Just like you, I was one of the millions of people who opted to watch Aquaman over the Christmas period instead of staring at the walls in a darkened room like I usually do, to try to catch the shadow people in action. While I very much enjoyed the movie, what with the drum-playing octopus, it’s definitely a movie that leaves you wondering after it’s over. So, I decided to take it upon myself to fact-check Aquaman, and divulge some of its secrets along the way. Spoilers obviously follow, but if you’re the type of person to click on the title of an article that is “Fact Checking ‘Aquaman’ Plus Secrets Revealed” and sincerely don’t expect spoilers…well, friend, you kind of deserve what you get.
Is Nicole Kidman Really Ocean Royalty?
OK, so first off, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Aquaman is only about forty percent accurate in its depiction of the under-water world. Unfortunately that means that Nicole Kidman was merely playing a part, and wasn’t actually underseas royalty…but, if she were so inclined, there is a way for her to become the queen of the Atlantic. It just takes three trials of fortitude, and the wizard who overseas it hasn’t been seen since the late 1600s, so she has her work cut out for her there.
Can Octopuses Play Drums?
Yes, and I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t, do you?
They Called Aquaman Half-Breed a LOT. Wasn’t it a Missed Opportunity to Not Include Cher’s Song of the Same Name?
Friend, you don’t know the half of it. I, just like you, kept expecting that song to pop up in the movie, and yet it didn’t. I even went so far to start coming up with Aquaman-related lyrics for an updated song that Pitbull surely could have murdered:
“My father married an Atlantan Queen.
My mother’s people were ashamed of me.
The Fish-people said that I was man by law
The earth-dudes always called me “sashimi raw”
After I got that far, people started hissing at me to stop softly humming to myself, so I have to leave the rest of the song up to your imagination, friends.
Does the Earth’s Core Have Dinosaurs?
You know, I would love to dive deep into this.
Everyone wonders this at some point.
Sometimes though, you can’t go where the Illuminati won’t let you…
I Couldn’t Quite Place it, but the Plot of Aquaman Reminded me of One of Shakespeare’s Plays, do you Know Which One?
All of them. Obviously.
What’s with Willem Dafoe?
I dunno, but he certainly looked at home under the ocean, if you catch my drift.
Where Was Waterchap in All of This?
So, you can probably suss out that I don’t read the comics, but I am aware of the little-known British rip-off comic book “Waterchap” about a plucky British chap who hops from pond to pond, ensuring that villager’s tea temperature is within drinking distance. I kept hoping that he would show up, and yet, alas, he did not appear. Maybe he’ll pop in for the sequel, although Aquaman didn’t seem like the tea type.
So How Does the Government Under the Sea Really Work?
Great question, in case you didn’t know, I minored in underwater civics at the university I attended…in the alley behind the university other people attended. I can authoritatively tell you that Aquaman got this entirely wrong. Rather than a monarchy that must bend the fin to the one true heir, real Atlantis society functions as a representational democracy, complete with underwater elections, and term limits on how long representatives can serve. They did away with hereditary monarchy about 250 years ago.
Did the Pitbull Song Integrate into the Movie at All?
Look, I don’t know if they came to Pitbull and said “hey, we have a song taking place in the desert of Africa, can you see what you can do?” or Pitbull approached a bunch of productions with “hey I have a song about an ocean-traversing merperson, do you have a place for this in your movie?” all I know is that the more I think about how gloriously dumb that song is, the more I like it. To answer your question, yes. The song did integrate into the movie. Now whether that’s a good or bad thing remains to be seen.
Is There a Scene in the Credits?
Yes, but the movie was over 2 hours long and I had a large diet coke, so I had to go take care of business if you know what I mean, so I didn’t stay and watch. I did Google it though, and apparently Black Manta is alive, angry, and looking to cause a ruckus with Dr. Stephen Shin—the scientist shown on tv saying that the mer-people are revolting and he got laughed at by the other newscasters. I did not laugh at him, I nodded my head in agreement. We must never underestimate the bloodlust of our underwater brethren.
Is There Going to be a Sequel?
God I hope so. This movie was gloriously dumb, and I would welcome more opportunities to watch Dolph Lundgren glower in a seahorse.
Hey, Speaking of Dolph Lundren…
Yes, everyone knows the story of the theieves who broke into his house but fled once they realized it was Dolph’s home, and they didn’t want to come up against him in a fight.
Does Aquaman Mean That DC is Finally Able to Compete Against MCU?
I don’t know, I’m more or less focused on getting the sequel to Con Air made (which admittedly no one asked for but me, but I matter!) I’m sure you can find people to debate this with in the comments, though.
Well folks, there you have it. All the secrets of Aquaman revealed. Please share your experiences with the creatures of the deep in the comments, because I would like to compare notes.
Header Image Source: Getty