At the insistence of many and by the magical luck of Xfinity OnDemand for the low low price of $3.99, this week’s movie is I Know What You Did Last Summer, a movie I haven’t seen since a junior high sleepover and remember absolutely nothing about except Jennifer Love Hewitt’s flawless and amazing style of acting, which I cannot explain in written word so I made you this:
0:00 - This movie opens with the most hardcore cover of “Summer Breeze” ever. I think it’s ironic. Or something. I don’t know. ’90s.
0:01 - Johnny Galecki is in this movie apparently. And Anne Heche. And Veronica Vaughn from Billy Madison. I literally recall none of these people having anything to do with this movie. It’s possible I recall literally nothing about this movie. Literally. SUMMAH BREEEEZE.
0:02 - Does this take place in Seattle? Because all the other ones do. This might as well. There’s a cliff and an ocean and MYSTERY MUSIC. That sounds a lot like Seattle to me.
0:03 - There’s also a sad overalls boy sitting on the cliff with an ugly keychain pendant thing. He looks like a bloated puffy London twin. Which is to say a London twin.
0:03 - He’s considering killing himself but there are fireworks. Who could kill themselves with such merriment and festivities?
0:04 - JLoveHew: “UH, GUYS? HELLO? I’m on sexist overload!” My impersh was TOP FUCKING NOTCH.
0:05 - SMG is a beauty queen. Her hair is long. She wins the pageant despite the fact the other girls have way better “tits out” beauty queen posture. Ryan Phillippe is her boyfriend and is happy because it’s 1997 and he is still a person at this point.
0:07 - OK I’m remembering things. Johnny Galecki is the creepy stalker type who’s in love with JLH and Veronica Vaughn from Billy Madison is SMG’s sister. FPJ (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) breaks up a fight between Johnny Galecki and Ryan Phillippe that likely started because they were battling for two-named supremacy in this film.
0:09 - Our core four, like a lobotomized Scooby gang, is sitting around a fire drinking some manner of off-brand movie booze badly telling urban legend ghost stories. That movie’s not out yet so 1997 us was all ooooohh ahhhh interesting.
0:10 - SMG is a superior creature and is outacting everyone else in this movie. JLH and FPJ are kind of destroying me with their general not-goodness.
0:12 - “We can’t all sit in a coffee house and ramble esoterically on a laptop.” Guys, I miss Kevin Williamson. He was my human vocab lesson.
0:12 - FPJ and JLH decide to have tender virgin beach sex. “Wouldn’t you get sand all up in your vagina?” my husband asks correctly.
0:13 - Ryan Phillippe is being a douche dick of a Drunky Brewster and I have it on good authority that he’s playing Ryan Phillippe. He causes FPJ to run over someone. Ryan Phillippe is just upset about his car. Way more than he is upset about someone else’s blood on his face.
0:15 - They think they ran over a dog but there’s a boot and DOGS DON’T WEAR BOOTS, GUYS. They find the body and we get our first JLH scream of the movie. Those Vagazzle Lungs (TM) are phenomenal.
0:16 - They’re doing that movie thing where they think they can’t be honest about what they did. Everyone is pouting and Ryan Phillippe is screaming.
0:18 - This is now the second movie in a row where the answer to the problems of teenagers is “let’s dump the body.” Ryan Phillippe has to because he’s the asshole. FPJ has to because he’s poor. Poor Kid, Asshole, Beauty Queen and Sparkle Vag. These are our Heroes. They are Important. Johnny Galecki is Hateful about it.
0:20 - I bet teens who live near strong tides dump bodies all the time. I live near a manmade lake in the middle of Illinois. I won’t get to dump any bodies. BUT WHAT OF MY BUCKET LIST?
0:22 - The body comes back to life with magic rage and reaches up and steals SMG’s crown. They bash his head in and push him in the water. Ryan Philippe dives in to get the crown. Guy comes back to life again. This bloody guy in overalls is made of teflon and Charlie Sheens.
0:23 - I don’t want to type Ryan Phillippe anymore so I’m going to start calling them by their character names even though I don’t know them. Barry (Phillippe) has been screaming at and strangling Julie (JLH) for this entire scene and it seems to be kosher with everyone.
0:25 - Julie is at college now. Her roommate is the only black character we’ll see for the rest of the movie and she makes sure we know this by making four references to Julie’s whiteness in just 30 seconds of screentime. Also there’s some weird push-in reveal of Julie even though she’s the star of the movie and we just saw her. I don’t get it. This isn’t a good movie.
0:26 - Julie’s mom asks if Julie is on drugs. Julie is sad because of murder reasons. You can tell because her hair looks like shit and she’s wearing bad jeans, or that might just be because ’90s.
0:27 - 27 minutes in and we have a title! Julie gets a letter. “Who sent this? There’s no postmark or return address.” THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE KNOW, JULIE? No wonder you’re doing shittily in school.
0:29 - BTdubs, this is North Carolina, not Seattle. I forgot that Kevin Williamson was all about the North Carolina.
0:29 - FYI, I owned this soundtrack. It was flawless. I still have “Hush” by Kula Shaker on my iTunes.
0:30 - Veronica Vaughn is a real asshole in this movie. Every line is hissed with hate and disdain.
0:30 - Helen (SMG) was supposed to go to New York and be famous and she now works in a department store which is pretty much what happens to most people. Helen is also wearing a thumb ring and an arm collar, which was a weird ’90s bracelet people wore on their upper arms and was stupid. Barry is a beater-wearing fucknut still. He’s violent and yells a lot. I think it’s supposed to be because of the accident and the idea is that it ruined all their lives, but since we’ve only seen Barry yelling like a fucknut this isn’t super clear. This isn’t a good movie.
0:33 - The soundtrack score is some Disney magic. It’s like the music that plays in the intro scene of Beauty and the Beast.
0:33 - Johnny Galecki is the movie’s first and foremost red herring. He hates everyone. Everyone in this movie hates everyone. Everyone is mean and angry and yells a lot. Barry attacks him with a hook in the fourth hook reference in the movie because foreshadowing reasons. “I’ll call the cop on your college quarterback ass!” Galeckz yells because class differences are very important when you’re scared after being threatened with a hook.
0:35 - Ray (FPJ) is also wearing a beater but it’s because he’s a working class fisherman now so I don’t know why Barry was wearing one since he’s rich except ’90s and beefcake and squishy ’90s teen girl parts reasons.
0:37 - Galecksicle is mad again. Go figure. There is a HOOK IN THE SHOT. I’m sure it’s nothing.
0:38 - Galecksicle is murdered with a hook. It was something. My bad, that’s on me.
0:38 - Barry is beating up a punching bag. He is wearing a beater. This movie was sponsored by the beater corporation. Also, I recognize that “wife beater” is literally the worst name for an article of clothing but that’s what it was called then in that ignorant/innocent/ignocent time when we didn’t know things were horrifically offensive. I’m speaking ’90s here. When in ’90s Rome.
0:40 - Barry has removed his beater and is now shirtless. Then his car gets stolen. He runs after it. Then it runs after him. He outruns it. This is silly. Then it hits him and crashes into…a thing. He’s fine. Hook murderer comes to hook murder him. Fade to black.
0:42 - He’s fine again. He’s just in the hospital and fine. Everything’s fine. Everyone is mad at everyone again.
0:44 - Everyone has lots of issues and needs lots of group counseling. Admittedly the whole hit and run body dumping thing is a hinderance.
0:45 - Julie shows Helen the internet. Helen is intrigued. Juile learns Guy they Hit used to be engaged (to girl who used to own the ugly keychain pendant thing from the beginning one would assume). Julie and Helen go to visit his mom and sister in their hill people home “in the sticks” that’s actually quite bucolic and nice. They are still Concerned. Julie tries to break in. To apologize I guess?
0:47 - SOMEONE IS THERE. SOMEONE OF FRIGHTFUL DISTRUST. It’s Anne Heche. AND SHE OWNS A RAIN SLICKER. Julie starts asking a bunch of not-at-all obvious questions to this clearly jittery and disturbed woman. “Do you have a brother? Do you live alone?” Jesus, Julie, you’re the worst murderer. “I think I remember David. He had a friend.” GOD HELEN, YOU’RE WORSE THAN JULIE.
0:49 - Frightfully Distrustful Mystery Sister provides Exposition regarding a friend of her brother’s named Billy Blue. Sure it is.
0:51 - “HEY!” Anne Heche screams terrifyingly and aggressively at the car before politely handing the girls a pack of cigarettes. Then she disappears into frightful distrust that could only have been more frightfully distrustful if she’d actually crouched and lowered herself out of the frame.
0:52 - Helen and Julie have a tender BFF talk because murder ruins friendships, you guys. That’s the real lesson of this movie. Friendships and hair.
0:54 - Hook murderer is in Helen’s house skulking around while she pours herself a glass of product placement. He somehow appears in her closet even though he was just downstairs when she was walking up the stairs. Hook murderers can aperate. A WILD VERONICA VAUGHN APPEARS TO CAUSE SCARY FRIGHT. Also to be a thunderous bitch just like she has been the whole movie. Also also to point out again how important Helen’s hair is to her. HAVE WE MENTIONED HELEN LOVES HER HAIR? HELEN LOVES HER HAIR. THEY WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER, GUYS.
0:56 - HOOK MURDERER CUT OFF HELEN’S HAIR, GUYS. THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT TIME BARRY GOT RUN OVER BY A CAR.
0:57 - Julie reacts so horrified to a phone call that was technically about a bad haircut. She goes to confront Johnny Galecki. I bet he’s totally the killer, guys.
0:59 - JOHNNY GALECKI DIDN’T DO IT, GUYS, HE’S DEFINITELY IN A TRUNK FULL OF CRABS.
0:59 - Julie goes to get her friends and when they get back Johnny Galecki and all the crabs are gone. Hook killers are way better at body dumping than these clownshoes.
1:01 - HOLY SHIT RYAN PHILLIPPE JUST DELIVERED THE BEST WORST LINE READ IN HISTORY.
1:02 - Barry has decided that Ray is behind it because he’s a fisherman. In a North Carolina fishing town. Ray is sad. He has sad ’90s eyes.
1:02 - They just realized that Billy Blue might not be the guy’s real name. Guys. Of course it isn’t.
1:03 - FPJ’s eyebrows are hypnotic. No wonder SMG let them impregnate her (yes, his eyebrows did it. For they are his most virile of parts.)
1:03 - Helen is sitting in a clamshell in a parade sporting a much cuter haircut, because hook murderer was kind enough to only cut off the hair below her shoulders.
1:05 - Barry jumps an old man. The old man seemed to get the kind of stage direction “act like you’re blind.”
1:06 - Julie goes back to Anne Heche’s house. She cannot locate Anne Heche. But scary Texas Chainsaw music is playing and some manner of game fowl has been killed along with the skins of several animals. A WILD ANNE HECHE APPEARS WITH A KNIFE AND FRIGHTFUL DISTRUST.
1:07 - Phallic fisherman hats are the most popular item in this entire town. Penis hats everywhere. Bunches of peenheads.
1:09 - Anne Heche is all “my brother killed himself” and Julie is all “we killed him with a car” and Anne Heche is all “GTFO SPARKLE COOTCH” and Julie is all “WE KILLED A DIFFERENT PERSON THAN THE PERSON WE THOUGHT WE HAD KILLED.”
1:11 - Some 40-year-old teen beauty queen is singing “Fame” badly and hook murderer didn’t like it either so he hook murders Barry and everyone tries to hold Helen back like she’s crazy rather than do something about the murder that just happened.
1:13 - Oh but JK hook murderer is super speedy and can aperate and has super Barry-lifting strength. Small-town cops are all “beauty queens be crazy dramatic” while Barry is all “I’M FUCKING DEAD NOW.”
1:14 - Helen is sadder to lose her crown than her boyfriend.
1:14 - Condescending cop just mocked Helen’s horrific haircutting experience. I mean, I know I did it up there, but that’s because this is a movie and for the cop it’s REAL LIFE and that’s fucked up.
1:15 - Hook murderer has now found himself a truck and is pretending to fix it, having predicted the cop would have to go down that exact alley way. This guy is the best at murdering.
1:16 - Juile is back at home being the best at internet.
1:16 - Veronica Vaughn is at the department store being terrible at being a human sister and being hateful and monstrous like she has been this whole movie. I hope hook murderer gets her next. To the seductive jamz of Hooverphonic. I’m just gonna sway for a quick minute while he murders her in the face.
1:18 - Hook murderer hook carries the body away, fairly slowly. Like way too slowly to have done the magical Harry Potter shit he’s been doing this whole movie. But he does have time to pretend to be a scary mannequin for maximum scare impact. Helen simply refuses to use her goddamn slayer strength to fuck this guy up, down and sideways. GILES, WHERE YOU AT?
1:22 - Hook murderer appears from nowhere to kill Helen, and by “from nowhere” I mean he could have come from nowhere except the goddamn parade of happy teens.
1:23 - Julie’s all “we have to go find Helen and Barry” and Ray is all “come up on this boat with me for alonely times of love” and Julie is all “YOU’RE BARRY BLUE AND TOTES THE KILLER” and the obvious killer tells her to get into his boat and she’s all “THAT’S A STELLAR IDEA OBVIOUS KILLER” and then immediately realizes he’s a fucking killer. Julie is fucking stupid you guys.
1:26 - He looks great for having been run over by a car, bashed in the head and drowned just a year prior. Not to mention all the lugging bodies and crabs and haircutting utensils around. It’s probably a great workout. It will be the new Crossfit.
1:28 - FPJ’s face never leaves a constant state of eyebrow-raised pouty shock, even when attempting to avoid hook murder.
1:30 - OK I looked away to check my phone for a minute and JLH is in a shit ton of ice and dead bodies and FPJ is tight-rope walking and I don’t even know.
1:31 - Hook murderer is knocked out by DUN DUN DUN a hook! A boat…hook…thing. A hook thing on a boat. It’s a boat hook on a thing I DON’T KNOW BOATS. He’s not out for long though because he is made of wonder and unicorns clearly and is never not immediately fine, probably because his wardrobe is from the Ernest P. Worell line of fashion apparel.
1:33 - “We never killed anyone. This whole year was for nothing.” YES. EVERYTHING WE DID WAS FINE. WE ARE WHOLLY UNRESPONSIBLE.
1:33 - Ray: “I love you, Julie. No one gets me the way you do.” Julie: “I understand your pain.” Oh shut the fuck up.
1:34 - And only the hook remained! And bloody stump hook hand.
1:34 - Everything’s OK now and you can tell because her hair’s not garbage anymore. She’s wearing a choker into the shower because ’90s.
1:36 - SOMEONE IN HER SHOWER STILL KNOWS WHAT SHE DID LAST LAST SUMMER. WHO LET THAT PERSON INTO HER SHOWER EVEN? SCARY HOOK MURDERER APPEARANCE. SEQUEL O’CLOCK. I DANCE TO “HUSH” FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.
Thank you ALL for suggesting this movie because it’s everything I could have dreamed. I will now only do movies I haven’t seen since I was 14. It’s much better this way. May your days be filled with crowns, crabs and hook hands.
Read previous ’90s liveblogs of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, The Cutting Edge, The Craft, Fear, The Crush, Titanic and Batman and Robin.
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