10:00 - Thanks for taking this journey with me. I think we all learned something tonight. Like, did you hear about that hot new show with the games and the thrones? I think it’s gonna be big.
9:58 - This has literally never happened before. Do you guys, like, wanna just chill for two minutes? Talk about life? How are YOU?
9:57 - OK, Excited Anna Chlumsky may have just been one-upped by Excited GOT-Fan Fred Savage.
9:56 - This thing ending on time is entirely thanks to Frances McDormand. Everyone send her a fruit basket.
9:55 - Guys, I’m crying. I’m actually crying right now.
9:54 - TRACY. BOW THE FUCK RIGHT DOWN.
9:52 - Excited Anna Chlumsky is my new religious affiliation. Nope, wait, hold on, JLD taking a selfie with Mel Brooks is my new religious affiliation.
9:45 - This speech is incredible. She’s perfect. She is the greatest. LOVE HER. WATCH THIS GODDAMN SHOW WITH ME.
9:44 - VIOLA DAVIS. PEOPLE. YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS SHOW WITH ME. YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T GET IT.
9:42 - Jon Hamm thanked Cora and Jen, which is Jennifer Westfeldt and their dog, Cora. CRYING.
9:41 - Like, look, deserved and it was the show’s last year and all, but dude had a rough goddamn year. I would have been so sad if he didn’t get it.
9:40 - Jon Hamm has WON. HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME? SOMEONE PICK SARAH CARLSON UP OFF THE FLOOR PLEASE.
9:35 - I’d like this very short show where Kerry Washington, Mary J. Blige and Taraji P. Henson have a dance party to win all the Emmys next year.
9:33 - Every year I forget someone died and get so sad. This year, it was Jan Hooks.
9:31 - I feel like we need more In Memoriam soundtrack choices. There’s, like, two. And we just switch them out every year.
9:30 - Oh damn.
9:29 - Peter Dinklage and his manbun should run against Allison Janney and her blotting thing for president, and I don’t care who wins, for we are the winners all of us.
9:29 - YASS PETER DINKLAGE. Gotta be honest, this is the best part of this GOT sweepery.
9:25 - It’s weird that GOT is winning so much in a year when it wasn’t the best on TV and for an episode that wasn’t even its best of the season.
9:23 - Oh, Dusty Smokevag is what my husband calls Melisandre. Not that it needed explaining.
9:22 - Even just as Emmy walk-up music I’m singing along with the GOT theme song. “Thrones thrones, game of thrones thrones, game of thrones thrones, game of thrones thrones, game of—DUSSSTYYYY SMOKYVAG VAG, Smokevag, Dusty Smokevag, Dusty Smokevag, Dusty Smokevag…”
9:20 - UZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:19 - Emma Roberts’s makeup artist did the ever-popular gaunt-chic contouring.
9:17 - So I just saw someone in the audience I think was Bo Derek so I looked up to see if Bo Derek is at the Emmys and I don’t know, but what I did find out is that she is still with John Corbett and AWWW.
9:11 - Here’s how it works: a show gets Emmys every year, even if another show deserves it more. When that show ends, another show gets the Emmys that it deserved like three years prior, whether it deserves it or not for that year. IT IS THE LAW.
9:10 - Huh. David Benioff is pretty dreamy. Get it, Amanda Peet.
9:08 - When I hear “F. Murray Abraham” I think of that horrendous “F. Scott Fitzgerald/eff Scott Fitzgerald” joke that was in the Ted 2 trailer and I get really mad. Like, problematically mad. I have a surplus of feelings.
9:07 - I don’t care that Gotham is hot garbage, BEN MCKENZIE IS ETERNAL BAE.
9:05 - I wonder if Trevor Noah is bummed that people are talking about The Daily Show winning all these awards like the show ended.
9:03 - There’s LL Cool J. His hat is not unlike a shark fin.
8:57 - “Guys, guys, guys, calm down. Women don’t even WANT to write for television shows.” - at least two guys responding to every comment thread tomorrow
8:55 - AMY SCHUUUUUMMMMMEEEERRRRRRR! I LOVE HER AND SHE IS LIGHT AND LIFE.
8:51 - Outside of Amy Schumer’s team, I’m pretty sure I heard maybe four female names. And I might be being incredibly generous.
8:49 - ANDY GETS IT. (Jon Snow’s Alive Edition)
8:48 - ANDY GETS IT.
8:47 - If you haven’t watched Boardwalk Empire yet though, don’t worry, they totally take Nucky to a hospital and save him and he’s totes kewl for the rest of his many days. There I fixed it.
8:45 - My hot take on spoilers tends to be “well, you should have watched that shit if you didn’t want to be spoiled” because it’s my own goddamn fault I haven’t watched Justified yet but damn that hurt.
8:40 - They should have thrown in fake deaths to fuck with people. Leslie Knope died at the end. Don Draper died at the end. STEVEN COLBERT DIED AT THE END AT THE HANDS OF A BEAR.
8:39 - Um. Spoilers for the end of a whole bunch of shows.
8:37 - Zoe Kazan’s fancy candy cane dress is my favorite of the night.
8:36 - This is Richard Jenkins’s first nomination?! NONSENSE. Every single person involved in Six Feet Under deserves to be nominated at all times every time (except for latter Dexter seasons, but that’s the exception that proves the rule).
8:35 - This is Lady Gaga’s first Emmy appearance. BUT NEXT YEAR SHE WILL BE NOMINATED AND YOU PEOPLE WILL SEE, YOU WILL SEE HER FLORY. WITNESS!
8:34 - If Tatiana never wins for Orphan Black, I would like a write-in campaign for her can-of-beans eating.
8:27 - Frances McDormand’s whole ensemble looks comfy as shit and she’s barely wearing makeup and she gave a 10-second speech. I love her so much.
8:25 - This Andy version of “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” featuring Jerry/Gary getting impaled with an Emmy is now my brain’s screensaver.
8:24 - A Bill Murray speech was so desperately needed and WE HAVE BEEN ROBBED.
8:23 - My god, apparently this FOR REAL works!
8:18 - This play-off music is chill as fuck and I want to take a nap to it.
8:16 - Lisa Cholodenko doesn’t give a fuck and I love it.
8:14 - Giving tweet of the night to my internetfriend Cole Stratton:
I wish Terrance Howard got replaced by Don Cheadle for the second award. #Emmys— Cole Stratton (@colestratton) September 21, 2015
8:11 - REGINA KING! What an impossibly underrated, underutilized actress. So happy for her.
8:09 - Whether she takes the Emmy or not, Kathy Bates’s accent work FOR THE DAMN WIN.
8:08 - Jane Anderson is the most enjoyable elf.
8:06 - I’m not super familiar with Jane Anderson but she is a delightful spritely creature.
8:05 - OF COURSE TERRENCE HOWARD JUST CORRECTED TARAJI AT THE EMMYS. Asshole.
8:05 - Look, the audience wasn’t on board with that James Corden thing just now but I thought it was adorable.
8:02 - Guys, Twitter is real unsure about this green ribbon thing. It’s either for climate change or mental health.
7:57 - Carson Daly is so goddamn happy to be on the Emmy stage, guys. So is the person in the white shorts with wings number holding his hand. I believe she’s wearing the sartorial equivalent of a maxi pad.
7:54 - I’m happy for Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I’m sad for Amy. I’m happy for more Excited Anna Chlumsky. But I’m still sad for Amy. I would have been so happy to see her go onstage dressed as the Unabomber.
7:53 - This entire category is perfect queens who I adore and Edie Falco who is real neat and all but I had no idea Nurse Jackie was even still on as of this eligibility period. I thought it ended…nevermind, I never even knew it was on until Emmy nominations came out each year.
7:49 - What is this dramatic chef motorcycle leather jacket alcoholic movie with Bradley Cooper? That’s just so many things.
7:45 - The green ribbon everyone is wearing seems to be for Demand Climate Change.
7:42 - Second win of the night for Transparent to Jeffrey Tambor, and he shouted out Jenny Boylan who, if you don’t watch I Am Cait, is the literal reason to watch I Am Cait. SHE IS LIFE.
7:41 - I get really annoyed when presenters make it all about themselves. Like, STOP KIMMEL. STOP FOREVER, RICKY GERVAIS. DON’T THINK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE TIME, HEIGL. Jennifer Lawrence, you’re cool, it’s fine.
7:40 - ANDY JUST BUTT MOTORBOATED THE EMMY STATUE.
7:39 - Jill Solloway is a vision in spots. Yay Jill, yay Transparent, yay spots.
7:37 - Bradley Whitford has aged into Truman Capote.
7:36 - “Ironic Grandpa” would have been a better name for that new Stamos show. Like, that’s not irony, but whatever, Stamos doesn’t need to know things.
7:28 - I am thrilled for Tony Hale, but can we get a Team Spirit Emmy for Chlumsky? She is just human joy tonight.
7:26 - This is that part once a year where I admit I don’t like Ricky Gervais. Like, I don’t like him you guys. He does not amuse me. He just makes me angry.
7:25 - AW, ANNA CHLUMSKY IS CRYING SHE IS SO HAPPY / ALSO THOMAS JAY CAN’T FIND HIS GLASSES.
7:24 - Yay, Veep, awesome, IMPORTANT THING: I feel like I struck fear into your hearts (well, like three of your hearts) with this Amy/Nick thing. It’s just a blind item. HOPEFULLY IT IS A VICIOUS LIE.
7:22 - So tonight’s nominees included Gaby Hoffmann and Anna Chlumsky AND right now Anthony Anderson is presenting and until Blackish the only thing that mattered to me in his oeuvre was Hang Time on TNBC. So this is a banner night for #90sKidz.
7:21 - I should tell you early that no matter who loses, the biggest snub already happened when my complete and total jam Girl Meets World lost at the Creative Arts Emmys. It lost to Alan Alda, so, like, sure, but YOU WON THE EMMY OF MY HEART, GIRL MEETS WORLD.
7:16 - Janney and her blotting thing for president 2016.
7:15 - I am all for Allison Janney winning all the things at all times, but I’m more excited about Gaby Hoffmann and Anna Chlumsky being nominated together. It’s like I picked the nominees myself in 1995.
7:13 - Hey, I need someone to tell me if Amy and Nick Kroll are still together or not. Blind items say they broke up, which means they likely broke up but definitely not for the reasons that blind item said they did, but I liked them together so hope they didn’t. “I hope Amy and Nick are still together” is the strongest opinion I’ll have all night.
7:13 - Ed Asner is still alive.
7:12 - Ed Asner’s ghost smiles so brightly on this event.
7:10 - There are so much Comedy Bang Bangy moments happening and it’s making me joyful.
7:08 - This is the most wonderful monologue. Remember when we were all “NPH should host everything” and then the Oscars happened? Andy won’t do that to us. He won’t hurt us/Octavia Spencer like that.
7:07 - “Racism is over! Don’t fact check that.” Props to Samberg and co. for that joke and the trolling cameraman who immediately panned to the immensely white audience.
7:04 - “And I’m white!” GOD DAMMIT WHY DID IT HAVE TO END?
7:03 - I don’t even want anyone to win awards. I just want this to last for two full hours.
7:02 - OH MY GOD I WAS STARTING TO WRITE HOW ON BOARD I AM WITH THIS OPENING SONG AND THEN LES MIS HAPPENED AND I AM SO HAPPY.
7:00 - I have strong and true hopes tonight because I am definitively pro-Samberg and Lonely Island, AND he had the Comedy Bang Bang writers writing the show with him. This could be decent. This could be the Highlander of award shows.
6:58 - Who is Cletus? They keep talking about Cletus. Is he sports? Is he the robot on the banner behind them? Why is there a robot on the banner behind them? What is happening? Am I on drugs? Is this real life? WHAT IS GOING ON?
6:57 - We are live but something weird is happening where the pre-show is sports and Terry Bradshaw is involved so I might be dreaming and this might be Inception and oh, fuck, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is on my wall again.