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'Avengers: Infinity War' is Actually a Parable About The Evils of Abortion, My Column...

By Mike Redmond | Film | January 18, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Film | January 18, 2019 |


“I’m here to chew bubblegum and do abortions, and I’m all out of bubblegum…”

Because we continue to dwell in a butthole timeline, where most of society would still prefer not to call out the anti-women shitshow known as Evangelical Christianity or else “we’re attacking people for their religion” — You also get extra protection if you’re in a major motion-picture franchise. — the March for Life is happening in Washington D.C. today and with the support of a major political party in America.

Sure, there are mass shootings happening left and right, people are dying from lack of health care coverage, and children are having the life choked out of them in baby prisons because our president is a sentient racist Big Mac. But did you know that sometimes women make a responsible and difficult decision not to bring a baby that they can’t afford and/or properly care for into the world? Holy shit, right? Someone should clearly commandeer these wenches’ bodies.

Fortunately, white morons are here to help, like these two galaxy-brain champions of the unborn.

Granted, there’s a chance these two are joking around, but the levels of brain-melting earnestness at this thing are high.

Por ejemplo:

“That’s right. We wouldn’t murder Baby Hilter, but we would deny him access to basic medical care thus killing him like a common poor. We’re not total monsters.”

Anyway, swinging back to the Marvel chuds, let’s take their horseshit at face value.

Thanos is an abortionist. I mean, the guy does use a magic space glove to indiscriminately erase half of all life in the universe. Which is exactly like an abortion doctor and why Thanos should be killed by The Avengers at their earliest convenience. If you ask me, the whole thing was a little too on-the-nose, and the Russo Brothers probably could’ve been a bit more subtle. They might as well have written “Planned Parenthood” across Murder Grimace’s chest.

“We don’t trade lives.” Now’s when my inability to not be a giant dork overrides my love of snark. These idiots couldn’t have picked a dumber line, because here’s exactly what happens in Infinity War. (Spoilers, btw.)

As Thanos’s forces prepare to attack Wakanda, Vision implores The Avengers to quickly destroy the Mind Stone, which would essentially kill him but prevent the stone from falling into Thanos’s hands. Captain America shuts this suggestion down and says, “We don’t trade lives.”

He then proceeds to trade hundreds of Wakandan lives as they die protecting a robot that Scarlett Witch bangs.

I don’t care if that line is inevitably said in the moments before Steve and/or Tony emotionally bite it in Avengers: Endgame, those words will forever be absolutely ridiculous in context. Which is why it’s goddamn hilarious that Peak Mayo Boys used it for their anti-abortion protest, because the person who said it almost immediately turned around and traded a metric butt-ton of lives. Cap chose, son.

On that note, take it away, Twitter.

And my personal favorite:

'A Million Little Things' Recap, Ep. 11: Rutledge and Barbara Morgan Come Into Focus | F*ck You, Chocolate

Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Marvel