0:02 - OK for starters the opening credits are a full two minutes and just play the entire score of the first movie.
0:02 - The family McCallister is readying for another trip all together even though they are all awful miserable humans. Fuller is drinking a Coke because a) product placement, b) this movie’s need to hit every memorable moment from its predecessor, c) he’s a full year older and still wetting the bed and should be checked for diabetes at once.
0:02 - Kevin is in his parents’ room which is made of hideous floral wall paper and floral wall bouquets and is the ugliest thing in the world. He is playing with a TALK BOY FROM TIGER ELECTRONICS AVAILABLE IN STORES CHRISTMAS 1992! and the audio is absolute perfection even though everyone who actually got one of these for Christmas after this movie came out knows that this was not the case. The audio in real life was your basic “home karaoke machine after being flushed down a toilet.”
0:03 - Kevin: Why do we have to go to Florida? There’s no Christmas trees in Florida.
Mom: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?
It’s freaking Christmas and he’s 10; I feel like this is not a ridiculous sentiment, especially since you DECIMATED HIS LAST CHRISTMAS.
0:04 - Dad just unplugged the clock because reasons of plot and didn’t notice because reasons of plot and John Heard is literally done. Like he’s not even trying. He’s dead inside. He showed more energy in Sharknado.
0:04 - Kevin: “Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I’d grow up never feeling like a real man.” Um, Uncle Frank is a human monster pervert freak asshole. STOP LETTING HIM AROUND YOUR KIDS, TERRIBLE PARENTS.
0:05 - Uncle Frank is indeed in the shower, is singing, Kevin records it using his TALK BOY FROM TIGER ELECTRONICS, Uncle Frank calls Kevin a pervert and tells him he will slap him silly. Uncle Frank is human garbage.
0:05 - It’s the school pageant and for no clear reason, Kevin is in the same choir as Buzz and Big Pete from Pete & Pete even though they are probably 17 years old or older. Buzz mocks Kevin while he sings and the giant audience of adults laughs at the bland humiliation of a child. Kevin pushes Buzz and everyone falls down because they are all made of bird bones and doily material and an old lady is possibly killed and it’s all Kevin’s fault even though Buzz is human garbage, and I bet Catherine O’Hara totally banged Uncle Frank and that’s how Buzz happened because garbage is a dominant trait.
0:07 - Buzz tells a fake apology and his family actually applauds which is some bullshit because there’s no way his siblings haven’t had their lives ruined by his garbaging. Kevin speaks the truth and gets in trouble. Uncle Frank is abusive again, Kevin calls him a cheapskate, everyone gasps like he called him a fucknutter even though he totally is a fucknutter.
0:08 - Kevin: “They’re all a bunch of jerks.” Seriously, dude. They are. You might be better off on your own. Maybe this movie ends with you being rescued by DCFS or something.
0:09 - Mom just implied that last time’s mishap was all Kevin’s fault which is some 8-year-old victim blaming bullshit. YOU ABANDONED YOUR CHILD. YOU ABANDONED YOUR BOY.
0:10 - THE WET BANDITS HAVE ESCAPED FROM PRISON? WHAT REMARKABLE TIMING INDEED. Good thing they burgle in the Chicago suburbs and it would make no sense for them to be anywhere else, like New York or something.
0:10 - Catherine O’Hara and John Heard wake up late, like last year, because of the totally subtle aforementioned clocking, and apparently NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE including the other two adults has access to an alarm clock. How they weren’t awoken by the unbearable loudness of their own wallpaper I’ll never know.
0:13 - So, for reasons of plot and product tie-ins, Kevin gets separated from his family and follows another man onto a totally different plane. If anyone in this family was actually a decent human or responsible adult, this wouldn’t keep happening. But, alas, garbage. Garbage family.
0:17 - Uncle Frank hates Kevin so much he won’t even touch his bag. Uncle Frank has murdered several people, mark my words.
0:17 - So, obvs, Kevin and his family were on different flights—his family of monsters is in Miami and he is in New York. This massively resourceful child who is definitely also a sociopath gets downtown and stands atop the World Trade Center which is deeply weird still.
0:21 - The parents go to the police to report Kevin missing and laugh about never losing their luggage. The cop is unamused because, you know, monster parents.
0:23 - Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci are in New York, what a shocking turn of events. I don’t remember Daniel Stern being offensively moronic in the first one, but he definitely is in this one.
0:24 - Kevin sees a homeless woman with pigeons on her, stares in abject horror and whispers “sick” then runs away because this movie is kind of fucked up.
0:26 - Kevin goes to the Plaza Hotel where he runs into Donald Trump because there was a time before we all knew what an actual asscheese that guy is. Tim Curry sees Kevin and immediately hates and distrusts him. It’s kind of disconcerting.
0:30 - Rob Schneider is here because there was a time he was a thing. His hair is very upsetting. It shouldn’t have been allowed to happen.
0:31 - Just an FYIskies, this suite at the Plaza today would probably be about $2,000 a night. That is so many dollars. Granted, the house in the movie is worth about a million, so they’re not hurting or anything, but DAYUMN.
0:32 - Everyone keeps staring in disgust at the existence of a child, which I kind of might too for $2,000 a night.
0:33 - Kevin orders all the ice cream and like three cheesecakes and watches a ridiculous sequel to that fake movie from the first movie, only in this one the guy kills a woman with a tommygun and tells her he could smell her from the elevator. It’s pretty fucked up, guys.
0:36 - Tim Curry enters Kevin’s room under false pretenses which is totally weird and sketchy. Why do you so massively distrust this small child, Tim Curry? Did a small child kill your parents? Luckily, Kevin tricks him with a blow-up doll (I don’t even know, guys), a pulley system pulled together with freakish speed and the superlative audio of his TALK BOY FROM TIGER ELECTRONICS, including a portion of Uncle Frank’s song that took place after Kevin ran far away from the room.
0:42 - Kevin gets a limo with a cheese pizza and Coke in a champagne flute which is my literally adult dream right now.
0:43 - Tim Curry is really excited and vindicated to learn Kevin’s credit card is stolen. Because that was the most logical possibility? So many trust issues in this film.
0:46 - Kevin goes to a toy store because he is 10. Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci are also at that same toy store because plot device.
0:49 - Kevin meets a toy shop owner, the nicest man in the world, who seems woefully out of place in this movie filled with the worst people in existence.
0:50 - Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern notice Kevin because his bag says “K. McCallister.” Except we’ve already established it’s his dad’s bag so that makes no sense because the dad’s name is Peter and it’s almost like this isn’t a very good movie.
0:52 - Kevin buys beads for the sole purpose of making the robbers fall down even though this is Christmastime in New York and literally EVERYONE would also fall and die and it would be Kevin’s fault.
0:59 - So Kevin tricked the hotel staff into thinking they were under automatic weapon fire, now he’s in the clutches of the robbers who want to murder him. I feel like this movie isn’t for kids.
1:00 - Meanwhile in terrible family news, the McCallisters are staying in the shittiest, most heinous roach motel.
1:03 - Kevin is roaming the streets of New York at night and is afraid of all the homeless people because he’s a wealthy suburban white child and our hero. He is also propositioned by prostitutes, which is unsavory, and scared by a man with scars on his face, because Jesus, at this point why not? He’s nice to the pigeons even though they are rats with wings, but scared shitless by the poor.
1:07 - A massive swarm of pigeons flocks to Kevin and Bird Lady and the music would indicate this is a magical moment even though it is my actual literal nightmare.
1:11 - Bird Lady is telling Kevin about her heartbreak and he tells her that’s dumb and starts talking about rollerskates. I think this movie invented mansplaining.
1:15 - Kevin decides to save the day from the robbers who are going to rob Christmas from sick children and he does so using a house under major renovations and I don’t know mostly this movie is just still happening and will be for, like, 45 more minutes. This is the longest movie I’ve ever seen. There has never been a longer movie.
1:21 - Kevin’s parade of attempted murder has once again begun. It’s always weirdly off-putting in movies when people fall on top of cars, shattering windows and crushing the metal, but sustain no injury. Like, everyone is fine. They should be shitting through tubes in a hospital bed for the rest of their lives.
1:24 - Kevin just threw a brick from the roof of a three- or four-story building and didn’t kill them, but 100-percent definitely should have. This movie is obscenely violent in ways Eli Roth only wishes he could pull off.
1:26 - Daniel Stern is being shot with a nailgun. FOR COMEDY.
1:28 - Like, OK, what if Kevin straight up killed these two? Is it self-defense if it’s methodically planned and executed with blueprints?
1:32 - Kevin just electrocuted Daniel Stern after a whole bunch of paint cans fell on him after he fell in a giant hole. He also just set Joe Pesci on fire, including tricking him into dunking his head in a toilet full of lighter fluid. I mean, this kid is some next-level serial killer shit.
1:33 - There’s also still like a half hour left of this movie. JESUS GOD.
1:34 - A 100-pound bag just fell on Daniel Stern’s head. He remains alive. They are definitely vampires.
1:37 - This cavalcade of murderous destruction is still happening and getting more and more twisted by the second. NO ONE SHOULD BE ALIVE AT THIS POINT.
1:41 - Kevin tried to set them on fire again, they fell from about roof-level and again got paint cans dropped on them from serious heights. EVERYONE IS SOMEHOW STILL ALIVE.
1:42 - And, yet, everyone is and the robbers take Kevin to the park to murder him in the face. Literally. Joe Pesci points a gun at a small child. He is then saved by pigeons and Brenda Fricker.
1:46 - Catherine O’Hara is running around trying to hand people her wallet to show them Kevin’s picture, which seems like a poor choice.
1:48 - Because of one throwaway line in the beginning, Catherine O’Hara realizes Kevin must be at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Where he is praying to a tree. ALL HAIL THE TREE GODS.
1:52 - So the Plaza comped them the penthouse and they made all 10 kids, including the victim of their poor parenting, sleep in one room while the parents get the fanciest room. BULLSHIT.
1:55 - Kevin learned a valuable lesson about the homeless and he spent a thousand dollars on room service and his parents only care about that last one. Great movie. THE FUCKING END.