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Who Gives the Best Moustache Rides in 'Game of Thrones' (and Answers to Other Important Questions)

By Lord Castleton | Game of Thrones | June 24, 2016 |

By Lord Castleton | Game of Thrones | June 24, 2016 |

I know that many of you have visited the poll results from last weekend’s Game of Thrones Poll, but I thought I’d take a few minutes to walk you through the answers myself, like when you go to a rinky-dink little out of the way museum and you expect to just stroll through at your own pace and they’re like “use this link to get to our walking tour” and you think well, golly! I didn’t realize they had this level of technology!

Well we do. And I’m it.

Question 1: What is Daenerys’ Best Trick?

We come out of the gate with a big one. This is a character that we’ve seen rise from a terrified high school freshman to an imposing governess of death. Her story, unlike anyone else’s, feels like it has a gravitational epicenter. Unlike all of the other characters, who are usually corks bobbing on the ocean, she is the ocean. There is everyone in Westeros and there is her. That’s how the show has been divided, more or less. So what makes this dragoness so great? What skills make her succeed? What is the fletching of this particular arrow? (I said FLETCHING, not FELCHING, you twisted bastards.) Well, let’s see what you thought:

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The winner, with just under 49% of the vote, was “Burning herself alive inside of something and then walking out.” Second place was “Yelling in Valyrian” though I’m sure she’s being given credit there for how well she yells in Dothraki as well. Third was “Listing her titles like a bauce.” Even though I’m the one that typed it, that still always looks like “listing her titties like a bauce.” Ahhh, titties. The idle, contented, victorious titties of Game of Thrones, gently listing to the side.

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I love how the origin is unknown, but we all know it had something to do with either 1) a ship 2) boobs, or 3) boobs on a ship. I think that’s something we all know. As far as Dany’s best trick, “Making Water” came in last, followed closely by “Civics.” One little known fact is that she lists her titles in her head whenever she makes water. That’s why she has them on blast when she needs them. She practices while she makes the water. She has no idea what Civics is, obviously. So with all of this attention, all of these considerable skills- is she, as sultry Israeli Red Woman Kinvara thinks, the Prince that was Promised?

Question 2: Who is the Prince that was Promised?

Yeeeeeeeeeeah…it’s not Daenerys. According to you guys, anyway.

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More than half of you chose Jon Snow. You’re the Melisandres of the gang, and that was before this:

So Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen has conquered what…basically from Quarth to Meereen? Most of a continent that’s double the size of Westeros and yet Pajiba’s pick is a bastard with no claim to any lands, who invents cunnilingis in an ice cave? That’s what we’re going with? And the Mother of Drogons isn’t even the #2 pick! THE NUMBER TWO PICK IS A DUDE WHO’S BEEN IN A ROWBOAT FOR FOUR SEASONS. Ohohohohohokay! Where the hell am I? Let me just check the URL…yep, it does say we’re still at Pajiba, America’s favorite feminist hug party. So where’s the love fo’ the ladies? Daenerys barely edged out Bruce Springsteen, who is barely even on the show. (He was the correct answer, by the way). Fifth place after Jon, Gendry, Dany, and The Boss? Brienne of Tarth, a sworn sword with almost no agency of her own, but she does have an Valyrian blade, so.

Question 3: Who has actually bled the most in Game of Thrones?

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Theon, you said. Specifically Reek. Hmmm. So this presupposes that Reek’s torment was so great that he cumulatively lost more blood than, say, Osha or Jon, who both bled out completely. Meryn Trant was covered with blood when Arya killed him. Old Nan was flayed. I never actually saw Wun Wun’s blood, but you can imagine that a small cut for him would gush several people’s worth of blood, volume-wise. In the end, the only answer we know is right is George’s will to write. Poor sumbitch. Can you imagine having your books come to life this way, and then messing with and altering characters you’ve spent a lifetime imagining? And then you’re supposed to write them the way you used to, before you knew how Jaime Lannister actually looked? Ugh. Must be awful.

(Apologies to those of you, who, like me, know that the ‘who’ cannot possibly be someone’s ‘will’. It’s certainly not the least elegant thing I’ve ever typed - but it irritates me as well. I was bouncing toddlers on both knees and cooking dinner at the time, so try to see your way to forgiveness.)

Incidentally, you don’t have all that much sympathy for old Mr. R.R. Martin. A huge percentage of you thought his R.R.’s were fakey-fake.

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His middle names are actually Raymond Richard. Ray Rich.

I was soooooo happy I got some people to guess Rance Rayder. They were like “Oh, well will you look at that! I bet that’s where Mance’s name came from!” This thought was of course said in the sing-songy Minnesotaspeak of everyone in Fargo. Rance Rayder! Hahahaha! Oh god that’s painful. Feel shame, Rance Rayder choosers. Shame! Ding-dong! Shame!

In the Tolkien poll, more than forty percent of the respondents correctly identified Tolkien’s middle RR’s as Ronald Reul. I have no idea how you guys knew that. That’s awesome.

Side note: four names? Pretentious or no? I don’t know. My kids all have three, but three is my favorite number, so it made sense. I know some kids with five. That seems like “hi! we’re indecisive parents!” Meet my son, Jared Blankenship Tungsten Phillopousis McReary!

I feel like you can’t have a name that long without desperately wishing you could have a “The Third” at the end of it. Then again, why am I being judgy? Who died and made me the king of all naming conventions? My name isn’t even real. I barely fucking exist. I’m the Jon Snow of knowing about names.

In the end, you can name your kids with as many names as you want, and they’re all great. #allnamesmatter

But three is the greaterest choice. I think we can all agree on that.

Question 4: Who gives the best mustache ride in all the land?

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You said Tormund. Decisively. But wasn’t Ygritte surprised when Jon did it? Wasn’t it not a thing that was known North of the Wall? Anyway, he’s probably the best option, though I’ll bet Dreamy Daario gives one hell of a mustache ride - once, until he gets what he wants.

You know what’s kind of interesting - you guys love Tormund. I wonder if the not one but two scenes in ‘The Battle of the Bastards’ pointing out what a dummy he is will change that at all. But I doubt it. For example, in the question Who should make a baby? This is how the results came in:
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That’s 77% of the vote for Tormund and Brienne. Though #2 was Jaime and Brienne. People really want Virginity Poster Child Brienne of Tarth to get her freak on. #3 was Jon and Dany. #4 was Jon and Margaery. But your love for Tormund shines on. Look at the next question.

Question 5: Who has the most turgid erection?

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Aaaaaaaaaand it’s “Tormund, when he’s within 14 feet of Brienne.” Something tells me he doesn’t even need to be that close. Obviously, the correct answer is Wun Wun, every morning. Hi, literal giant morning missile, folks. Winner winner, chicken dinner. That didn’t even make the top five. #2 was HBO execs at the viewership numbers. #3 was Jorah whenever he says “Khaleeeeeshi” and fourth was Littlefinger when Sansa was wearing that Goth Raven outfit.

The Battle of the Bastards

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You guys couldn’t decide how you wanted Ramsay to die, but most of you chose “I’m usually a peaceful person, but honestly no death will satisfy me enough. He deserves a fate so awful I’m not capable of imagining it.” He ended up being the blue plate special for his own hounds, and while some people found it to be lazy writing, for the most part everyone was relieved to know that a cancer had been removed from the land and that Sansa was smiling as he screamed.

That’s right! I posted it! Get fucked, Ramsay Bolton! Goddamn psychopath!

Everyone knew exactly what the Knights of the Vale were going to do and it didn’t diminish the satisfaction at all.

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Personally, when I saw Davos in the crush, looking around feverishly, I would have been okay with an alien spaceship saving him. I wouldn’t have cared one bit. So, yes, we all knew the Rohirrim were riding and we were mostly okay with it.

You guys didn’t even want to hear about the possibility of Wun Wun dying last weekend, and I suspect that if you knew Ramsay himself would end him it would make people froth at their keyboards. That said, the VAST majority of you thought that the last of the Giants would wreck some shit. Some of you thought he’d annihilate everyone, killing more than 100 people. I think I saw one. I saw him pull one dude apart and snuff out a horse. Was there more?

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Mostly it seemed like Wun Wun’s job was to catch arrows. He was like, amazing at that. I’ll say this: he can break down the massive oak doors of Winterfell and Castle Black, but he can’t break apart a shield wall? Also, if I’m him, I pick up a few dead bodies and start hucking them at the shield wall. (He SHOULD have had a big sword or even an uprooted tree for that battle, but whatevs). In the end, he died next to Jon, and now we have more freed up CGI budget for the final fourteen episodes. Pour a big one out for our dead homie.

In a strange one, you (and me both) thought that Yara’s contingent of the Iron Fleet would hammer the Masters from the backside (phrasing) and thereby get in the good graces of Daenerys.

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I had a lot of options about how Yara and Theon would get into Dany’s sphere, like seduction and deceit and sneaking into the pyramid and also, possibly, Theon and Grey Worm bonding over not having a peener. But no. In my wildest dreams I didn’t imagine the way it actually played out: We just cut to them standing there. Worst gambit ever. Ah, well. Maybe Yara’s seduction will be a bonus for season 7.

As far as Ursa Minor surviving the battle? You wanted her to have plot armor. But tied for #2 was bear strength and making copies of herself. Interesting choices. I would have absolutely gone with lightsaber myself. That’s not saying much, though, as I would always go with lightsaber in every situation in any category forever and ever amen.

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Let’s just all sigh and be thrilled she’s alive and know that the show will certainly have to account for her skyrocketing popularity next season.

What’s coming next…

More people felt like we’re not going to get to the Tower of Joy this season. But if we do, they think we’ll get the answer to R + L = J.

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You guys think Varys is going to either Dorne or King’s Landing

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And you think that we’ll either never know where Jorah is or he’s going to Valyria, but wherever he goes, he’s thinking of Khaleesi and touching his grey worm.

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You guys think Tommen is probably not long for this world and that he’ll be torched (presumably by his own mum). If not, you expect that he’ll either be sacrificed by the High Sparrow or die with Margaery on top of him, which, honestly, no matter your sexual affiliation, is pretty much the best possible way to go. She’s a fucking babe.

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You guys think that Jaqen is gone for good, that Samwell Tarly’s ultimate role will just be him being Jon’s buddy and that Jon’s tenure as Lord Commander was spotty and hard to quantify.

But this is perhaps the most telling answer of all.

Question 6: Based on EVERYTHING you know, who would make the best ruler of Westeros?”

Based on everything you know, we have a tie! A dead heat between a beloved character that George R.R. Martin has admitted is his favorite and a ten year old thunderbolt from an island in the North. They’re exactly the same height.

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I could pore over the results of this question all day, but here are some key takeaways:

— Not a single vote for Cersei Lannister. Not one. All of those Cersei fans out there and even they know she’s a spiteful wraith from hell.

— Brienne is #4. A person with no experience as a leader.

— There is nothing you guys think Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson can’t do. He’s #3 with a bullet.

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— TK pretty much doubles up Dustin. Are you people fucking INSANE?

Dustin would be like Robert’s reign, except that everyone would be ushered a daily dram of Baileys and social disobedience would be thought of as “very rock n’ roll.”

TK on the Iron Throne means daily beatings. Just like, line up and take your medicine, every day. He was born without the ability to recognize human emotion! (He’d say: ‘oh, no I recognize it, I just don’t care’). If you wanted to petition the king, you’d have to play Mass Effect 1, 2 and 3 and answer a series of questions about why you chose to save or exterminate the Rachni before he’d even consider seeing you. Actually, you learn more about ethics in those games than in a 12 year public school education, so maybe it’s not a bad idea. But trust me: you want TK as The Hand and Dustin in the chair. It’s better that way.

Lastly, on gods:

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You guys pretty much weighed in for the Old Gods, which is kind of great, and suggests more of a connection to the North. But more that that, when I listed the Red God and The Lord of Light one after the other, you chose “Those two are the same god, dummy” as the #1 answer. Ahhhhh.

You guys get me. You really, really get me.

If any of these answers were hard to read or you want to see the original polls, you can go here.

Final episode coming this Sunday. Final Show Watcher recap on Monday. Final Book Reader recap on Tuesday. Tears, curses, indignation, shout-fights and howling at the moon will commence immediately afterward and will last for nigh twelve months.

Final Thought

You guys think last week was amazing? I’m hearing through the grapevine — a grapevine that includes names like Benioff and Weiss, that this week’s episode is even better.

Even better. Um, holy shit, you guys.

Have a great weekend. See you on Monday!