Does My Vagina Make Me Look Fat?
Writer/director Bo Zenga (who also wrote the execrable Soul Plane) has finally hit the film spoof nadir — it can’t get worse than Stan Helsing, not without squeezing Zenga’s brains into his sphincter coil, pulling them out his rectum, and transplanting them into the empty head of a Macy’s mannequin and pounding its nose randomly on a keyboard until there is only a Rorschachian soup puddle of carrot and peanut-flecked screenplay vomit which is launched against a projector screen in a bolus of Zenga’s retardation. And even then, there’s a chance that an image of the Virgin Mary might emerge from the vomit puddle of day-old gastric remnants from Taco Bell, which would make it an Oscar contender compared to what’s on the screen in Stan Helsing.
“Does my vagina make me look fat?”
Not for nothing, but that’s the funniest line of Stan Helsing, which is like being the tallest halfling in the cast of Willow.
“Does my vagina make me look fat?”
Nevermind that it doesn’t make sense here; even in the context of the movie, it’s completely random. An attractive blond woman (Desi Lydic) — who has just switched jobs from exotic dancer to massage therapist (“No, they’re not the same. As a stripper, I took off my clothes for money. Now, I whack men off!”) walks out of a gas-station bathroom and delivers the line with bimbo aplomb to Steve Howey and Keenan Thompson, who respond by breaking out into an epileptic “ohmygod” dance, before Stan Helsing (Howey) states matter-of-factly, “I can’t even see your vagina. I wish I could,” to which the bimbette retorts, “That is so sweet.”
And there you go, folks. The high point of Stan Helsing, which follows four people [the above aforementioned and Diora Baird (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, whose claim to fame, according to iMDB is the fact that she’s a 32DD) who get lost on the way to a Halloween party. Meanwhile, because of his apparent resemblance to the actual Van Helsing, Stan is confused with the former. As a result, the foursome is chased down by actors literally dressed in Freddy, Jason, and Leatherface costumes they probably bought from a costume discount store, the week after Halloween. After running over a dog, having an unfortunate encounter with Leslie Nielson dressed in drag at a karaoke bar (because Nielson, apparently, gives all spoof movies instant credibility), witnessing a man dressed as a Chucky doll go down on a child in his car seat, inexplicably sniffing a payphone receiver, and spending some time at a vampire stripper club, Stan attempts to vanquish the monsters in a karaoke-off that features a parody version of “YMCA.” (“We’re here to kill S-T-A-N.”) before (*spoiler*) spraying them with ketchup and feeding them to a dog.
Nothing in Stan Helsing makes sense, and there’s not a single note of amusement, but what could really you expect from a spoof comedy bad enough to go straight to DVD (given how low the theatrical bar has already been set with the Friedberg/Seltzer parodies)? It’s the rare spoof movie that doesn’t actually reference other genre movies, so much as it just occasionally name checks them, as if fearing they might alienate their audience by expecting them to have seen the movies they are “spoofing.” Indeed, Stan Helsing is a rabbit-hole parody that mines what’s barely left after four Scary Movie films, which is apparently only the line, “Does my vagina make me look fat?”