Last night Twitter burst forth with gifs and giddiness when word broke that glorious Jeff Goldblum would reprise his role as sexy chaos theorist Ian Malcolm in Jurassic World 2.
Jeff Goldblum is in Jurassic World 2. YES. YESSSSSS. pic.twitter.com/z6SSnEB9MO— Rob Keyes (@rob_keyes) April 26, 2017
God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates Jeff Goldblum…— Last Exit To Nowhere (@LASTEXITshirts) April 26, 2017
Jeff Goldblum is back as Dr. Ian Malcolm for Jurassic World 2. pic.twitter.com/X22YsXZrwd
Indeed, Jurassic Park fans were so enamored with the promise of the return of the leather coat-wearing, melodic laugh-having, bare chest-heaving scientist that they lost all reason. Because this is not good news. Let’s break it down:
1. Jurassic World was a stupid, shitty, mean-spirited movie that woefully misunderstood the appeal of the original film. Any sequel is bad news.
2. The return of Jeff Goldblum to a role of sexy nerd hero does not guarantee a decades-later sequel will be any better. Have we already forgotten the lesson of Independence Day: Resurgence? Yes, Goldblum would be fun in Jurassic World 2, that’s a given. But it’ll still be 80% dreck to 20% Goldblum. I’d rather see him lounging in guyliner for Thor: Ragnarok, conquering new worlds of weird hotness in a movie actually worth watching!
3. Even the return of Ian Malcolm can’t make a Jurassic Park sequel good! Remember Lost World? Yeah. Exactly.
4. And the returning of our formative crushes rarely goes well. You might think you want them back. But then what do you get?
You get Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.
You get the death of Han Solo.
5. Basically, you got so preoccupied with whether you could put Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic World 2, you didn’t stop to think if you should. Because here’s an advance review of the movie that brings back sexist asshat Owen (Chris Pratt) and pitiable white-heeled career girl Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) then wedges in a beloved cultural icon to smooth over the all the rough spots:
Kristy Puchko would like you all to see the time Jeff Goldblum complimented her “neck affair.”