It’s been abundantly clear for a while now that there’s an embarrassing paucity of original ideas coming out of Hollywood. Just last week I heard that Dreamworks is making a movie based on those old View Master toys, which from a plotting standpoint, makes a movie like Rampage (based on an 8-bit video game) seem as hard to follow as trying to watch Zardoz on acid. So it’s no surprise that, according to Variety, Hello Kitty is going to be making her big screen debut, courtesy of New Line Cinema, Sanrio, and Flynn Picture Co. (the folks behind Rampage, natch). Apparently, the overachieving executives over at New Line spent the last 5-years courting Sanrio for the rights to make a movie about a mute “cat” whose only defining character traits are that she’s cute and her poop smells like strawberry-scented erasers.
I don’t personally have anything against Hello Kitty. I was a fan from the approximate ages of 7-10 (how do you think I know what her ass smells like?), but I don’t have high hopes for a movie based on those vacuous, beady little eyes. She’s fucking creepy. And she doesn’t even have a mouth! Hello Kitty is antiquated, and honestly, kind of a basic bitch. Thankfully, Sanrio founder/CEO Shintaro Tsuj says there will be space for other popular Sanrio characters in the film. As such, I am here to offer a humble plea to the filmmaker: Ditch the pussy and get with the nihilistic, non-binary, lazy egg with the perky butt cheeks. Make Gudetama the star!
If you’ve never met it, Gudetama is a relatively new Sanrio character, who was hatched after the company held a contest in 2013 asking for ideas for a new food-based character. According to Vox, the egg came in second to a “cheerful salmon filet named Kirimichan.” However, Sanrio decided to go ahead and launch both characters and Gudetama became wildly popular.
That’s probably because Gudetama is relatable as fuck.
Gudetama can talk (in short sentences), move (more like wiggle), emote (only pain), and breathe (particularly when it sleeps). Though it can do these things and has the potential for more, it would rather not. Each new day is one more chance for Gudetama to experience life on the lowest setting, and its ultimate pleasure is in doing nothing.
I mean, #goals, amiright?
It’s also really “kawaii” (cute) in an endearingly perverse way. I mean, just look at it!
Gudetama is so popular that it even has its own animated web series.
And the toys, so many toys.
If people are going to be so lazy as to mine the depths of the Sanrio vault for movie ideas, the least they can do is pay proper respect to the laziest Sanrio character of them all, and make it the star. Wouldn’t you rather sit under a blanket of bacon (its favorite) and watch paint dry with Gudetama than spend one single solitary moment trying to figure out what Hello Kitty’s “deal” is? I know I would.
Header Image Source: Sanrio via YouTube