Today’s holiday liveblog is my mom’s favorite Christmas movie and I’m about to shit all over it like the terrible daughter I am. Sorry, mom. YOU’RE WELCOME THE REST OF YOU.
1:02 - This movie opens with a class of children singing Christmas songs and our little star singing really really annoyingly loud so we know that she’s annoying, as well as Johnny Galecki telling her to shut up because he’s annoying too, but what it really is is a parade of the worst haircuts in all of history. Jesus christ, what Flowbee died here and haunted the entire cast?
4:14 - Like sure yes the kid sings CRAZY loud but why are we curb stomping her Christmas spirit? Her mom is gone and her surly-ass dad didn’t come to her Christmas play. LET HER BE TERRIBLE AT SINGING. IT IS CHRISTMAS.
5:48 - Jurassic Park girl is the shittiest friend, just shutting down her naive child of a friend constantly. That said, I don’t know how sweet I’d be if my friend was screaming reindeer names and almost getting hit by cars.
7:35 - Sam Elliott’s level of surliness in this movie is MAXIMUM SURLY. He communicates solely in a series of irritated grunts and emotionless hate grunts and talk of apple butter (seriously there’s this weird extended Bubba-from-Forrest Gump bit just listing apple-based foods).
9:25 - Her brother sucks too. EVERYONE SUCKS IN THIS MOVIE. The only likable person is this little girl who is frankly ENTIRELY TOO MUCH but she’s all we’ve got.
9:57 - Sam Elliott is now bringing us dinner table surly. And the shitty brother is bringing dinner table angst and ear cuffs. It’s all just a lot.
11:23 - Little girl is having a tiny tea party with a picture of her dead mother and oh dear god my heart. MY HEART. SOMEONE BE NICE TO HER PLEASE.
11:55 - Instead of that we just get more Sam Elliott grunts. He just grunted “I KNOW” in such a rumbly way I actually felt the couch shake.
14:03 - Cloris Leachman is serving be-caped child-loathing witch lady REALNESS and it’s my future aesthetic.
15:32 - So, essentially, the premise of this movie is that a fake wooden decoration reindeer broke and since it was in the Prancer spot in order, because apparently the Clement Clarke Moore poem lists them in actual order of sleigh placement, so when she finds a reindeer int the woods, it must also be Prancer. This would be perfect kid logic but it’s bad movie logic.
18:28 - Jesus, this movie is made entirely of mullets and annoyance.
19:40 - Look this is a very sad moment where a little girl has to confront the idea of there being no God or heaven meaning her mother is just in the ground. Very sad. But she walks away like this and I’m sorry but that’s kind of hilarious. She’s so Extra she’s practically a stick of gum.
20:45 - Jurassic Park girl follows this up by apologizing and then saying “welp gotta go hang out with my living mom” basically and it’s like READ THE ROOM.
22:23 - Sam Elliott is either grunting or yelling. He is pure SURL.
24:07 - IN SAM ELLIOTT’S DEFENSE this would be a very difficult child to adequately parent when you’re the world’s surliest farmer type. She’s just running around the woods at night looking for magic reindeer, busting up Cloris Leachman’s witch lady flower beds, she’s just a lot of work.
31:44 - *googles “can reindeer eat sugar cookies” just in case she’s actually slowly murdering this injured animal*
33:22 - A lot of this movie involves looking at the bleeding open wound on a reindeer’s leg. More than most films.
34:12 - I mean a child shouldn’t have to prove her worth to remain in her house, but if your dad just told you you might be sent off to live with Aunt Sarah, like, maybe don’t forget to do the dishes.
36:26 - Abe Vigoda is here and he is OVER IT.
37:24 - This movie is like 95% a child’s incredulity at adults’ heartlessness. That and mullets. And Abe Vigoda being over it.
40:15 - And Sam Elliott screaming/grunting at a child.
41:22 - As cunning disguises go, this kid is crushing it.
46:55 - The brother is SUCH a piece of shit. I hope Prancer kicks him.
48:21 - This has literally been a three-minute scene of this brother being a dickbutt. Like we get it movie, you’re annoying and everyone in this movie is awful but this is EXCESS.
52:00 - I’ve seen this many times, I know Cloris Leachman turns out to be nice, but that shot of her locking the door behind Little Annoying Girl and following her in the dark is TERRIFYING. Like she’s just having her clean up her hoarder-ass piano room, not cooking her into a gingerbread house.
54:33 - Like me, Cloris Leachman also doesn’t care about the main character’s name and just calls her Little Girl. Samesies Cloris.
55:29 - People just dunk on this little girl with their own emotional baggage nonstop.
56:04 - Cloris Leachman just set a little girl up to her goddamn roof steeple to put up lights and paid her $15 for RISKING HER LIFE AND TINY LIMBS.
57:29 - Hey, Prancer, here’s the thing: your timing is TERRIBLE. Surly Dad Sam Elliott is already thisclose to sending Little Annoying Girl to her aunt’s house for the rest of her life so he doesn’t have to deal with her nonsense and she can’t just be COOL for a second because she’s tending to your behooved ass. Christmas movies have taught me that Santa is a real selfish prick and so are his dumb deer.
59:43 - Little Annoying Girl just went after Little Annoying Johnny Galecki with a machete and it’s the best part of the movie. This should just be a horror movie about a little girl taking machete vengeance on all who cross her.
1:00:28 - Sam Elliott in his longjohns is here to satisfy a very specific fetish.
1:02:20 - Sam Elliott just skipped the heartwarming op-ed about his daughter because he doesn’t read the heartwarming section of the newspaper, just the surly bits.
1:06:31 - SO. MUCH. TERRIBLE. HAIR.
1:09:26 - THE COW IS NAMED JANET. JANET THE COW.
1:10:31 - OK so Prancer is breaking every goddamn thing in this house meanwhile the entire town is just SHOWING UP at Sam Elliott’s house like they own the fucking place. I AM DEEPLY FRUSTRATED.
1:12:31 - And NOW we have to watch an animal suffer in captivity, being tormented by children. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, MOVIE?
1:16:47 - You know, this reindeer really fucked shit up for everyone. THANKS A FUCKING LOT, SANTA. Dick.
1:24:32 - Animals are better than people. I mean she ONLY fell out of the tree and broke herself because of Prancer so it’s DEF HIS FAULT but still. Aw.
1:28:10 - BANGS.
1:31:48 - No dad is too surly for Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus.
1:32:35 - THIS MOVIE IS SO ANNOYING BUT THEN IT OVERLOADS YOU WITH HEART AND FATHER-DAUGHTER BEAUTY AND DAMN YOU PRANCER YOU PRECIOUS SONOFABITCH.
1:34:44 - You know, the real annoying children, inconvenient reindeer and hideous mullets were the friends we made along the way.
1:35:35 - “Thanks Prancer, for everything.” And thanks Santa FOR FUCKING NOTHING. The END.