Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Dustin Rowles | Film | September 5, 2025
1. The Conjuring (2013) — I f**king loved this movie! This is the one that started them all! Remember that really loud piano banging music and when Patrick Wilson’s character went into the astral plane to rescue his son … wait, sh*t. That was the first Insidious. What happened in the first The Conjuring again? There was an exorcism in the cellar of a farmhouse, I think. Right? I don’t remember, but I really loved it. It was a blast! I’m pretty sure anyway. I missed Rose Byrne being in it.
2. Annabelle: Creation (2017) — What I remember most about the second Annabelle is that I actually liked it. I hated the first one and thought no one would bother with the sequel, but the first was so bad it set expectations low. This one ended up being fantastic by comparison. It was also a prequel—the origin story for the movie that sucked.
3. The Conjuring 2 (2016) — This is the one where they invited Lin Shaye into the universe! Wait, no. That was Insidious again. Dammit. This one was actually about Arne Johnson, who killed his landlord and claimed he was demonically possessed. He really used that defense in court, and the Warrens really did try to help him, but he lost. Both times. But in real life, the Warrens didn’t destroy that altar, which was badass! I called it the Fast & Furious of horror movies and I stand by it.
4. Annabelle Comes Home (2019) — Wait, there were three of these movies? Are we sure? That doesn’t sound right. We pretty much set that limit for creepy doll movies at 2, right M3GAN?
5. The Conjuring: The Last Rites (2025) — What happened in this one again? I just reviewed it like an hour ago. Oh yeah! It’s the one with the daughter who reminded me of Alison Lohman and the boyfriend who looked like Kurt Russell’s son if Kurt Russell’s son was less cool, which actually just makes him look like Bill Pullman’s son, Lewis. (Sorry, Lewis!) There was definitely a mirror in this one, and the mirror kept knocking people down stairs. Mirrors should watch where they’re going.
6. The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021) — Four years ago? During the pandemic? Who can remember? This is the one where the devil made him do it! Wait, damnit! The plot of this one I described as the plot of The Conjuring 2, which was actually about the Enfield poltergeist! It was a lot better than this one, about the dude who killed his landlord. (Ignore my plot description for #2, but maintain the sentiment). But be honest: How many of you actually recognized that I mixed up the plots?
7. The Nun II (2018) — The crazy thing is, The Nun II, like Annabelle 2, was much better than the first one. Only in this case, it still wasn’t that great. Spin-offs are like marriages: You need a starter marriage to ensure a successful second marriage!
8. Annabelle (2014) — Absolute dogsh*t movie. Straight-up terrible. It should’ve ended the entire Conjuring universe. How do you mess up a porcelain doll movie? True story: Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate and I once checked out a property to potentially buy that had super bad vibes and we figured out why when we walked into a room that was wall-to-wall porcelain dolls. We got the hell out of there. What kind of real estate agent doesn’t tell their client to HIDE THE DOLLS.
9. The Curse of La Llorona (2019) — Wait, what? What even is this movie? Linda Cardellini was in it? Really? I don’t think I saw this one. Or maybe I did. Oh yeah, it was about The Weeping Woman! I do remember her! Great concept. Terrible movie.
10. The Nun (2023) — The spin-off of the prequel to the first spin-off—it’s kind of a prequel to The Conjuring simply by virtue of being first in the timeline. I know I saw it because I remember what a waste it was to have Taissa Farmiga in it as a nun instead of in another Conjuring movie playing the daughter of her own mother. Like, Taissa Farmiga could’ve been in The Conjuring: Last Rites! What a missed opportunity. Also, an epically dull film. It didn’t even have the decency to suck in a train-wrecky way. Where is Taissa Farmiga these days, anyway? Oh yeah! The Gilded Age. Weird.
That’s it. That’s all of them. Remembered with crystal-clear recollection. You’ve been film-schooled!
