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Pajiba Time Capsule: The 10 Most Bangable Celebrities on the Planet, 2004 Edition

By Vivian Kane | Guides | July 28, 2014 |

By Vivian Kane | Guides | July 28, 2014 |

What a glorious day this is! In celebration of Pajiba’s 10th anniversary, and because we’re all suffering from Pajiba 10 withdrawl, we’ve decided to re-publish the very first ever Pajiba 10. Now, some of you may be under the impression the the first list didn’t happen until 2007. Well, you’re wrong. To prove it, we dug up the Pajiba Time Capsule, which is a totally real thing that exists, buried deep in the bowels of TK’s basement.

So here they are, the 10 most bangable celebrities of 2004. Some of them we still love, some make us cringe, but we have to own up to our sins of the past.

10. Martin Freeman - If you’ve ever worked a boring office job, you appreciate just how special a Tim is. Someone who gets your particular brand of sarcasm, shares your snarky sensibilities, and knows exactly who you are mentally eviscerating by the raise of your eyebrow. The Office may have ended, but Tim (and, by proxy Martin Freeman) will live forever in our hearts and our loins. And yes, there are rumors of an American version of the show coming sometime next year, but we can’t imagine anyone could live up to Freeman’s adorable smirky charm.
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9. Viggo Mortensen - This winter we’ll see the last installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and you all know what that means. No, not more pointlessly lengthy fight sequences. Well, actually yes, that too. But more importantly, the last glimpse we’ll get of scruffly, scraggly, oh-so-serious Aragorn. With the announcement of Viggo’s casting in next year’s A History of Violence, we’re glad the guy will be sticking around, in an equally violent, less Peter Jacksony way.

8. Lauren Ambrose - This girl is a serious web of contradictions. She’s Denise Fleming, the oddly sexy outcast we’d want to be trapped in a bathroom with. And she’s Chicklet, the most psychotic attendee of any beach party. Then she started showing up weekly in our living rooms as Claire in Six Feet Under, who may have started off as a troubled little sister, but has recently been…developing in ways that confuse our big sibling protective proclivities. This past season, as Claire “discovers” herself (and Mena Suvari) at art school, we find ourselves discovering some shameful feelings toward Lauren Ambrose.

7. James Franco - With the eyes of an abandoned puppy and the smile of a sexy,sexy angel, Daniel Desario was the freak and/or geek we wanted to get to super freaky all over. Now that he’s turned supervillain, we only hope that this shift from charming television character to major blockbuster actor isn’t the start of a long future of overexposure, eventually turning us against him with a venomous wrath. That probably won’t happen.

6. Portia de Rossi - Those legs. That hair. That wit. Portia de Rossi looked like she might disappear after her run as Tantalizingly Stern Lawyer on Ally McBeal, but if you’re not watching Arrested Development (WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING THIS SHOW?), you may have no idea how much more she’s capable of. And it is a lot.

5. Salma Hayek - Look, no one here is trying to defend Salma Hayek’s acting ability. Or her choice of roles. That would be foolish. She’s an odd mainstream choice for a group of misfits like us here, but we just can’t help ourselves. The woman is walking, talking, unabashed, unadulterated, straight-up sex personified. We have no complaints.

4. Jon Stewart - Jon Stewart really classes up this list, don’t you think? He’s smart as hell, looks amazing in a suit, and is changing the face of the modern news show. The guy is a sexy Walter Cronkite, a genius, biting journalist hiding in a Comedy Central parody.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Gyllenhaal is basically the epitome of Pajiban lust. She may not be conventionally bombshell-hot, but she is uniquely, weirdly beautiful, seems brilliant, and exudes cool. If you saw Secretary and she did shoot to the top of your freebies list, well, then there’s really nothing more to say, is there?
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2. Natalie Portman - Like Lauren Ambrose, Natalie Portman brings the shame and confusion to this list. It’s not easy reconciling her extreme gorgeousness with that little sister image. We may have fallen in not-at-all-sexual love with her through The Professional and Beautiful Girls, and we’ve watched her grow up these last few years through those godawful Star Wars movies, but it’s clear her best roles are yet to come. This year she’s set to star in a romantic quirky comedy with Zach Braff (J.D.!), and play a stripper in Mike Nichols’ Closer. After that, we expect to have a lot more confusion and shame to deal with.

1. Nathan Fillion - Firefly has been off the air for less than a year, so we’re well within the statute of limitations that we just made up. Plus, we’re all still holding out hope for a resurrection of the show, or better yet, a movie (don’t hold your breath).

Vivian Kane was surprised to find that GIFs existed in 2004, but apparently, according to this 100% real list she found, they did.