Yesterday, I wrote a review of The Righteous Gemstones. And while you might think that Christianity in America is one of the most controversial topics of our time, you’d be wrong because clearly the most incendiary subject of our day is the Justice League Snyder Cut. I’m probably going to die after this is published, so please let my children know I argued valiantly on the internet about Batman and Superman acting like giant dicks. My life wasn’t wasted.
To bring everyone up to speed, Justice League was a honking turd that should never have seen the light of day. The fact that it was a honking turd shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone because the film that preceded it — Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice — was a slightly less honking turd, but still a turd that honked nonetheless. In an ideal world, Justice League would’ve came and left theaters, and we’d all move forward with our lives. Clearly, that didn’t happen because it’s almost two years later, and we’re still talking about the weird-chin Superman movie like it’s the goddamn Kennedy assassination.
The problem is the troubled production became a hotbed for conspiracy theories after Zack Snyder exited the film due to a genuinely devastating family emergency. However, there are reports that Warner Bros. had already fired Snyder months before it was announced he left production, but the news was kept under wraps out of respect for his family tragedy, so we’re already looking at a situation full of subterfuge and possible PR cover-ups. To make matters worse, Warner Bros. brought in The Avengers director Joss Whedon to replace Snyder, which immediately triggered fans of Snyder’s vision for the DC Extended Universe. Not only was their architect gone, but someone from Marvel was stepping in? You can guess how angry tribal nerds took that news, and the situation went radioactive when Justice League finally dropped. There was no denying that the film was a shit show, but instead of accepting the fact that Hollywood has a long history of farting out tepid blockbusters, DCEU fans immediately latched onto a singular theory: Clearly, a better version of Justice League exists from before Whedon stepped in and “sabotaged” what was surely going to be masterpiece.
Hence, the myth of the Snyder Cut was born.
While anyone who knows how film production works has screamed from the rooftops that the likelihood of the Snyder Cut existing is slim to none, that didn’t stop DCEU stans from dropping tens of thousands of dollars just to get #ReleaseTheSnyderCut to trend during Comic-Con last month. It also doesn’t help that Snyder himself has developed a recent penchant for fanning the flames by confirming he has several cuts and that it’s up to Warner Bros. if they want to release them, which would require the studio spending even more money on a film that reportedly took a $100 million loss. I’m sure they’ll get right on that.
But just when cries for the Snyder Cut reach a dull roar and almost look like they’ll finally go away, it reminds everyone that it’s the herpes of the cinematic world. This time, we can thank Jason Momoa, who announced on Instagram that he’s seen the cut and it is “ssssiiicccckkkkkk.”
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Well let’s be honest if it wasn’t for this man we wouldn’t have Aquaman I love u Zachary synder. Mahalo for showing me the synder cut. Here is a token of my appreciation. Leica Q2 for inspiring me as an artist through and through @leicacamerausa I wish I was a better actor but I can’t lie. The Snyder cut is ssssiiicccckkkkkk #luckymesucksforu #q2 #leicaforlife @cruelfilms aloha j
The big question is what the hell did Momoa see? Because earlier in the month, Kevin Smith tried his hand at confirming the existence of the Snyder Cut, but in the process, he inadvertently confirmed what everyone has been saying for years. If the cut is somehow real, it’s an unfinished mess.
“There IS a Snyder cut. For sure. That’s not a mythical beast. It exists. Now, it’s not a finished movie by any stretch of the imagination. There were things that went away from the story that they shot that didn’t wind up going into (visual) effects or anything like that. So I would assume, based on what I’ve been told, that large sections of that Snyder Cut are, you know, pre-viz (with) a lot of green screen.”
“We’re not talking a finished movie,” he continued. “When people hear ‘Snyder Cut’ in their heads, they think about, like, a DVD they’ve seen of an extended cut or something that’s finished. The ‘Snyder Cut’ that, again I haven’t seen, but the one I’ve heard everyone speak of was never a finished film. It was a movie that people in production could watch and fill in the blanks. It was certainly not meant for mass consumption.”
Smith added that he believes audience can “handle that cut of the movie.” He continued, “I think there’s a common thought process, probably within the studio - and again, no studio has said this to me, but I would assume that they’re like, ‘We can’t show people this. Yes, there is a Snyder Cut, but no audience would be able to look at this and see what the director’s intent was.’ I disagree. That would seem like common wisdom because everyone always wants to put their best foot forward. But I think the audience now, particularly the audience that would consume the Snyder Cut and discuss it at great length, can watch a work print. They can watch a work-in-progress and fill in the blanks in their heads.”
To be clear, Smith is saying that the Snyder Cut is essentially a bunch of unfinished green screen footage that would make no damn sense in its current form. That’s not a director’s cut, folks. That’s the shit you slap in a behind-the-scenes DVD feature. As for filling in the “blanks in their heads,” has Kevin Smith been on the internet? Because here’s exactly what’s going to happen: Snyder fanboys are going to see this cut, and then it’s a thousand years of online hell because, obviously, these scenes would’ve been the second coming of Christ if they were finished. “Did you see the way Ezra Miller stared at that tennis ball on a stick? Pure art, and if anyone disagrees, we’ll make GamerGate look like Romper Room.”
But, hey, Aquaman says it’s sSsSSikiiCKCKkikKcKK, so what do I know?
Header Image Source: Getty