We here at Pajiba have never shied away from our softer side. We love rom-coms and romantic movies that you maybe shouldn’t watch with your family, and even romance novels. We love love! But that doesn’t mean that we think love is all there is to do on Valentine’s Day. Love is great and all, but so it a good swift pickaxe through the skull!
So if you’re looking for the perfect thematically appropriate film that’ll have you cuddling up close out of fear and disgust, there really is only one best option: My Bloody Valentine 3D
Yes, yes. It’s a horror movie. Not only that — it’s a reboot of an older slasher flick. And it’s in 3D, an effect that will be lost on those of us with less technologically advanced entertainment systems. It sounds awful. And it is, sort of, mostly. But it’s also fun and disgusting, which are two descriptors that apply to even the best dates, if you’re lucky. Or maybe that’s just me …
Now, I will admit that I’m biased where this film is concerned — and not just because it stars a Winchester brother. I spent my most memorable Valentine’s Day ever sitting in a theater, watching this in all of it’s three dimensional glory when it was originally released. In fact, it was probably the first 3D movie I had ever seen, and the fact that I was there laughing and gasping with a friend on a wonderful single-lady date made it all the better.
(Random aside: The only downside to the experience was that we ended up in a row next to a couple who brought their young child — like, maybe 5 years old or so? — and obviously the kid was TERRIFIED. And I get it, wanting to have a date night and maybe not being able to afford or find a babysitter for the evening. But it was a 10pm showing of a movie filled with screams and gore, and all of it seemed sad and inappropriate. And distracting. But anyway.)
While films like Avatar may get a lot of credit when it comes to their 3D experience, I always prefer the way B movies play with the technology. They employ it with wild abandon and a sense of sheer joy, because after all — what better way to experience a horror flick than when the gore seems to just splash all over you? And this movie from 2009 is the perfect example. Right off the bat the killer (a miner, because the whole shebang is hearts-and-mineshafts themed) slams a pickaxe through the back of a teenage boys skull, popping his eye out.
Well, not all the way out. It’s stuck on the tip, and when I saw it in the theater with my 3D glasses on, the eyeball seemed to hover over my lap and drip on me. It was fucking incredible!
But even without that visual wizardry, I think the movie stands as a wonderful Valentine’s Day treat. I mean, Jensen Ackles is the star, for one thing. So if you’ve ever wanted to see Dean Winchester dress like Bobby and run AWAY from danger rather than towards it, this is your chance. And if you don’t watch Supernatural, ignore that last sentence.
Kerr Smith and Jaime King are also there, so you’re sure to watch it while trying to figure out where you know those faces from. But mostly, you’re going to get some great deaths. Explosions. Massacres. Multiple killing sprees across different years. Physical hearts in candy heart-shaped boxes, and other gloriously twisted ways to push that Valentine’s theme. And of course, a LOT more of the ol’ pickaxe. All that, plus infidelity, guilt, secrets, small town drama, and a solid twist ending that works on its own while still keeping fans of the original film guessing.
Whether you’re flying solo, got a hot date, or hanging with friends tonight, this is the perfect flick to mark the occasion — and it’s up on Hulu just to make things easy! Happy (Bloody) Valentine’s Day, everyone!