Credit Reports Are Garbage

By Emily Cutler | Last Week Tonight | April 11, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Last Week Tonight | April 11, 2016 |

At some point, you have to start worrying about John Oliver’s mental health. Does he feel a certain amount of accomplishment after he exposes the inner garbage workings of yet another garbage industry? Or has he, much like what I did to cover his show each Monday morning, just developed a standard template to fill in each week?

Terrible Thing:

Here’s Why It’s Fucked:

Terrible Thing Is (Circle All That Apply):

- Sexist

- Racist

- Corrupted by Modern Capitalism

Solutions: Fuck it.

But maybe I just think that way because I’m not as funny as Oliver is.

I can’t stop imagining the boner Kafka would pop upon hearing the sentence “They wouldn’t give me my credit report because they told me I was dead.”

But, lest you feel overwhelmed by the fuckery involved in credit reporting, just remember that you can have a great credit score, as long as you meet the requirements of the Three C’s:

Capable of Avoiding Any and All Medical Crises

Confident That Your Parents Can Pay For Your College and Down Payment on a House

Currently in Possession of a Name Which Will Never Be Confused With Anyone Else’s

So congratulations, ZapWise Melbatoast. Your credit score is golden.