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Best Actors For The Job: The Ultimate Ghostbusters Anti SJW Cuck All Male Dreamcast

By Pajiba Staff | Ghostbusters | May 20, 2016 |

By Pajiba Staff | Ghostbusters | May 20, 2016 |

Everyone is super mad at the Ghostbusters movie. Were you aware?

Lots of people have remake fatigue, lots of people objectively don’t think it looks funny. That’s fine with me. That’s totally fair. You can objectively not like Kate McKinnon. I will never understand you or what makes you tick, but I recognize that these things happen.

The yellstorm comes in with people who hate the SJW all lady cast. Women have already taken over Star Wars, and now the cucks are coming for Ghostbusters.

I get it. More than any other ensemble, an angry man nerd can look at the screen and see himself in these three ghost busting schlubby dorks. And now, their franchise is in trouble because there is a Venkwoman where a Venkman used to be.

“Why can’t we just cast the best actors for a role?,” they’ll cry. And you know what, they’re right. They deserve a Ghostbusters with men, featuring the best male comedians working today putting proton packs on their backs.

And I’m here to give it to them. Of course, we can’t have a cast without a little story. So let’s set the scene, shall we?

It’s been like thirty years since the events of Ghostbusters because I agree, it’s weird that the new movie isn’t in continuity. No one gives a shit about them anymore except for a few diehard fans. There’s no need for them, because there’s no ghost stuff happening. But when a new generation discovers Terrible Ghost Things, they convince Ray and Peter to suit up and save the city.

They are immediately killed. Now, these new would-be Ghostbusters, through the guidance of their mentor Winston (who is reluctant to get involved after more or less being written out of history the first time around), have to bust ghosts! And they’re all dudes!

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Jordan Peele

An Associate Professor and paranormal researcher who was saved by the Ghostbusters as a kid, along with his best friend…

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Randall Park

…also a lifelong Ghostbusters fanboy. He and Peele discover a terrible menace with the help of their teaching assistant…

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Aziz Ansari

His optimism drives the trio to take up the mantle of the Ghostbusters, but there’s one problem: financing. Enter Aziz’s successful soap opera star cousin…

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Hasan Minhaj

…Who agrees to finance the operation as long as he gets to be a Ghostbuster. It’ll completely revamp his career. But this won’t be easy, because this lady is super anti Ghost Busting:

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Julia Louis Dreyfus

The Mayor of New York, because Ghostbusters need to have problems with the Mayor. And even if she comes around, there’s still the issue of this undefined stooge character that I haven’t created the details for yet played by…

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Michael Pena

Because that dude is rad. But things won’t be easy for the Ghostbusters at home, either, because their office manager and defacto boss will be Park’s on screen wife…

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Constance Wu

Because she’s amazing and the two of them have incredible comedic chemistry.

So there you go. All male Ghostbusters criteria covered, AND I’ve answered the standard anti-lady rallying cry of ‘best people for the roles with no damn agenda!’ I can’t think of three better actors to fit the ‘schlubby science nerd turned hero’ better than Peele, Park, and Ansari. All three have proven they’ve got the range and chops. Minhaj is hilarious, and his rise to stardom might as well happen with a proton pack on his back.

Since the lonely white guys are insisting that this is all about the best actors for the job, there can’t possibly be anything to complain about with this group, right? The world is changing, and even if this new Ghostbusters misses the mark, the default ‘best actor for the role’ isn’t going to look like a straight white guy much longer. They’re gonna look like Constance Wu. They’re gonna look like Minhaj. The best actors for the role are going to look like McCarthy, Jones, Wiig, and McKinnon.

Best uncross your streams, boys.

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