11:06 - Well I for one am super stoked because the movie I liked best won and also I get to go to fucking bed now. Jesus.
11:04 - “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” The fuck even?
11:03 - Let’s have an amazing speech about women’s rights then have a beater of women give out the biggest award of the night. HOLLYWOOD, EVERYONE!
11:01 - Neily. Honey. I need you to do like Idina and let this go.
10:59 - Wait, is this only Moore’s first Oscar? I AM SHOCKED. She should have THEM ALL.
10:52 - But I mean can you even be mad? HE’S ADORABLE. HE’S SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW. Meanwhile Keaton is probably all:
10:51 - I feel like no one is more surprised than Eddie Redmayne right now though.
10:51 - Oh.
10:48 - Oh fuck we still have the actor and actress to get to don’t we?
10:48 - With all the wonderful humanity and pleas for equality, I hope that Brutally Honest Oscar Voter lady is somewhere SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
10:44 - I think this might be the first speech to include the phrase “smells like his balls.” But hopefully not the last.
10:42 - As one of 12 internet writers who liked Birdman (the other 11 all work for this very website apparently) I’m pleased as punch.
10:36 - These speeches tonight are made of feelings and wonderfulness, the lot of them. They have been so amazing. From call your mom to female equality to the struggle of black America to suicide to ALL OF IT.
10:36 - Band, so help me, if you start playing right now.
10:35 - He just thanked Oprah, as I would regardless of her giving me the award or being there or anything, I just need to thank Oprah.
10:35 - The Imitation Game people are so shocked and excited that people remembered they were there.
10:29 - Oh just the most depressing tweet ever.
Here's your friendly reminder that The Sound of Music is still one of only 4 Best Picture winners with a female protagonist. #Oscars2015— Zack Ford (@ZackFord) February 23, 2015
10:21 - Just a reminder that I’ve touched Julie Andrews. I am forever blessed and cannot die.
10:20 - That is a performance you give when you know Julie Andrews is right off stage watching you.
10:19 - I don’t even know what you people are talking about in the comments right now, I’m drowning in Gaga perfection. I love her SO. MUCH. OPPOSITE OF FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
10:16 - Like, don’t get me wrong, I LIVE FOR GAGA AND WOULD WATCH HER SING EVERY SONG FROM EVERY MUSICAL EVER. But it’s just quite late.
10:15 - Did we just watch a bunch of Sound of Music songs and now we’re going to watch Gaga sing Sound of Music songs? Oh, yes, that’s exactly what we’re doing.
10:07 - David Oyelowo is still crying and so is Jessica Chastain and so am I and so are we all.
10:06 - If this award had gone to anyone else, I tell ya. Yay Common and John Legend.
10:05 - Travolta’s touching Idina’s face and his hair and his everything are making me very uncomfortable.
9:58 - “Struggles that continue today.” Like being forced to participate in this weird lockbox Oscar help bit.
9:52 - Between Citizenfour and Patricia Arquette, Fox News is having a nonstop whatever the anger version of orgasm is.
9:48 - “And I would make every single one of you wipe down with boiling baby wipes.” - Terrence Howard to every woman in this theater, because I can never unremember that he’s basically Patrick Bateman in the “I want you to wash your vagina from behind” scene.
9:46 - No one has ever presented more dramatically than Terrence Howard is right at this second.
9:41 - Did both Philip Seymour Hoffman and Harold Ramis make it in last year? I would assume so. But I know Joan didn’t. AND SHE DID TOO MAKE MOVIES.
9:36 - My husband didn’t know Richard Attenborough died and now he is DONE and has left the room.
9:31 - Shit, I’m about to cry about Robin Williams again aren’t I?
9:23 - NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, ADAM LEVINE’S WIFE.
9:22 - I’m enjoying all the Grand Budapest love, but it’s reminding me that Ralph Fiennes was one of the biggest snubs of the year for me. He was FANTASTIC.
9:14 - I’m still high on Arquette.
9:13 - Now the orchestra is just drunk with power and playing off the host.
9:12 - TJ MILLER IS IN THE BUILDING PEOPLE! DENVERRR!
9:06 - Kevin and Anna, the most precious pocket-sized presenters.
8:56 - HOLD UP I AM TRANSCRIBING THAT PERFECTION.
“To every woman who gave birth to every taxpayer and citizen of this nation, we have fought for everybody else’s equal rights. It’s our time to have wage equality once and for all. Equal rights for women in the United States of America.” DROP THE FUCKING MIC.
8:55 - Aw that was the closest David Arquette will ever get to the Oscars.
8:54 - DAMN YEAH PATTY ARQUETTE. I love her. She’s so cool, she’s so cool, she’s so cool.
8:53 - EMMA IS HOLDING HER LEGO OSCAR. SHe is everything.
8:51 - Leto came dressed as Carrie’s date Tommy from Carrie.
8:46 - You guys always post Cap Ass when Chris Evans comes up but there’s only one Chris Evans moment for me.
8:44 - You know what I just thought about? Those twatty “brutally honest Oscar voters” might be in the crowd. YOU DON’T DESERVE UNDERPANTS NPH AND HIS POINTY NIPPLES.
8:42 - They refused to write him decent jokes so the Oscar writers were like “put Neil in his underpants and throw in Miles Teller” and I’M BACK WITH THEM.
8:37 - This is a lovely sad song, but Tim, like, we get it. You don’t need the hat. We know who you are, we know who Glen Campbell is, the hat is just unnecessary.
8:34 - David Oyelowo is not going to pretend that was a funny joke. I LOVE HIM AND HIS SUIT.
8:31 - OH HEY VIOLA! Viola is a VIP, you know.
8:30 - “We should talk about suicide out loud.” And the band STOPPED because the band is like “shiiiiiitt we can’t play off the lady talking about her son’s suicide.”
8:29 - Ooh, that lady is wearing mink balls. She is festooned with balls of mink.
8:26 - Did the cameras just get really confused? Or did the camera guy get told a different winner than the card listed?
8:19 - This is the greatest Oscar performance ever. Though I can’t stop imagining what it would be like if this was that year they had Beyonce sing everything.
8:17 - I’m so happy right now. EVERYTHING REALLY IS AWESOME.
8:16 - OK, I need to get very serious. Who else throughout this award season has been feeling some CAN GET IT vibes for Steve Carell?
8:13 - Shirley Maclaine is forever wonderful and perfect and Michael Keaton is chewing gum like he gives a fuck.
8:12 - Oh my god he outlasted the music. He played off the band and then they couldn’t start back up because he was thanking his dead wife and dead parents. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
8:08 - “Movies aren’t about countries.” Um tell that to my as-yet-unproduced script for “Literally Just about Canada.”
8:06 - Speaking of Charming Potato, let’s go back to the Globes when he groomed his wife like a monkey.
8:03 - Channy Channy Tay Tay might be the closest thing our generation will get to a Patrick Swayze. He can dance fancy, he can be all manly and Swayze wasn’t even part potato.
8:02 - Bill Murray introduced and made the makeup/hair people happen for Wes Anderson—LITERALLY EVERYTHING HE DOES IS PERFECT.
8:00 - They’re sure having NPH make a lot of dumb jokes only he could get away with because he’s the most adorable person on earth. But literally just barely adorable enough.
7:59 - I love this costume designer’s formal coat. She’s fancy as shit.
7:52 - There’s something about a fancy big band version of Huey Lewis that makes me giggle merrily.
7:49 - Adam Levine is at the Oscars performing and now the entire show has a yeast infection. Because douches aren’t good for your vagina, guys, that’s what I’m saying about this.
7:46 - OK, this seems as good a time as any to rank the Oscar movies like anyone gives a dick about my opinions. 1 - Birdman, 2 - Selma, 3 - Grand Budapest Hotel, 4 - Boyhood, 5 - Whiplash, the rest - those other ones
7:45 - If this lock box thing isn’t heading into the greatest NPH magic trick ever, I’ll be very disappointed.
7:43 - JK Simmons entire speech is CALL YOUR MOTHER, DAMMIT. Fuck thanking producers and shit. TEXT YOUR DAD. I am into it.
7:42 - The first M&M to win an Oscar! Sorry, I have a small person literally walking all over me making it hard to type. Last year she was small and didn’t give a shit. This year she’s, like, wanting to be around me or something. Kids, man.
7:38 - Lupita is wearing a dress made of pearls, like a really fancy formal version of something Isabella Rossellini wore in Death Becomes Her so obviously I’m on board.
7:36 - After years of being close, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally have the same haircut.
7:33 - There’s our collective universal girlfriend Anna Kendrick! And Jack Black. Like loving Birdman, I’m pretty sure I’m alone in how much I’ve missed him, but I don’t even care. I don’t even care about your thoughts on this. I SAID GOOD DAY.
7:31 - NPH MAKING AN #OscarsSoWhite JOKE RIGHT OUT THE GATE
7:30 - NPH just rose out of the floor like Destiny’s Child. AS IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER OPTION.
7:26 - Guys. GUYS. Do you know who’s there tonight? Our friends Angeleno Ewok and DarthCorleone! WAVE AT THE SCREEN EVERYONE. THEY’LL DEFINITELY SEE YOU.
7:24 - I’m on ABC now watching famous people interact with famous people. Patricia Arquette looks lovely.
7:16 - Wow, Scarlet Johansson is literally wearing a dress made of Photoshop. I’m hypnotized by it.
7:15 - OK, Emma Stone apparently brought her mom, not Andrew, that’s OK, I get it, I’m OK. I’ll be OK.
7:13 - E! has apparently stopped interviewing people, perhaps after FrittataGate, and now it’s just people at a desk talking about dresses and skin as much as they want. Giuliana hasn’t been allowed to talk to people because last time she did she asked the Clooneys to do shots with her and it was real awkward.
7:11 - Guys, why is Focus in IMAX?
7:06 - “[Kidman’s belt] is a little red-orange,” Guiliana says wearing a red-orange dress. Yes they’re still talking about this fucking belt.
7:04 - E! is very upset about Nicole Kidman’s belt right now. They’re having issues, like strong, serious issues. They can’t even talk about it. I think it looks like a belt.
7:02 -FYI, this is really important but I’m going to need any Andrew Garfield/Emma Stone things you can give me tonight. GIFs, Vines, pics, IT IS IMPORTANT.
7:02 - “There’s no award for best body tonight. There’s an award for best dressed.” - Giuliana Rancic. I mean though like not really Giules. That’s not a real thing.
7:00 - Now, warning: I may stop for food breaks more than usual this year. JK Y’ALL I EAT LIKE A PREGGSLY ADDAMS PREGNANT OR NOT.
6:59 - Hi peoplefriends! I’m watching the E! red carpet as we speak and it’s a hilarious mess place because they don’t know what #AskHerMore means to the point where Ryan Seacrest literally spent an entire interview asking Naomi Watts about frittatas because that counts as more maybe.