There comes a time when we must make a stand, once and for all, and debate such matters we once dared not. Today is that day, friends, and I hope you will wade into the murky waters of the abyss, and attempt to answer the question that has plagued us for generations: Is Gandalf hot?
No, I’m not talking about Sir Ian McKellen. I’m talking about the fictional character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, Gandalf. I’m talking about all of his iterations, across The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and yes, even the Silmarillion. Don’t act like you’ve never considered the possibility of getting down and dirty with the Grey Wizard himself (Mithrandir, if you’re nasty.) We both know you, I, and even your 2nd-grade teacher have considered whether or not the ancient Istari could get it.
So let’s break it down, shall we, and decide definitively if Gandalf is hot—because I cannot suffer another sleepless night without knowing.
He Has A Ring
Gandalf has one of the three rings given to the Elven lords, Narya, the ring of fire. Its abilities include:
…having the power to inspire others to resist tyranny, as well as (in common with the other Three Rings) hiding the wielder from remote observation (except by the wielder of the One) and giving resistance to the weariness of time.
So what you’re telling me is that Gandalf has a ring that will help me resist the bullshit happening in our political climate, and he’ll be able to resist “the weariness of time”?! Interesting.
He Fights Evil
Gandalf takes a stand and summarily fights evil. Whether it’s a fire-breathing dragon or a murderous demi-god that wants to control the entire world with a ring, he’s on it. There’s basically zero chance he’d turn out to be one of those shitty liberal guys who says he’s a feminist then tries to coerce you into sex, and then when you turn him down, calls you a whore. He’s gonna respect you, regardless of race, gender identification, or orientation; as long as you don’t stump for the orcs, sorry, I mean Republicans.
He Shows The F*ck Up When Needed
No one likes a flaky asshole who doesn’t show up when they say they will. Sure, he promised Frodo and the gang he’d meet them at the Prancing Pony Inn at Bree, but he was locked up in a tower by Saruman, so he was a little busy, ok? But you know what he did when he finally saw Frodo? He apologized, liked a decent person. He also made arrangements for Aragorn (Strider, as he was known then) to be there to help the hobbits out; so not only is he dependable, he’s smart enough to arrange a back-up if he thinks it’s needed. You know when Rohan was all but decimated at Helms Deep? Dude rode in on a white horse (Shadowfax, the lord of all horses) with the Rohirrim to literally save the day.
There is nothing hotter than a dependable dude who will fight to the death to keep you safe (when asked—as far as I know, Gandalf never fought a rando at the Prancing Pony because he looked at him funny.)
He’s Cool With the Eagles
Anyone cool with the eagles is someone at the very least you want to know. How many times did the eagles save Gandalf and friends from jams? I’ll tell you, because I looked it up: 5. The eagles saved his ass 5 times across multiple books by swooping in and messing stuff up. So not only is Gandalf a badass who will throw down, when things get too tough for him, he calls in air support?! Is there any question where the conclusion is headed?
Gandalf is hot. Super hot. Anyone who says anything otherwise is selling you something you don’t need.