This Review Is 100 Percent Genuine. And Jeremy Piven Is Not a Douche

By Dustin Rowles | Film | August 14, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | August 14, 2009 |

(This review is a paid sponsorship. Go see The Goods: Live Hard, Sell hard, in theaters now!)

Two words and four letters for you: Ho Lee S * * T! As Sandie Newton from CBS/Dallas writes, The Goods is “laugh out loud funny.” If you liked The Hangover, get ready for The Goods. It will blow your motherfucking mind out the back of your head and leave you shitting in your seat. But The Goods is so awesome, you’ll have to sit and fester and wallow in your own feces so you don’t miss a single, rapid-fire joke. And they come at you fast, like non-fatal machine-gun fire into your temples. But you’ll be LOLing so hard, you’ll wish you were dead. I know I did!

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard comes from comic-engeniuses Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, the producers behind two of the best comedies of the aughts, Talledega Nights and Step Brothers. Like Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison productions (Grandma’s Boy, House Bunny, Paul Blart: Mall Cop), Ferrell and McKay have too much funny to keep to themselves, so they’ve gotten into the movie producing game and begun spreading their comic sensibility around like a Chuck and Larry semen firehose, which essentially makes Jeremy Piven the Allen Covert of the Ferrell/McKay world (it’s theirs; they’re just allowing us to live in it). The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard is the spawn of their comedic loins — a movie so funny, I split my pants’ seat and swallowed a testicle watching it (and still didn’t die!) This movie is every bit the comic masterpiece that Paul Blart was, only you can replace the belly-busting fat jokes with boner-inducing gay jokes and skin-bleaching racial humor! And if you can’t laugh at queers and Asians, who can you laugh at? (Also, there are awesome fat jokes in this movie, too!)

Jeremy Piven, who is not at all a douche, stars as Don “The Goods” Ready, a car selling mercenary, hired by struggling car dealerships to come in and boost sales on a short-term basis by using hilariously shady tricks and delivering inspirational speeches about how selling cars is like fighting great wars of independence. Freedom! Balls out! To assist him is a crack team of car selling veterans: Jibby Newsome (Ving Rhames), who has fucked thousands of women but never made love to one; the awesomely funny David Koechner (The Comebacks, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector), the number cruncher who eats his breakfast at a strip club (Hell yeah! Boobies!); and Kathryn Hahn, who plays Babs Merrick. She sells sex appeal and really wants to fuck a 10-year-old with a hormonal problem that makes him look like a 30-year-old man with a five o’clock shadow (Rob Riggle in a scene-stealing role). How’s that for funny, motherfucker?

The team is called in by Ben Selleck, played by James Brolin, who at 69 is clearly hitting the high point of his career, demonstrated early on when he uproariously sports a boner for Koechner’s character. Selleck is a closeted homosexual who spends much of the film trying to tap Koechner’s ass. His dealership, however, is on the verge of bankruptcy. His daughter, Ivy (Jordan Spiro) is married to Ed Helms’ geeky, Lance Bassian Paxton Harding, who has aims — along with his father (Alan Thicke) — of taking over the dealership and turning it into a rehearsal space for their “man band,” Big Ups, which at one time opened for O-Town (LOL!) To win the girl and stave off bankruptcy, Don Ready has to sell 210 cars over a three-day 4th of July weekend. He has hair on his balls. He sells cars. The end!

Let me just say this about The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard: All the amusing parts absolutely are not in the trailers. There’s so much else going on, like hot chicks who show their tits! And some side-splitting pedophilia humor! An awesome Will Ferrell cameo (his shit just cracks me up!). And lots of other really funny stuff I can’t remember. It’s really gritty humor! There are some jokes in the movie so good that they use them two or three times! But It is Jeremy Piven, who is not a douche at all, who steals the movie, turning in his best performance since he played that gay Versace salesman in Rush Hour 2 (hi-larious!). He’s balls out in your face funny! And his aggressiveness never, ever wears thin.

Seriously, if you’re 14-year-old boy, and you want to sneak into an R-Rated movie, The Goods is perfect for you. The jokes are Fast and Furious. It’s the hot-rod comedy of the summer. No cash for clunkers! This is freshly polished metal! Rev your funny bone. You will laugh you’re A$$ off. This movie closes the deal, delivers The Goods and then some! Go see it! Do it for America!

You can get more of the Goods at thisreviewiscompletebullshit.com !