10:01 - And Boyhood takes it. This was a really good year for movies actually. I’d probably have been fine with almost anything. Thanks for playing at home and for being a friend, travel down the road and back again, your hearts are true, you’re pals and confidantes, except you specifically, yes you there. THANKS!
9:56 - OK but Best Picture is going to be Selma, right?
9:54 - Aww, Eddie Redmayne. There’s just something about him I want to snorgle.
9:52 - I have not yet seen this film, but Julianne Moore is always amazing and she’s wearing a disco ball with feathers on it which is kind of my jam.
9:51 - McConaughey is WAY over-southerning.
9:44 - OH HOLY SHIT, Grand Budapest Hotel? That was unexpected. But happily so. I LOVED LOVED LOVED this movie.
9:43 - Oh. My. God. Channing Tay-Tay, no one has ever been oranger and that is saying something on this night.
9:37 - OPRAH IS HERE. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE THANKFUL.
9:33 - He won’t win, but Ralph Fiennes deserves way more love for Grand Budapest Hotel. We’ve seen him be serious actor so many times—that was the first time I ever saw him like that and it was amazing. That said, I approve this Keatonaissance.
9:26 - I know it’s not art BUT GIVE VIOLA THIS AWARD. OK, they did not give Viola this award. They gave another one to The Affair because no one but them like The Affair.
9:25 - AW CHRIS AND ANNA.
9:22 - I’m always so happy to see Owen Wilson. I hope he’s doing well.
9:21 - Was that just Jeff Murdock from Coupling in that bible-type miniseries thing?
9:17 - Everytime I see that 50 Shades trailer my eyes roll out of my head.
9:15 - God dammit, I went the whole night not thinking about Robin Williams and now tears.
9:13 - Guys, remember when Clooney was dating Stacy Keibler? That was a weird time.
9:10 - I will accept South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, that will suffice. Good montage-ing.
9:09 - If we’re doing a proper retrospective, I want some Facts of Damn Life in here. I would also accept Sisters or that one episode of Golden Girls.
9:08 - The tea length dress thing…it isn’t. It shouldn’t. Let’s not.
9:00 - I HATE CENSORSHIP. Anyone pick up what he said?
8:59 - Is anyone keeping count of the LGBT characters being honored tonight? I’m loving this. I’m also loving that Spacey and Kate Mara were sitting there eating all their chocolates.
8:55 - Look, I’m just happy Maura Tierney is gainfully employed. The show deserves an award for that alone.
8:54 - Even the camera operator is shocked at The Affair’s win.
8:53 - GASP. Tina’s tux. I love it.
8:51 - Unrelatedly, this McDonald’s commercial is giving me the hormone tears reaction.
8:48 - I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, MAGGIE G.
8:46 - I feel like we keep trotting out Kate Beckinsale because she’s so pretty but, like, what does she do these days? See also Kate Hudson.
8:36 - I’m so happy Tambor won. This is a good night of wins.
8:34 - OH MY GOD JANE FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN. TWO THIRDS OF 9 to 5. If only Dolly was there, too. BUT IT IS STILL APPROPRIATE TO USE THIS GIF ALWAYS.
8:33 - God, this song. Every time this song. I love this song.
8:33 - Guys, where has Jack Black been? I MISSED YOU JACK DAMN BLACK.
8:26 - Is Bill Hader’s forehead getting longer? Like not like he’s using his hair but literally like his forehead is ascending?
8:19 - “Thank you for giving me a hug; I hope your DNA transferred to me.” - Patricia Arquette to Meryl / all of us if we met Meryl
8:16 - I’ve been trying to figure out what Kate Hudson’s eyebrows are serving and they’re serving the sister from the MST3K episode Jack Frost.
8:14 - It’s the dress. Her right boob is really going through something right now.
8:13 - Is the dress doing some binding, or is Salma missing some very reliable parts of her?
8:12 - Update on my elegant award-night party: the cat snapped at the child and she is FUCKING DESPONDENT. Oh dear god. My heart. It is broken. She kicked me out of her room she’s so sad. I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE FUCKING CAT.
8:06 - I didn’t see Big Eyes. Was she good in it, or is this one of those things where the voters just assumed it would be good, skipped their screener and called it a day?
8:04 - OH MY GOD WHY DID THE CAMERA NOT JUST PAN TO KATIE HOLMES?
8:02 - Does anyone else notice that Clive Owen is aging into the teacher from Willy Wonka?
8:00 - Is it pronounced “bomber” like Katie just said or “bo-mer” like “boner?” I’ve always said it that second way because he is a human boner and I can’t type because I’m lost in his eyes. Bill Murray is unimpressed. But I don’t think it’s personal. He’s just always unimpressed.
7:59 - a) What is Katie Holmes doing here? b) What is her hair about? Other than that, I’m very happy at her lifelikeness. It’s been a while.
7:53 - Fuck 2014, but Common has delivered some beautiful messages in its wake.
7:50 - OH MY GOD PRINCE IS THERE. OH MY GOD HE HAS A CANE. OH MY GOD HE IS WEARING THE SKIN OF THE FANCIEST SNAKE. OH MY GOD.
7:48 - Remember in Death Becomes Her when Goldie and Meryl were covered in layers and layers of paint to make them look lifelike? That’s what I think is happening with Vince Vaughn’s face right now.
7:47 - I like Melissa McCarthy’s ensemb. I’m bad at this and don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time, but I like it.
7:44 - I forgot until just now that Mad Men wasn’t nominated at all this year. That’s crazy. But the Emmys will probably nominate them the next two years even though they’re out of contention for one of them, so it’ll work out.
7:40 - Very excited for Transparent. But it really did blow my mind that they only JUST hired their first actual trans writer.
7:38 - The Golden Globes always gets so excited about freshman shows, which is great. Sometimes it’s not actually. But I’m super happy for Gina Rodriguez.
7:33 - Shit yes, Margaret Cho and Meryl Streep.
7:28 - Mack Elder on Twitter just reminded me of something that has blown my mind.
Naomi Watts. You were in Tank Girl. Do you remember that? #goldenglobes— Mack! (@jimmyrabbitte) January 12, 2015
7:26 - I’m kind of living for Naomi Watt’s snake necklace. Not living for the sounds of people’s silverware and glasses but I bet that’s how they fixed the audio.
7:25 - Renner just told Jennifer Lopez “you’ve got the Globes, too” and it actually probably furthered the gay rumors more than did away with them.
7:24 - Speaking of human perfection Allison Tolman, did you see her helpful tip?
My Golden Globes prep includes a revolutionary diet called they make dresses in different sizes. #HitTheGymButHaveACookieToo— Allison Tolman (@Allison_Tolman) January 10, 2015
7:23 - Not that he won anything just now, Fargo did, which is ACES, I was just thinking about him. Allison Tolman looks STUNNING, by the way.
7:22 - You know what, really quietly, Mark Ruffalo has had an amazing few years. He’s actually had one of the most consistent careers I’ve seen. You go, Ruffalo. We like it Ruffalo.
7:16 - I was going to be all meh about a Downton win but this speech is nice.
7:15 - “I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE”
And this is all the people not knowing how to react except for fucking Clooney (and Lena Dunham in the video).
7:12 - Just Keep Simmons takes it for Whiplash.
7:11 - I cannot overstate how badass that Cosby bit was. It was perfect. And the audience reaction? Dear god. As soon as Cumberston are done talking I’ll go back and Vine it.
7:09 - I COULD WATCH THEM DO THIS “I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE” THING FOR HOURS.
7:07 - Oh Tina, me too Firth, for a polite amount of time.
7:06 - OH MY GOD THE BIT ABOUT AMAL AND CLOONEY. That’s amazing.
7:03 - By the way, Steve Carell in glasses CAN GET IT.
7:01 - Is the audio weird for anyone else? A little soft?
7:01 - Right off the bat, Amy and Tina look PERFECT.
7:00 - I’m so glad the Globes keep the ’70sest music every year.
6:55 - David Oyelowo’s dress is made of THE GODDAMN NIGHT SKY and I love it.
6:51 - The real star of the night is the guy behind everyone being interviewed by Natalie, the guy with the tiny Moet.
6:49 - FYI of the elegant happenings at my home: my husband and I both got the kid milk and she is very literally double-fisting right now. GOOD FOR YOU, KID. ROCK IT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CANNOT.
6:44 - Jake and Maggie are talking about listening to their “old family school” music they listened to as kids and it’s Paul Simon’s “Graceland.” They’re so cool. My brother and I discovered that the Grease soundtrack matched up perfectly with Crash Bandicoot so we were pretty cool too.
6:41 - Giuliana just tried to get George and Amal to do shots with her and they were not having it. ZERO FUCKS FROM THE CLOONEYS. She truly is E!’s Kathie Lee.
6:40 - E! has better vanity lighting than NBC. That makes sense.
6:31 - Kate Hudson’s dress brought to you by ice dancing and her eyebrows brought to you by Joan Crawford.
6:28 - Cumberbatch’s bronzer is the same color as the Golden Globes sign behind him.
6:25 - This Jupiter Ascending situation with Charming Potato in eyeliner. What is that? Is that a thing? What is that?
6:23 - Oh my god everyone at E! is wearing George-Clooney-god-married shirts and Ryan Seacrest made them show Clooney and he barely reacted and I’m so embarrassed for them.
6:22 - Amal Alamuddin is a successful, inspirational woman who should not be minimized to her appearance. BUT GOOD GOD SHE IS STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL. And so much more but also THAT TOO.
6:20 - Did you guys just see Channing Tatum grooming Jenna Dewan Tatum like monkeys?
6:17 - Seriously, I just saw all of Jennifer Lopez’s chest plate and I can’t stop thinking about Keira Knightley’s dress. If she tore away the top and bottom it would be a lovely brunch dress.
6:14 - HONEY WHAT IS THIS?
6:10 - Emma Stone’s dress is bedazzled and Allison Williams’s dress is bedazzled and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagina is bedazzled and I think everything should be bedazzled.
6:05 - Jake and Maggie are there together! Being perfect! ONE OF THEM SHOULD CALL THE OTHER ONE A FUCKASS.
6:03 - Amal Alamuddin is wearing white opera gloves which is the fanciest thing I’ve ever imagined.
6:02 - Sorry, I’m two minutes late. I had to wait for football. #Football