As I write this, I am sitting on an exercise ball willing a child to attempt to vacate my body through sheer dreamwishing. I’ve spent the better part of the past three weeks writing about the Duggar horror show and making fleeting attempts to amuse myself through gifs and gifs alone. So what is the next step in self-distraction? Clearly, with Jurassic World releasing this week, I’ll be settling in on a beautiful day with this piece of dumb garbage. DINOSAURS WILL BE EVADED THROUGH THE POWER OF UNNECESSARY GYMNASTICS.
0:01 - This movie begins with a solid 30 seconds of darkness to pad the running time. Let’s not pretend it exists for any other reason.
0:02 - Our fun and exciting dinosaur movie launches into action with the world’s most annoying family wandering around a beach. They clearly got focus group notes on this that said “YES MORE OF THIS PLEASE” and wrote the third one.
0:03 - Fun fact: the annoying little girl from the beginning would go on to be the annoying less-little girl in the When a Stranger Calls remake.
0:04 - Our first shot of Jeff Goldblum is him yawning in front of a weirdly bright subway poster. He’s very famous for being science. Everyone is staring because science.
0:06 - John Hammond has his very own Alfred the butler because he’s old Batman and he still has his annoying grandkids because focus groups said “WE WANT MORE WHINY CHILDREN PLEASE” but also “ARIANA RICHARDS IS OLDER NOW SO PUT HER IN A LOW-CUT SUNDRESS.”
0:08 - Boringly irritated British people are ignoring Jeff Goldblum while filling out paperwork because this movie IS EXCITING.
0:10 - I love when movies try to science without sciencing. “Shouldn’t all the dinosaurs from the first movie that you set free on an island have died after a week?” “Yeah! They totes should have! They totes didn’t! SCIENCE!”
0:12 - Hammond gets the title line in two straight movies. You go, John Hammond.
0:14 - Julianne Moore is Jeff Goldblum’s girlfriend and he doesn’t know she’s already on Dino Island 2.0. He’s either not a very good boyfriend or they have a terrible relationship. I bet she cheats on him with a dinosaur.
0:14 - The dramatic score we all know and love kicks in as Hammond walks across his office holding binders. BINDERS! *music swells* Paperwork, not-science and Vince Vaughn being introduced to us while wearing a beret. Our movie, my friends.
0:16 - “Uh, where you’re going is the only place in the world where the geese chase you.” Have you ever even seen a goose, Goldblum? THOSE THINGS ARE MEAN. They’ll chase you any chance they get and they shit everywhere. That’s your Jurassic Park 5, people.
0:18 - Goldblum has a daughter who is sad to be continually abandoned, so he throws her abandonment in her face (I guess her mom took off for Paris or something, I don’t know, it’s abandoned quickly, just like the daughter). He’s a flaw-free father.
0:19 - SHE IS INTO GYMNASTICS. Please, please remember this. It is so important.
0:20 - I just realized that if you wanted to build your own Goldblum at home, you just mix Andy Serkis with Nick Kroll. The results are surprisingly sexy.
0:23 - Goldblum gets to Dino Island 2.0 and immediately starts screaming for Julianne Moore because he learned literally nothing after last time and so dinosaurs show up. But they’re stegosauruses who are nice and unbothered by all the people, because being an herbivore means you are fine with yelling intruders in the Jurassic Park world.
0:26 - Julianne Moore, the highly specialized paleontologist, is petting a dinosaur like it’s a goddamn puppy. I feel like that’s not what someone in that position would actually be doing but I know next to absolutely nothing about paleontologists outside of these movies and Ross Gellar, so who knows. Anyway, the reaction of said dinosaurs seem to confirm my thoughts on this.
0:34 - And we’re treated to several minutes of Goldblum and Moore fighting while his daughter cleans up the trailer she trashed almost instantly with six-pack rings and granola wrappers. We know people want dinosaurs, but what they REALLY want is a couple bickering for two hours amidst dinosaurs and litter. Also, corporate greed and theme parks. And Pete Postlethwaite. Just really less focus on dinosaurs. It’s best that dinosaurs remain afterthoughts at best.
0:39 - Are all JP movies sponsored by the tiny round stupid sunglasses corporation of America? Quality effects, stupid sunglasses. That’s what these movies share.
0:41 - One of the British bad guys tases a tiny dinosaur just to be a dick because HUNTING DINOSAURS IS BAD AND THIS IS A MOVIE WITH A MESSAGE. After this movie, the dinosaur hunting industry was really hurt. Thanks, movie. You did something great.
0:45 - The British bad guys want to round up all the dinosaurs and take them to San Diego so they can win all the cosplay awards at Comic Con and enjoy the fine performances at the Balboa Theater. And while I was typing flaming cars started being thrown at people, presumably by the dinosaurs themselves but I don’t know how much sense that makes, but I also know that doesn’t matter much in this movie, so we’ll go with it. It was either dinosaurs or Vince Vaughn.
0:48 - Peter Stormare has the sleepiest eyes in this movie. He needs nigh-nigh at once.
0:49 - A baby T-rex has a broken leg so they take it into the trailer to help it. Like people do in nature all the time. Like when the Planet Earth crew saved all the gazelles from being eaten by lions.
0:52 - Jeff Goldblum is leaving his daughter in a very high basket with Richard Schiff to zipline away and save Julianne Moore. His daughter is abandonment issuing all over the place.
0:55 - Julianne Moore is giving the T-rex amoxicillin. Amoxicillin is not effective in reptiles unless mixed with something else, according to the thing I just Googled, but it’s fine.
0:56 - Naturally, baby T-rex’s mom shows up and Julianne Moore smiles like a nitwit reuniting them because she is the world’s most naive paleontologist. Did she get her PhD by watching The Land Before Time?
0:59 - Julianne Moore is stranded on rapidly splintering glass dangling above rocky cliffs and certain death, which is called that because she should certainly be dead certainly. So dead. Life finds a way even when you’re the world’s most brainless fancy dino doctor.
1:04 - Richard Schiff has been trying to pull the deathly trailer up for like seven minutes now and GOD THIS IS TAKING FOREVER. I don’t remember thinking in the original Jurassic Park, “man this harrowing rescue scene is DRAGGING. Jesus.” All because Julianne Moore and Vince Vaughn were all “oh, look, a baby—LET’S TAKE IT AND FIX IT LIKE PROFESSIONALS DO.” Also, there’s fiery water explosions and it’s the most bored I’ve ever been during a fiery water explosion.
1:07 - And that scene is finally over, GOOD GOD.
1:07 - “We came here to watch,” Vince Vaughn says AND WHAT SUPERLATIVE WATCHING YOU HAVE DONE, what with your dino vet clinic and Julianne Moore groping creatures like it’s a goddamn petting zoo.
1:16 - Sorry, I got really distracted by the part of the movie I’m going to call “Grown Man Fights Tiny Dinosaurs and I Think It’s Supposed to Be Scary and Tense But Also Is It Supposed to Be Funny? No One Can Say For Sure.”
1:18 - This scene looks almost exactly like when our cat had fleas and the fleas were just jumping around being fleas and the cat was all “oh shit, fleas” and it wasn’t scary either and I actually think it took less time to give an insane flea-ridden cat a flea bath than this scene to end already. Did this movie have an editor? I feel like it was shot in real-time and literally nothing was cut out except the parts that make any or all the sense.
1:21 - Loud dinosaur steps are both heard and seen thanks to water rings. I feel like I’ve seen that somewhere before. I’m sure it’s wholly original. It’s not a great sign when the only thing that elicits any tension in your sequel is ripped straight out of the original. Also, Julianne Moore just hid a bunch of Krackle bars under a sleeping bag. A) Do dinosaurs like Krackle? No one actively seeks out Krackle. B) Under a sleeping bag is not the stealth hiding spot you’d think it is.
1:23 - Jeff Goldblum’s daughter, who is hiding under a sleeping bag with Julianne Moore like a couple of Krackles has a giant T-rex head hovering over her breathing and she’s all “what is that?” like it’s a weird draft and not A GIANT DINOSAUR BREATHING ON YOU. Also, no one else seemed to notice it either. It’s absolutely incredible what people do and do not notice in these movies. Dinosaurs by their very giant nature should not be able to sneak up on you.
1:26 - Vince Vaughn just thought Jeff Goldblum was a T-rex. Jeff Goldblum. An enormous dinosaur. He confused the two and thought an enormous dinosaur was charging when it was just Jeff Goldblum. This movie is stupid.
1:30 - Vince Vaughn just saw a mural of the OG Jurassic Park and his face seemed to say “aw man, yeah, that movie was way better.”
1:32 - Pete Postlewaite is being stealthy while wearing shorts which is a remarkable challenge I’m sure. It’s hard to elicit much fear or tension while wearing cargo shorts.
1:33 - Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore and daughter all just ran away from a raptor by running around a car and back toward the raptor. This movie is stupid.
1:35 - Julianne Moore and daughter are in a hole-digging race with two raptors and it is a true hole-digging battle royale. Also, they just got snuck up on by another dinosaur. That should not keep happening to them.
1:36 - SHUT UP EVERYONE, GYMNASTICS ARE HAPPENING.
1:38 - This movie is just Julianne Moore dangling from things precariously. When what it should be is DINOSAURS VERSUS GYMNASTICS. KERRI STRUGG FOR JURASSIC PARK 5.
1:41 - Julianne Moore just opened the helicopter door while they’re in mid-air. Nothing happens. Sometimes her poor life choices have no consequence. Also, we have about 25 pre-credit minutes left and we’re only just now getting to San Diego so I don’t think San Diego was the big deal this movie made it out to be. Also, San Diego is made of smoke and darkness and fences.
1:42 - Goldblum and Moore are in a massive rush to get to JP San Diego but they definitely had time to shower and change. I have no idea how much time has passed or hasn’t passed. It’s either the length of a shower and helicopter ride or several weeks. One of those.
1:44 - So there’s a boat with a dinosaur on it and it’s heading for the dock with a ton and a half of people on it and they literally all stand there like unblinking morons until the boat hits and then they’re all like “oh shit, boat” despite the fact they’ve been watching it approach for a full two minutes. Everyone in this stupid movie is stupid.
1:46 - Ostensibly the dinosaur murdered everyone on the boat super delicately because the boat isn’t completely destroyed but everyone on it is. It’s stupid.
1:47 - They literally just shot another scene where we’re supposed to think it’s a dinosaur but it’s not a dinosaur, it’s Jeff Goldblum. I don’t know what this movie is trying to tell us. I didn’t think Jeff Goldblum was a dinosaur but now I kind of do.
1:49 - A dinosaur is literally just wandering around residential San Diego right now, peeping in windows, drinking pools, the uszhe.
1:53 - Now it’s downtown just havocing and eating stoplights, the uszhe. So far it’s only eaten one guy though, and possibly a dog.
1:55 - There’s one animal control truck following the dinosaur which is adorable.
1:56 - What is it with giant reptile movies that are mostly about the power of a mother’s love? That’s a highly specific trend. Is the only way to humanize a giant scary creature to make it a mother? What does that say about mothers? I’m sure there’s a whole thing I could unwrap in all this but I’m tired and getting hungry and don’t actually care that much.
1:57 - A dinosaur has once again snuck up on someone, this time British bad guy who is about to meet his British bad guy end at the hands of baby T-rex. What an adorable way to go.
2:00 - Everything’s fine now, dinosaurs are on boats (because it went so well last time) and headed to a place and everything is fine. They’ll just chill in Costa Rica. Sorry, Costa Rica. You’re dinosaur country now. It’s been decided for you by AMERICA/BRITISH GUY.
Well that was that. No I’m not doing the third one. Even I have standards. They’re terrible standards, but they exist and they allow very little room for more whiny children and their whiner parents. BYE.