If it weren’t for the ridiculously awful projects that Hollywood greenlights, sites likes ours would be extinct. Sure, we hate the sequels, remakes, and television adaptations as much as you, but we feed on your bile. Hate is so very nutritious. And filling! And while it does seem like we’re reporting a damn-near criminally putrid project in development at least once a day, these stories — like Paul Blart’s flatulence — dissipate in the winds of our mind. We repress them; block them; or flee in terror. At least until the trailer appears.
But what if I were to list the ten worst projects currently in development — many of which we’ve already reported on — in one single unavoidable post. What if, with one scan of your eyes, ten of the most lame-brained, frogballs retarded movie projects could be seared into your brain flaps, short-circuiting your nervous system and shutting down your ability to think.
I like to call this the Internet Lobotomy Project.
Honorable Mentions: Stretch Armstrong, American Gladiators, Monopoly,, the Drop Dead Fred remake, and a Viewmaster movie.
10. Barbie the Movie
Studio: Universal Pictures in conjunction with Mattell
Logline: Sometimes she’s a teen; sometimes she’s a pilot, a military officer, a teacher, or an astronaut. She drives an assortment of cars, dates a man named Ken, and has friends straight out of a United Colors of Benetton ad.
Logline: Big-budget murder-mystery thriller that has fuckall to do with Tim Curry’s cult classic. This Clue, while still based on the board game, leaves the parlor and becomes a world-wide mystery.
8. National Lampoon’s Family Vacation
Studio: New Line Cinema
Logline: A reboot of National Lampoon’s Vacation movie, focusing on a younger generation of Griswalds.
7. Little Big War
Logline: About a two friends who discover a 3D photocopier that allows anything they put into it come to life. So, they bring models to life, a la Weird Science. Directed by Walt Becker (Wild Hogs, Old Dogs).
6. Dear Dracula
Studio: Kickstart Productions
Logline: A boy decides not to write Santa a letter at Christmas, but instead sends a letter to Dracula, asking if he can be a vampire for Halloween. The boy is in for quite a surprise when Dracula shows up to deliver.
5. Bazooka Joe
Studio: Michael Eisner’s Tornante Company
Logline: Based on the comic strip that comes with Bazooka Joe bubblegum, about an adventurous kid with an inexplicable eye patch who goes on misadventures with Jane, Pesty, Mort, Hungry, Toughie, and his dog, Walkie Talkie.
4. Dancing with Myself
Studio: Warner Brothers
Logline: A corporate workaholic who seeks hypnosis to help him quit smoking subsequently finds himself compelled to dance every time he hears music.
3. Madden Curse
Studio: Electronic Arts
Logline: About a former Madden videogame champion who is forced to come out of retirement to defend his title against a younger player. The catch: His face appears on the corner of the new Madden video game, subjecting him to the Madden curse.
Studio: Paramount Pictures
Logline: Two unlikely prospective lifeguards vie for jobs alongside the buff bodies who patrol a beach in California. Directed by Jeremy Garelick (The Break-Up).
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Studio: Vertigo Entertainment
Logline: Bypasses the television show universe, and is based on the original movie, only with a new generation of vampire slayers. Joss Whedon has no connection to the reboot.