Hi, hello. If you’re not caught up on the final season of Game of Thrones, I’m going to encourage you to bookmark this sucker for later because we’re gonna pick up immediately where “The Bells” left off and dive straight into this sh*t. You’ve been warned.
As we barrel into the conclusion — which now includes a burnt to f*ck and back King’s Landing — it’s important to remember an excellent point that Genevieve made before season eight starting tear its last set of buttholes into Westeros: No one has a good claim to the Iron Throne, which I’m guessing is still salvageable? (I don’t know how metal works.) Anyway, that’s always been the appeal of the show: Literally anything can happen. Main characters could bite it in spectacular or mundane ways at any moment, and the rare victory almost always come with a steep price. It’s a bleak as sh*t world, which the characters often remind us smells like sh*t, and now it’s time for one of those characters to rule over said sh*t now that the previous sh*tlords are dead as sh*t.
But before we meet our remarkably still alive (for now) contenders, let me spell out the real winner even though she won’t be ruling over Westeros like a common Sansa.
Arya Stark: Before the last season even ends, Arya has established herself as the supreme badass of the Seven Kingdoms, and she’s already made it clear to Gendry that she’s not about to sit in a castle wife-ing some dick. (Which I’m guessing will hold true even if she fulfills the green eyes prophecy and adds a Dany notch to Needle’s belt.) Arya’s got things to do and motherf*ckers to stab. But let’s say Gendry knocked her up, she’ll be stopping by his place in nine months to drop off a baby that his ass needs to care of. She’ll visit every once in a while, maybe even bone, but don’t catch feelings, son. The only thing she’ll be the lady of is Death.
And now onto the background noise to Arya’s Murderworld.
The Predictable Outcomes (In order of likelihood)
Jon Snow: With each season, Game of Thrones has been less and less subtle about the fact that it’s building to the inevitable conclusion of, “Surprise, the lowly bastard will rise to be king! WhoOOOoaaa.” I mean, Christ, the penultimate episode had Jon heroically stop a goddamn rapist while Daenerys committed war crimes via dragon. Throw in the business with his true heritage (plus the trump card of having a dong) and Jon has all the trappings of being a proper king of Westeros. He’s a fierce warrior, he’s probably about to stop his tyrant aunt even though they used to bang, and he never break oaths unless his ex starts going Trogdor, which is understandable. On the flip side, Jon is kind of a blank slate. Pretty, but not a whole lot going on upstairs, and he tends to make stupid decisions with the same d*ck that will secure him the throne, which is practically in the job description at this point.
Sansa Stark: It sure as hell looks like there’s going to be a conflict between Jon and Dany especially with his kingly wang taking a hard pass on doing more incest, so that opens the door to a middle ground to emerge either through compromise or the Aunt/Nephew PornHub tab killing each other. As the Lady of the North, Sansa has showed shrewd leadership skills, but one might argue those skills are a little too shrewd. Her mentor was goddamn Littlefinger for f*ck’s sake, and we already watched Sansa play a dangerous little game by telling Tyrion that Jon is a Targaryen. Then again, she can’t be worse than Cersei, and God knows it’d be nice to see a competent, safe, and refreshingly boring woman rise to power for once. Pour that kind of escapism into my veins.
Daenerys Targaryen: Apparently, Dany has gone “mad” now even though she seems to have a fantastically firm grip on reality, particularly all the ways she’s been screwed by the people she trusts, but at the end of the day, she is seizing power through totally legitimate means in Westeros: Conquest. Granted, Dany was the one steering the dragon, she did make it clear that she’d lay the destruction of King’s Landing at Cersei’s feet. (And to be clear, Cersei was all about using human shields.) So there’s a good chance that the show ends with Dany’s rule being very open-ended. Does she continue to raze the rest of Westeros to further secure her reign, or does she settle with purifying King’s Landing and getting to work destroying the wheel even though everyone hates her for all the genocide? It’s a toss-up.
The Predictable Curveball
Tyrion Lannister: Since at least what, season five? Tyrion has been some weak sauce. Gone is the calculating, conniving imp with the heart of gold, and in his place is a character who’s on the verge of tears almost every single episode because he thought a war between his ruthless sister and a rightfully angry young queen with dragons would somehow end with minimal bloodshed. I mean, one of them blew up a goddamn church with her daughter-in-law inside, and the other has also shown a strong penchant for fiery death, which definitely manifested itself. But at the end of all of this, if Tyrion reveals he played Dany to take the Iron Throne for himself, c’mon. There’s a plot twist, and then there’s… whatever the hell this would be. Granted, it’d be unpredictable in that true Game of Thrones fashion, but yeah, I dunno.
The Wild Cards (No particular order)
F*cking Bran: I don’t know who the hell has been watching this show and thinking, “Hey, you’d know who’d be a great king? The creepy kid in the wheelchair who barely talks except to say something creepy.” But I’ve honestly seen people floating the suggestion that Bran should sit on the Iron Throne because he’s the Three-Eyed Raven and would be wise or some sh*t. But, no, stop. You’re talking about a character who’s going to grab the wrong tree one day, see his parents bone to make him, and wheel himself off a cliff. Or he’s going to tool around telling women they looked beautiful on the day they were raped — LIKE HE DID TO HIS OWN DAMN SISTER. F*ck Bran.
Samwell Tarly: If people want a wise king to rule Westeros, how about one who’s not a weird little creeper and addicted to tree-groping? Not to mention, Samwell is already making sure there’s a new generation of Tarleys, which means there’s a very high likelihood he’ll name one of them the absolute best name in Game of Thrones: Dickon. Hahahaha, penis.
Bronn: Hey, if Dany can take the Iron Throne by force, then Bronn can sure as sh*t fire an arrow through whoever’s sitting on it when everything shakes out.
THEM: “What’s your claim to the throne?”
BRONN: “I shot the last c*nt with a crossbow.”
THEM: “That is how our government works. Enjoy your stay!”
The Right and Best Choice (That Will Never Happen)
Brienne of Tarth: A fierce, noble warrior whose word is her bond. As ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, King Brienne and her partner Tormund would usher forth a new era of peace and prosperity to Westeros. Their love would be an unconventional affair as the King rides off into battle while the Lord of the Wildlings spends his days tending to their ginormous offspring and fermenting breast milk from giants, which have returned in full force. There is no anger or jealousy as Tormund personally sees to the milking for the foundation of their relationship, and their reign, would have one simple rule: “F*ck tradition.” Theirs would be a glorious legacy known as “The Gilded Giant’s Teat Age” and it’s literally the only outcome I will accept or screw petitions. I will burn HBO to the ground.
After The Righteous Gemstones airs. Sh*t, did you see that trailer?