The Power of Christ Compels You Not to Click

Here’s a fun Pajiba exercise: I will give you three very bad trailers. We will see if your morbid curiosity gets the best of you or if you can successfully escape the page without clicking.

We’ll begin with KJ Apa. Here’s the guy best known for playing Archie on Riverdale who tried, unsuccessfully it appears, to develop an alternate musical identity as Mr. Fantasy, a Bee-Gees-like singer of weirdly catchy tunes, some gnarly teeth, and bad hair who made an appearance in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade to promote a music video, “Catapult,” that’s only been viewed 65,000 times in two weeks. At least five of those were from me. The transformation rivets me. I think it’s genius, and the Internet hates fun.

Alas, Mr. Fantasy is not going to be the next big thing for KJ Apa. But what about KJ Apa as … Jimmy Stewart? How can you not click? Let the awful wash over you. Jimmy tracks Jimmy Stewart’s decision to join the military and go to war. I don’t know what I think of the impression. It sounds like … Mr. Fantasy playing Jimmy Stewart. It’s so deliciously bad.

I am equally fascinated by the Andy Serkis-directed Animal Farm, based on a screenplay from Nicholas Stoller (The Muppet Movie) starring Serkis, Seth Rogen, Steve Buscemi, Glenn Close, Jim Parsons, Iman Vellani, and Kieran Culkin. That’s a great voice cast. Why did it end up at Angel Studios, mostly known for producing faith-based movies? Is there anything left of the fable about the rise of communism?

And finally, while we’re on the subject of talking animals … how about a live-action Hugh Jackman and Emma Thompson movie called Sheep Detectives about talking sheep who investigate a murder? Yes, we want Hollywood to produce more original movies, but not like this! Do not click.