Hey everybody! Exciting news! Pajiba has a genuine EXCLUSIVE to share with you all: the full, 100% accurate, spoilery plot details of the upcoming sure-to-be blockbuster hit we’ve all been waiting so anxiously to see! No, not Black Panther. The OTHER one. Here’s a hint…
Nice font. pic.twitter.com/mGkrrm0hZM— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) February 7, 2018
Ok, so that wasn’t so much a “hint” as a “reveal”… but now is not the time to quibble about “what words mean” or “whether that font is a clear ripoff.” Now is the time to dig deep into the glory of 7 Guardians of the Tomb! You might be wondering how we got such an enticing exclusive. After all, studios aren’t generally happy about having spoilers revealed before a film even reaches theaters. Then again, we all knew what the fate of the boat would be in Titanic and it still went on to earn a butt-ton of money. Sometimes a movie is so good, the story doesn’t matter. Or so bad the story doesn’t matter? Whatever — the point is, I definitely have not made these spoilers up in a fit of late afternoon boredom. No siree. And I certainly didn’t bother to research the plot based on reviews from territories where this epic Chinese-Australian co-production has already been released, because that would have required effort. In fact, the only reason I know that 7 Guardians of the Tomb is a Chinese-Australian co-production is because I read it on Wikipedia. Apparently it’s the biggest Chinese-Australian co-production ever! That took me exactly 1 minute of research, which frankly already feels like too much.
Instead, I used my instincts to glean the truth. And what I’m about to tell you is surely what you’re going to see in the movie when you watch it. Because of course you’ll watch it. And then you’ll be like “wow, Pajiba really GETS movies. We will trust them forever!”
The film stars Kelsey Grammer, Li Bingbing, and Kellan Lutz. According to IMDb, this is the official synopsis:
An innocent discovery of a well-preserved mummified Emperor from 200 BC China unearths a 2000 year old nightmare - a secret that should have remained buried.
And here’s the trailer, which really captures the brilliant acting, convincing SFX and not-at-all jarring voice editing I’m sure will be on display in the film:
Now that we’re all on the same page, are you ready for the SPOILERS?
So, as you can tell from the trailer, a dude gets lost in a mysterious tomb and his sister, Lara Croft, has to help Frasier find him. Inside the tomb there’s a terra cotta army, and deadly mutant spiders. But the spiders are actually mutated by the Philosopher’s Stone, which also happens to be an Infinity Stone — which is what Frasier has been after this whole time. By the way, Frasier is secretly Voldemort. Or rather, Voldemort is on the back of his head. His hair is a wig. Anyway, in the tomb they meet a Sparkling Vampire who has been transformed by the spider’s immortality venom, and Frasiermort is like “YES IT WORKS!” Then a bunch of Australian redshirts die because they all have arachnophobia. Only they die is mildly amusing ways, because Arachnophobia was a comedy (right? I was too scared to watch the whole thing so I dunno). Well, I say “a bunch” but there are actually exactly 7 of them — hence the title! This Chinese tomb is protected by an ancient order of undercover Aussie guardians all named “Hemsworth” and they’re all scared of spiders to prevent them from ever taking advantage of the tomb. In his death throws, one of the secret guards knocks over the statue soldiers, and they fall like dominos FORMING A PERFECT STARGATE.
Frasiermort tries to boil the spiders into a dietary supplement he can enjoy with a nice tossed salad, or maybe scrambled eggs, because he also suffers from arachnophobia and doesn’t want to get bitten. Meanwhile the Sparkling Vampire has fallen in love with Lara Croft because of the gentle way she raids tombs, but he knows he can’t leave with her because OMG he sparkles SO HARD YOU GUYS. So he spools up the Stargate and sacrifices himself by tackling Frasiermort into it. Only they didn’t know you have to encode the chevrons, so they wind up floating in space… until they slam into the windshield of the Milano. Rocket’s all like “WTF, we just cleaned Thor off that thing!” And then Star Lord is like “Frasier?”
SMASH CUT: “The Battle For Immortality Continues In Guardians Of The Galaxy’s Tomb: Vol. 3”
And yes, there’s totally a post credit sequence. It’s Lara Croft sharpening her pickaxe, but Alicia Vikander has a cameo so I’m sure it’ll get a big laugh from the fan boys.
7 Guardians of the Tomb will hit theaters on February 23rd. Well, they say “theaters” but really two would make it plural, so… what I’m saying is, expect the showing to sell out!