So I was trying to decide what to do for this week’s Liveblogging the ’90s, the last before I take a brief hiatus from watching ridiculous things for your joy and laughter. A VEIN OF WORDS I CUT BEFORE YOU, A VEIN OF WORDS! Anyway, my husband suggested “My Father Is a Hero” which is not the name of this movie but close enough and HUZZAH it’s on Netflix Instant! I’m sure this won’t be an instantly regrettable lifechoice!
0:00:36 - The lyrics to the opening song are “dah dee da dee da dee da doo da.” It’s the most sensical thing in this movie.
0:02:04 - Gerard Depardieu is FRAHNCH is he is in New York and he is a fish out of water because he is FRAHNCH and he doesn’t know how to tell the taxi where to go because they don’t have taxis in FRAHNCE.
0:03:33 - Lauren Hutton used to be married to Gerard Depardieu and they are the parents of Katherine Heigl who glares a lot and then she smiles and then she glares and then she snaps and yells and is mean and called her mother a bitch and I feel like she didn’t act much in this movie. She also says she learned to call her mother a bitch from him and I feel like she’s a broken child of an abusive marriage and her life is sad. She and her mom have touching moment I think and Katherine Heigl is ridiculously unlikable in this movie.
0:06:47 - Gerard Depardieu just got hit on (kind of—she was an abysmal actress) by a cute young bartender and there’s no reason why because he looks like he’s made of melted candles and nonsense. Katherine Heigl glares some more. She is mad Gerard Depardieu got her a Shirley Temple, so gets her a Coke and she smiles and then she glares and then she storms off. She has a very severe mental illness.
0:08:37 - They go to the Caribbean. She’ll probably glare a lot there, too.
0:10:29 - She wants her own room and not to sleep with her creepy father she hasn’t seen in a year and a half and YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. Gerard Depardieu looks hurt. He has a probably-FRAHNCH girlfriend who won’t answer is calls. He looks hurt.
0:11:48 - The camera just did a slow pan up the sleeping body of a 14-year-old. Now I look hurt.
0:12:21 - Katherine Heigl wakes up glaring. She’s forever glaring. Her smile is terrifying and unnatural.
HOW DOES HUMAN SMILE FACE DO?
0:13:58 - Gerard Depardieu is getting hit on again. I don’t know.
0:14:42 - This is Katherine Heigl’s bathing suit. She is 14. I don’t know who this movie is for—teens who are supposed to side with her, or parents who are supposed to side with him. THIS MOVIE IS WRONG AND THERE ARE NO WINNERS.
0:16:44 - Sexy love interest just snorkeled up to her which is the least sexy thing a person can do.
0:18:51 - Depardieu brings Katherine Heigl a nerd. The nerd is trying. The nerd is failing. This scene is sad. It’s what GamerGate guys picture when they envision a world of feminists in charge.
0:19:58 - Gerard Depardieu is being hit on AGAIN. What is this world? Katherine Heigl slow-motion swan dives into the pool then flirts with a middle-aged man who looks like Ted Nugent and who wants to take pictures of her. What is this world?
0:21:41 - Katherine Heigl and Gerard Depardieu walked to dinner, and she grabbed his arm to make the love interest older boy jealous and then winked at Gerard Depardieu while flirting with a keyboard player because she’s trying to make her dad jealous? I don’t know. This whole movie is deeply upsetting.
0:22:15 - Older boy keeps checking out her cans. She tells him that Gerard Depardieu is her boyfriend. And that they don’t sleep together while traveling because they have to tell people she’s his daughter. She snuggles up to her “daddy” because she’s making older boy jealous. I threw up all over the place.
0:24:51 - Now she’s being mean to him again and he doesn’t understand and yells at her and theirs is a broken stupid relationship and I hate this movie.
0:26:39 - Katherine Heigl tells older boy that she used to be addicted to dope and Gerard Depardieu saved her and this is weird.
0:27:56 - The chick who’s been hitting on Gerard Depardieu is still hitting on Gerard Depardieu. I don’t think she loves herself.
0:29:10 - Everyone at the hotel thinks Gerard Depardieu is a creepy child molester because…comedy?
0:31:55 - Oh my god Gerard Depardieu just tried to help a very young like 8-year-old girl with a chair and her dad comes up and rescues his daughter from what he believes to be a child rapist and oh my god what have I done what have I done?
0:32:43 - Older boy tries to kill Gerard Depardieu with water skiing. Seriously.
Katherine Heigl: Slow down, you’re going to break his neck.
Older boy: Would that be so bad?
Murder and ephebophilia. That’s what this movie is all about.
0:33:49 - This is a very wacky attempted murder scene. And my god is it long.
0:34:38 - Still going guys. This will be going forever. This will never end. We live in this scene now.
0:35:20 - OK it’s over now. OH JK GIANT BOAT, no it’s not.
0:36:00 - Now it’s over. Jesus.
0:38:22 - Try-too-hard hitting-on-Gerard lady is telling Gerard that Katherine Heigl is horny as shit for her first kiss. I got my first kiss at 13 or 14. It was gross. Dude’s upper lip flipped up. It was nast.
0:39:34 - Katherine Heigl cuts in on her dad dancing with try-hard so she can make older boy jealous and it’s fucking foul.
0:40:50 - Guys. Emma Thompson is in this movie. Like…for real. She’s uncredited. But she’s in it. She’s the girlfriend he keeps calling and they only talk over answering machines. She’s only seen from the back and just limbs. She’s shot like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.
0:43:45 - Katherine Heigl is mad her dad wants to marry the back of Emma Thompson’s head so she runs to older boy and tells him she hates Gerard Depardieu and makes him think he’s like beat her up, this is some Gone Girl shit. Ned Ryerson is acting out the STELLA! scene from Streetcar and this movie is nuts bonkers bananas crazy.
0:44:34 - Gerard Depardieu plays “Thank Heavens for Little Girls” because it’s important to be as accidentally inappropriate as possible except I feel like that song is inappropriate anyway.
0:48:11 - Katherine Heigl has gotten older boy to offer to steal his parents’ boat and hide her from the dangerous perversions of Gerard Depardieu. This movie is why my brother’s high-school girlfriend wore band-aids on her wrist to school for two days, isn’t it?
0:49:20 - Gerard Depardieu comes to take Katherine Heigl home, older boy punches him in the face, they tussle, they violently pull at Katheine Heigl’s arms, this movie has horrible views of women and men and humans and relationships and crop tops and water skiing.
0:50:57 - Katherine Heigl just told a very sad story about how Gerard Depardieu lied to get out of her 13th birthday party, faking sick while he was really out with the back of Emma Thompson’s head, and she waited in the lobby for him on her birthday and he’s not even sorry and this is so sad no wonder she’s a broken human.
0:52:49 - Katherine Heigl is confessing to Gerard Depardieu. “I told him you were my lover.” BABYFETUSGIRL DO YOU KNOW WHAT A LOVER IS? IT IS A FUCKPERSON. A PERSON YOU ALLOW IN YOUR SPECIAL PLACE. DON’T CALL YOUR DAD THAT. THIS MOVIE IS AN IPECAC.
0:55:23 - So older boy is coming over to confront Gerard Depardieu and older boy has really inserted himself into this situation while NO ONE ELSE IS. Everyone else is just gossiping. Older boy is all fisticuffs and morning confrontations.
0:57:12 - Gerard Depardieu asks older boy if he loves Katherine Heigl boy and he does, he really does love this fetusbaby that he’s only met four times, each time fraught with drama and nonsense, because everyone in this movie is a walking issue.
0:58:42 - Older boy apparently tells Katherine Heigl he thinks Gerard Depardieu is a great guy now. People are apparently easily swayed by brief dialogue with disgusting sex offenders. She told older boy that Gerard Depardieu is dying. This movie is a comedy.
1:02:02 - Gerard Depardieu had to just fake a whole bunch of dying for older boy. Older boy thinks Gerard Depardieu has had “an amazing life.” So, remember hideous sex monsters: lie well enough, and people will forgive you.
1:03:21 - Gerard Depardieu is yelling at try-hard lady because he stood her up. This movie is all glares and gossip and French screaming.
1:05:09 - Gerard Depardieu is now giving beer to a 17-year-old because it’s important we just add to the charges.
1:06:46 - Katherine Heigl tells Gerard Depardieu he’s become too awesome and older boy likes him too much (I don’t fucking know, guys) so now he has to be ridiculous in front of him by failing at tennis and failing at windsurfing. So now they just get to laugh at what they think is a dying man.
1:10:55 - Katherine Heigl got sad because older boy thinks she’s super in love with her dad so she goes sadness windsurfing and that leads to danger so Gerard Depardieu swims his hulking monster body into the ocean to save her and immediately gets a cramp. He screams like a dying brontosaurus while crampswimming. They save him. She calls him daddy.
1:15:39 - Older boy is horrified and hates her now and rightfully so.
1:18:22 - Gerard Depardieu is Cyrano-ing her and it’s ridiculous.
1:22:17 - Gerard Depardieu is being laughingly mean to everyone at the resort because they dared to think he was a child molester because his daughter told everyone he’s a child molester. LAUGH AT THE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS.
1:24:53 - Katherine Heigl is dancing on the beach with older boy while Gerard Depardieu watches from the balcony and her skirt is blowing up and showing her underwear while they kiss and 14. 14 YEARS OLD.
1:25:43 - The back of Emma Thompson’s head is now being played by the front of Emma Thompson’s face and she and Gerard Depardieu get engaged and he demands a baby and “make sure it’s a girl.” Ha. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Bye or something. I don’t know. Fuck you.