, just know Tom Hardy punched him during the filming of The Revenant. *cough* Allegedly. Ah-wink.
9:07 - Minions vs. Stacey Dash: Which one was a complete and total fever dream that I imagined?
9:02 - They seem very excited to bring us some Minions. What is..what is happening?
8:59 - YES, FINALLY, SOME REAL STARS.
8:58 - I’m happy second favorite movie of the year won an award. When first favorite movie of the year wins Best Picture, I’ll be three for three and very proud of myself.
8:56 - Confession: I get really excited when a technical award goes to a woman. Even if she’s one of four people, the rest men.
8:54 - Why doesn’t Andy Serkis have so many Oscars? Is it because if they created a special category he’d be its own winner?
8:52 - DAMN. Every win makes me believe harder BUT I CAN’T TRUST IT I JUST CANNOT.
8:49 - First, picture Mad Max winning Best Picture and how happy we’ll all be. Then picture Leonardo DiCaprio losing tonight after all this. Just picture his face in your brain. Just don’t do it with food in your mouth.
8:42 - OK the Stacey Dash thing was a mess but that Angela Bassett thing just now was amazing.
8:41 - It really didn’t occur to me Mad Max would do so well and I AM SO HAPPY. Here’s me and my son watching it when he was 9 weeks old:
8:35 - “And the should-have-been-nominee, Michael B. Jordan.” YEPPPPPPP.
8:30 - I am VERY happy my third favorite movie of the year is doing so well tonight. (If you’re not following along/I’m not being super clear because wine reasons, 1) Inside Out, 2) Ex Machina, 3) Mad Max: Fury Road)
8:29 - Can I be real a second? Let my guard down and tell the people how I feel a second? I don’t think I’ll be seeing The Revenant. It just seems like a whole lot of work.
8:26 - I desperately miss when Jared Leto was just Jordan Catalano.
8:25 - Look at Margot Robbie holding Leto’s arm like he *didn’t* mail her a dead animal. #acting
8:24 - That is now two Mad Max Oscars AND WHAT IF IT UPSETS THE LEO OF IT ALL AND WINS BEST PICTURE, YOU GUYS?
8:22 - “But I just want to say one quite serious thing and I’ve been thinking about this a lot…” *music starts playing because these music people have serious panic issues*
8:20 - I just audibly out loud said “AWW!” at this speech because a) British adorability and b) wine reasons.
8:18 - I do just want to take this opportunity to remind you that Alicia Vikander is Swedish and only has an British accent because of watching British movies and we’re just OK with that but when I say “result” or “well posh” I’m a goddamn poser.
8:14 - Was the thinking “we’re going to have a very pro-black monologue so let’s only play the whitest music to ever happen in the history of music?”
8:12 - Oh wow. I was reading nominees to my husband earlier. He has seen NO MOVIES and he said “I have to think it’s going to be that Decanter girl from Ex Machina.” He was right. Go husband, I guess.
8:07 - Remember that time Henry Cavill tried to use Kaley Cuoco for fame? That was weird. That was a weird time.
8:01 - Wait…what just happened? Does Stacey Dash know what just happened? I don’t know what happened. What just happened?
7:52 - Drew Goddard did not win, but he did write my favorite Buffy episode, “Conversations with Dead People,” so that’s basically better than an Oscar.
7:46 - So here’s the thing. I haven’t seen, like, most movies this year. So, you know. sorry. About all the thing. But I am told Spotlight is quite good. That counts, yes?
7:40 - SORORITY. RACIST.
7:39 - Me right now:
7:38 - THIS IS AMAZING.
7:36 - It should be noted that participating in the writing of this awards is Scott Aukerman and the Comedy Bang Bang team. They’re pretty much my One Direction.
7:35 - YEP.
7:34 - OUT THE GATE. I love you, Chris Rock.
7:33 - And my actual favorite movie of the year will only win Best Animated Picture. And my other favorite wasn’t nominated (Ex Machina).
7:31 - I’m gonna get some unpopular opinions out early: if The Martian came out any other year, it would have just been a standard fun summer movie. Maybe a Globes nom. It would not be among the top two contenders for Best Picture.
7:30 - Oh my. This Oscars opening is goddamn magic. Literally. I think that was the name of the screensaver it looks like.
7:27 - I switched over from E! where Kris Jenner was talking about her neck decor over to ABC where Mark Ruffalo talking about child sexual abuse and it was a real whiplash. JK Simmons was even there.
7:11 - Half of me is deeply outraged at the over-obvious use of Kate Winslet photo-ops in Leo’s continued campaign efforts. The other half is doing this:
7:05 - Actually dying.
7:03 - Why is Ryan Seacrest walking the red carpet? GET TO WORK, CRESTY. THE HELP DOESN’T GET TO POSE.
6:58 - I’m only one tiny bottle of prosecco in and that’s only going to get worse so I should warn you Lady Gaga is involved in tonight’s festivities and you regular kinds know how I get about that, so, just a warning. It usually looks like this:
6:56 - Fun parenting fact: My daughter is watching Caillou on her iPad right next to me. There will come a great reckoning and no one will survive my rage explosion.
6:48 - So if you’re not following me on Twitter (YOU MONSTERS. REMEDY THAT.) you missed this but I got bored the other day and made some goddamn art.
Feel free to endorse me for my enviable Photoshop skills on LinkedIn.
6:39 - Heidi Klum dresses the way I sketched my own imagined Oscar dresses in my fifth grade journal only slightly less Lisa Franky.
6:36 - I have to start this party early because E! just E!ed so hard. So they just did five minutes on Tilda Swinton and how great she looks in this stunning picture from the back.
AND IT WAS NOT TILDA SWINTON. IT WAS COSTUME DESIGNER AND NOMINEE SANDY POWELL. I AM LIVING. I AM DYING. I AM ETERNAL IN THIS MOMENT.