Welcome to the real-time review of The Client List, on the Lifetime Network (starring Jennifer Love Hewitt). Or as I like to call it — Proof That God Is Dead. The next time I see Dustin, I’m hitting him in the nuts. With a shovel. I can’t believe I’m doing this… again. I don’t know how it came to be that I’m the one who gets stuck reviewing fucking Lifetime movies. I hate you all.
Alright. It’s 9:00. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… dying time’s here.
9:00 It starts with generic country music, a sign for Texas, and an American flag. I am so fucked. Holy ratdicks, J-Lo-Ho is doing a southern accent. Also? She just told her daughter that “life is gonna be easier if yer purty.” Then she talks to her mother (a heavily botoxed Cybill Shepherd) about women’s magazine sex tips, and complains about a broken nail. I already want to put my head through a window.
9:03 Uh oh — the Lo-Ho family is in financial straits — hubby has a bum knee (I know because they’ve already it said three times), and the bank manager is a jerk. J-Lo-Ho flashes cleavage to try and convince him to help. I’m not sure how people are going to end up shocked when she ends up hooking. She’s complaining about sub-prime loans — gosh, Lifetime is so topical!
9:07 My God, this movie is chock full of sexist stereotypes. Mrs. TK has described it as “some of the most fantastically one-dimensional stereotypes I’ve ever seen in my television-watching life.” She’s not incorrect. J-Lo-Ho and her friends (the Skinny Friend, the Blond Friend, and the Black Friend) just spent five minutes complaining about how men only want sex. I’ve never wanted to Human Centipede three people more.
9:09 Cybill Shepherd just said “I could eat a buttered monkey.” Hand to God. I have no riposte for that. Then she tells her grandchild that bees can smell fear. There is more happening here than I can process. It’s like redneck Mad-Libs on acid.
9:11 First day at her new job at the massage parlor, and she’s watching a client get a handy. Goldarnit, this movie moves fast. Oh, and now she’s driving and talking to her dashboard Jesus. That’s not a euphemism. SHE IS TALKING TO A DASHBOARD JESUS. I’m trying to make my TV explode with my mind.
9:18 No dice. Balls. J-Lo-Ho’s husband is drinking. I have decided to follow suit. Now they’re having a heart to heart. Apparently he’s the football hero and she was the prom queen, because the characters weren’t quite rote enough. She just tells him that “a girl this pretty ain’t supposed to be poor.” Man, they’ve really written a sympathetic character. I want to throw her into a volcano. Filled with knives.
Thank God. Commercial. That is not something I say… ever. Mrs. TK just tells me, “this is way awesomer than I could have imagined. It’s been 20 minutes and she’s already a hooker. Because… what other alternative does she have?”
9:25 We’re back, and it’s time to start selling ass. J-Lo-Ho’s boss/madame just said, “we’re like Dairy Queen, but not fattening.” Her hooker name is going to be Brandy. Or Brandi. They didn’t specify, and I’m losing my will to live.
Also, apparently all of the women there love their jobs (they all gigglingly tell her that “it’s better than waitressing”), except for Christian Hooker, who’s just a down-on-her luck gal. Ah, realism.
9:30 She’s giving her first trick marital advice, and then taking her clothes off. DIE. Oh, now she’s driving home, talking to dashboard Jesus, and… vomiting. This is a country song mixed with heroin withdrawal.
9:32 A moment of sadness — AT&T commercials featuring Nick Drake songs? Incredibly depressing.
9:35 She says that she takes her inspiration from Pretty Woman. And is looking for sympathy from a friend of hers (the Blond Friend). Also, I love that every woman in this movie is pretty, but complains about their husband. J-Lo-Ho, on the other hand, is apparently the prettiest, doesn’t complain about her husband, but is giving beejers on the side. Bitches, man.
9:38 Musical montage! Of J-Lo-Ho in slutty outfits and using whipped cream. Somehow, despite her being a very attractive woman, this is the least titillating thing I’ve seen in a long time. Including Calvaire. Now she’s in church. And one of her Johns is sitting behind her. Eek! Sacrilicious.
9:40 Hubby is upset about having her be the breadwinner. Because he’s a stone age douche-spigot. Whereas I’m perfectly happy with that arrangement This may come as a shock, but my wife’s job as a veterinarian pays more than Pajiba. Winner: Me.
9:49 J-Lo-Ho is spending a fortune on Christmas presents, and apparently no one is puzzled that her job as a masseuse affords them this kind of luxury. Because everyone in this movie is stupid and deserves to be drawn and quartered.
9:52 Christian Hooker has a crisis of faith, and J-Lo-Ho gives her Very Valuable Advice. Like… stop fucking dudes for money. Instead, Christian Hooker tells everyone who will listen in her new Christian halfway house about the whorehouse. I don’t quite know how that came to be.
9:54 J-Lo-Ho misses her kid’s football game. So… she’s a hooker who neglects her kids and lies to her family. Why am I supposed to find her sympathetic again? Here’s the thing, folks: You show me a movie about a prostitute who comes from a broken home and an abusive family, dealing with a violent pimp and disgusting, drooling tricks because she has no other options, and I’ll be sympathetic. This? Not so much.
Holy balls, the ads for the other Lifetime movies are like watching loved ones get skinned alive.
Also, a tiny black dog named Louise (aka The Weeze, aka Weezer Peezer) has just been released into the room and promptly leaps into my lap and commences snuggling aggressively. I must say that she, plus the alcohol, does make this experience not quite so torturous.
10:02 J-Lo-Ho falls asleep at the wheel, because, you know, she’s tired from all that hillbilly-fuckin’. The solution? Cocaine. I shit you not.
10:04 Her kid tells her that her school is raising money for an African country, and she tells her daughter that it’s Darfur. Which leads to this exchange:
Me: “Darfur’s not a country, dumbfuck.”
Mrs. TK: “They’re in Texas, dear.”
10:07 OK, so now we have a suburban, cocaine-abusing, family-neglecting whore (who just snapped at her kids and called her mother fat). Yeah, she’s mother of the year. Lifetime — We Know Women. Fortunately, she uses the cocaine to stay up all night and build a gingerbread house. That’s how we know she’s good people.
Two things I may not have mentioned yet. One — Jennifer Love Hewitt is an absolutely abysmal actor. It hurts me to think that there are struggling actors out there while this dead-eyed harpy makes millions. Two — I’d like to pistol-whip the shmaltz out of everyone at the Lifetime Network.
10:10 Oh, snap! Shit just got real. The fuzz! It’s a raid! ‘Bout time something happened in this pile of bile.
10:17 J-Lo-Ho just tried out a new facial expression. It looks like she’s pooping her garters. Also, hubby just saw her doing the perp walk on TV. Methinks his next ride on the new motorcycle is gonna feel a little less comfy.
Here comes the big confrontation. This would be better if they had swords.
10:20 They’re both in tears. Assholes. You people don’t know pain. I’m the one who’s had to sit through this shit-show. You’re getting paid for this bucket of crap. I hope you both get hit by a meteor.
Now J-Lo-Ho is sobbing and watching video of herself winning a beauty pageant. Ah, the good old days, when she could be sexually objectified and debased without having to gargle old man balls.
You know, this movie started out as a sort of so-bad-it’s-funny. Now it’s so bad that I want everyone to swallow battery acid. Everyone. Yes, you too. Not Dustin though. That’s too good for him. Fuckface.
10:30 J-Lo-Ho is being prompted to give up her clients by Black Friend, who is also her lawyer, but she doesn’t want to hurt them. Yes, that makes sense. Ruin your family and embarrass yourself, but hesitate to give up the guys you’ve been shtupping.
Also, the puppy is asleep. I envy her more than I’ve ever envied anyone.
10:33 She’s lamenting sleeping on the couch. Dumb shit, you fucked half the town and humiliated your husband. You’re lucky you’re not sleeping in the goddamn shed out back.
10:35 Apparently the whole goddamn world was frequenting the massage parlor/whorehouse. A town full of good Christians, I tell you. J-Lo-Ho tells her kids that her life has been very full because of them. Full of what? Baby batter?
Did I go too far on that one? Oh, eat a bag of dicks.
Mrs. TK: “She has two facial expressions. Crying, and before crying.”
Again — not incorrect.
10:42 “The List” has apparently been released, and there’s all sorts of important folk on it. And now we’re in court. J-Lo-Ho is going to the witness stand, I guess. Try not to suck any dicks on your way there.
She gets 30 days in jail. I’ve been watching this for 105 minutes and she gets 30 fucking days? That’s Lindsay Lohan time. Again, I’m supposed to be sympathetic? Fuck this movie.
Commercial: “One in four women misreads their pregnancy test.
Mrs. TK: “Then they shouldn’t be having kids.”
She’s a little snarky, but then again, the last two Pajiba-related movies we’ve watched together were this and Human Centipede. Again, I know how to show a girl a good time. Sorry ladies, I’m taken!
10:50 She’s talking with no one in the room. Not even dashboard Jesus. Uh oh, the local ladies are there and they’re pissed. She invites them in and makes them drinks. Aaaand now she’s giving a Very Emotional Speech about how she regrets being so used to using her looks to get what she wants. Seriously, is that the moral of this nightmare? Don’t try to get by on your looks? Lifetime and Betty Friedan, I swear. Peas in a motherfuckin’ pod.
But apparently they’re not angry that their husbands have been blowing the family earnings on cornholing J-Lo-Ho on a regular basis. Instead, the ladies want sexin’ tips!
FUUUUUUUCK THIS MOVIE. FUCK IT IN ITS EAR. I HOPE EVERYONE INVOLVED GETS THROWN INTO A TANK FULL OF RABID SHARKS. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUUUUCK.
I want to die.
10:55 Now we’re at Chuck E Cheese. It’s her birthday. Estranged Hubby shows up. They’re on the road to making up. Sure, you’ve been lying to me and you’ve taken every dude I know in every place air can get in, but you know what? Let’s get back together.
Fuck all of you.
TK writes about music and movies. He enjoys playing with dogs, raising the dead, and tacos. You can email him here.