Netflix's 'Incoming' Is a Disgraceful Insult to Generation Alpha

By Dustin Rowles | Film | September 4, 2024 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | September 4, 2024 |

I am not going to namecheck all the teen movies I grew up on because most of them aged poorly and they also date me, but I will say this: There was something a little thrilling about sneaking downstairs during sleepovers after parents went to bed and watching an R-Rated teen comedy that most parents would disapprove of. Most generations had a few of these, whether they’re Porky’s movies, Superbad, or American Pie.

If I heard my twelve-year-olds sneaking downstairs to watch Netflix’s R-rated teen comedy Incoming, I’d just roll my eyes and go back to sleep. These poor Gen Alpha kids and their lame-ass Netflix movies. No wonder they’re spending so much time on TikTok: Hollywood is letting them down! This is why all my kids’ favorite movies came out before they were born: This generation has nothing for them except algorithm slop.

Incoming is like someone fed Superbad, Can’t Hardly Wait, and the Farmer Ted storyline from Sixteen Candles, and the older brother storyline in Weird Science (RIP Bill Paxton) into ChatGPT and said, “Combine the elements of these films into a 2024 teen movie but make sure it has no soul.” Honestly, this shit is embarrassing, and I can’t believe it comes from Dave and John Chernin, the guys behind The Mick, who cut their teeth on It’s Always Sunny (it’s clear it’s from The Mick guys at the outset, because there are at least three cameos from that beloved, canceled-too-soon sitcom, including Kaitlin Olson and Scott MacArthur).

The details: There are four kids entering high school. There’s the Cusack, the Douchebag Try Hard, the Wyatt, and the McLovin. The Cusack (Mason Thames) is in love with a sophomore Love-Hewitt (Isabella Ferreira), and snags an invite to the party of the Douchebag’s older brother, but the Wyatt and the McLovin aren’t invited.

Those two have their own separate storyline where they steal the car of the McLovin’s step-dad (oh, Ferris Bueller!), and are mistaken for an Uber by a super hot female Farmer Ted, who makes them go to Taco Bell and then shits all over herself and the car. They get to be heroes because they clean her up, don’t try to take advantage of her, and don’t tell anyone.

Meanwhile, Douchebag (Raphael Alejandro) uses his home security cameras to try and trick a random partygoer into sleeping with him by locking her into the hot tub room, but that goes awry and he ends up in the hospital with the Cusack’s sister, who broke her nose (basically, the Charlie Sheen/Jennifer Grey storyline in Bueller). The Cusack, who looks more like a Chalamet, makes all the wrong moves and still ends up with the girl. Oh, and Bobby Cannavale plays the cool science teacher who shows up to the party and downs a couple of shots and smokes a J, which I’m pretty sure steals from Mark Harmon’s Summer School.

It’s the cinematic equivalent of swamp ass. It’s a movie so thoroughly bland and mediocre that the zing of Miracle Whip could crush it. It is like an AI version of a teenage Sam Worthington — devoid of personality or charm. It’s paste, and not even the good kind you can sniff to get high. It’s the teen movie equivalent of having your parents walk 20 feet behind you on your way to school. It is garbage, but not even garbage that’s rotten and stinky — it’s garbage that’s been thoroughly washed and sanitized, so as not to dirty the rest of the landfill.

Our kids deserve better, not a fucking teen-movie focus-tested by Moms for Liberty. Incoming is a disgrace.