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air bud spikes back.jpeg

You Know, Hunting’s A Sport, Too

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 17, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 17, 2009 |

00:00:00: The final title once more comes from Genny, who’s probably not even near a computer to appreciate the commitment she’s fulfilled. The Air Bud project was requested by Marra Alane, who to achieve this request had to review the Miley Cyrus biography. A sacrifice so noble is worth a few days of my time. And this series got so bad, Disney dropped it like a hot rock. The Weinsteins had to distribute it through Dimension.

00:00:46: Edie McClurg’s in this. I’m already stoked.

00:01:16: Balls. I think this one features the baby. In beach volleyball? Sign me up and strip what’s left of my sanity.

00:01:20: Georgia’s Mom lived to see another flick. Looks like they 86ed old Richard Karn for Generic Dad McGee. Survey says, BZZZZZZZZZT.

00:01:42: This little cockknob is making the dog run a Westminster-style obstacle course. This is Air Bud, you little shitsquirt. He kicks babies like you for field goals. He eats lightning and craps thunder. He should belong to Chuck Norris. He’s wasted on you. WASTED!

00:02:32: Uh-oh. Here comes a rusty, broken down ice-cream truck topped by a toilet with a crown on it. King Turd, here to ruin the day. Surely this is our villains in such a bold conveyance.

00:02:50: There goes Old Blue sheriffing it up again. I’m glad to see the elderly put to good use. Or ground into Soylent Green.

00:03:34: Apparently the dog can tell time. Also, Fernfield has an overabundance of giant public clocks.

00:03:51: Wow, our villains looks like a forgotten Baldwin and a forgotten Farley. And I can see why they’ve been keeping them in a basement. Yeeesh.

00:04:01: They’re stealing jewels. Not to make into some sort of super dog. Not to find some kind of Doggie Messiah by affixing it to the top of staff. Not to lure dogs to make into stew. Straight up rich stuff. It’s finally a plot point that makes perfect sense.

00:04:25: I never hurled papers all over the place on the last day of school. I never ran screaming down the hallways. I just fucking left. It’s not like I wasn’t coming back. Are all these kids dropouts?

00:04:43: Friends are Flowers That Never Fade. Written on the inside of a locker. So who’s going to die in this one? I got money on the Skeksis finding out she has ovarian cancer.

00:04:46: Andrea got prettier. Oh, it’s a different actress, that’s why. I guess the other girl was pretty enough to suck at bay-soo-ball, but not pretty enough to suck at beach volleyball. Skeksis is the same old gal, but she’s grown into her beak now. Aaaaand, she’s moving. Guess the flower that never fades just got plucked. Flowers may not fade, but the sure as shit can be uprooted and replanted several states away.

00:04:56: I love how in every Air Bud film they feel the need to explain to Josh or Andrea, “Hey, look! It’s Buddy!” I would pay cash money to get the movie a PG rating just so once, Andrea can slap the shit out of The Skeksis and shout, “No shit! It’s my dog, you dumb bitch. I’m glad you’re moving. Get the hell out of here. We’re not lesbians anymore! I undykeclare myself from you!”

00:05:27: So the bad guys, posing as plumbers, are actually plunging a dookie toilet in the museum where they’re planning a heist. I wonder how many serious criminal careers have been waylayed by the masterminds developing a penchant for the straight jobs. Like guys running a pizzeria as a bookmaking front suddenly realizing they really make good pizza. I think that’s the plot to a Woody Allen flick.

00:06:57: Ah, a master jewel. The Pink Puppster, no the Eye of the Sphincter of Bel’al. Curly’s Jowl.

00:07:20: Let’s be lesbians for old times’ sake, whaddayasay, Skeksis. One more into that breach, dear friends. Let’s splash and dance and swim and be carefree like dolphins. Beautiful lesbian dolphins.

00:08:12: They spend all that money on two security guards, a laser protection grid, and all this security, and they don’t think to search the shitter for two highschool dropouts hiding. Why the fuck do museums spend the money on those goddamn laserbeam webs anyway? Hasn’t every heist movie pretty much rendered them moot?

00:08:32: The grid has been activated! Were these special effects created by Atari? Beware the Collecovision. Also, if you break one of the beams, Q-Bert hops out and stomps your ass.

00:08:42: I think lots of cat burglars prefer the method of throwing a tantrum and falling on the floor. Who designs a security system that can be thwarted by an air conditioning duct? Architects need to watch more Die Hard.

00:09:12: Is this bad guy’s tattoo a rub-on? It looks like he got it painted on at a arts and crafts fair by a fat girl in a clown costume. That costs $5. I would know. I used to be the fat girl in the clown costume.

00:09:42: There’s nothing like a moving truck to drop a big bad Debbie Downer squat right on your head.

00:10:02: Is this the part where since they’ll never see each other again, they start experimenting sexually? Cause that’s how I discovered my first boobs. Thanks, Jessica! I’ll never forget you! Or your ginormous teenage rack.

00:10:08: Is the tent full of onions? The two girls look like they’ve been clambaking. Another twenty minutes of crying. We wasted our youth playing sports with a dog, when all this time we could have been smoking weed in our backyard. O Cruel Fate!

00:10:17: A box of memories for you to remember your memories by. Goddammit, all I got you was this hat that says Air Bud 6: Bud Goes to Manhattan.

00:10:58: Skeksis is not a pretty crier. What cruel twist of fate allows pale redheads to get that red when they weep? She looks like an advertisement for Tomato Gushers.

00:11:25: Buddy busts in and totally fucks up a sentimental moment. And I appreciate him all the more. Good dog! It’s about time we cut this goddamn Babysitters Club shit.

00:11:48: The little brother was better when all he could do was cry. Why could this just be silent toddlers, babies, and puppies? Who the fuck decided we have to have all this dead parent, romantic interest, friendship bullshit? It’s about sports dog, you twats. And this little shit is about to try to wake up the two stoner crybabies with one of the plastic herald trumpets my cousins and I used to whack each other in the ass with.

00:12:16: Say your goodbye, Skeksis. The mothership is departing. At least they swapped out the femmullet chicken lady mom for a more rounded generic mom replacement. Unless that skinny woman was supposed to be Skeksis’ secret older lover. No wonder they’re moving! They’re running away from the older sexual predator!

00:12:29: Thank God. They didn’t give up the cotton candy pop songs by other Disney stars that constantly permeate this wretched soundtracks.

00:13:02: I know this is a traumatic childhood moment for you, honey, but get in the fucking car already, Skeksis. I don’t want to get caught in traffic. Your mother, she farts on road trips.

00:13:34: The town festival was sponsored by Big Dogs. You know, the shirts that big fat redneck dads wear to church because the Hooters and Big Peckers sleeveless tanks are really more of a casual day ensemble?

00:13:44: The scumplumbers are at the carnival. Hide from the sheriff! Sure, like the rest of America, he has no fucking ideas who the hell we are, but still. Also, he’s like ninety. He’s lucky if he can see his dick when he takes a whiz.

00:14:15: The scumplumbers stole cotton candy from a child. And that little shit’s far too old to be throwing a crybaby fit. He’s like ten. Beat your children soundly, parents, to prevent this sort of nonsense from taking hold.

00:14:51: Buddy’s running the dog run ala Westminster. Geez, five fucking movies, and they finally have him doing actually dog shit. Where’s Fred Willard? It’s not like this shit’s beneath him.

00:15:53: Buddy aced it! The other owner just shot his dog in disgrace. That’s how we do on Pinks.

00:15:56: So the scumplumbers are going to steal Buddy so they can use him to steal the jewel. This makes it the third stupidest plot premise in the entire series.

00:16:19: Free ice cream is the top prize for the dog run! I’d steal the fucking dog for that! The Blizzard of the Month for July is Tagalong: chocolate covered peanut butter shortbread cookies. You tell me houndnapping is not worth it!

00:16:49: Somebody has already moved into Skeksis’s house. Probably some tween douchenozzle to fill that gaping void left in Andrea’s pants. I mean, heart. And by heart, I mean vagina.

00:16:54: Awesome. They totally transposed a faded shot of Skeksis sadly driving away. Memories, like the box you left behind. Moist and awkward fondling memories. Of the way we were. Lesbians.

00:17:05: I don’t want to play fetch, dog. Let me eat my Kraft dinner and pine for Skeksis in peace.

00:17:25: Every time this girl loses someone in her life, they have to throw a pining montage. Mopey broad needs to find a new sport, ASAPossible.

00:18:03: The only thing that can possibly cheer poor Andrea up? Mailman Phil! And a postcard from Skeksis. Dear Andrea, I’ve already found someone new. Her name is Katy and she wants to be a singer. I think I like her, but I’m Hot and I’m Cold. Love, The Skeksis. P.S. I long for your kisses.

00:18:33: Cripes! They did cast another dad. They cast a guy who actually might be a vet in real life. I think they just used the onset veternarian. That way, he gets two checks. Like Lunchlady Doris.

00:18:49: Ahh! She’s going to go to San Diego to play beach volleyball at the behest of the Skeksis. I was wondering how they were going to fit beach volleyball into the scenic climate of landlocked rural Washington State.

00:19:16: “We’ll see how it goes.” And you bought that shit, Framm? You, my dear, are in for a teenage full of angst and mope montages.

00:19:35: Nobody will hire a young preteen girl. I don’t see why not, it’s not like she’s a minority.

00:20:00: I figured out how to raise the money! By taking it from my parents! Who are trying to raise two children and put a third through college on accidental death benefits and a vet salary. In exchange for babysitting her brother. Fuck, she gets PAID for that? Isn’t the whole point of having children the free indentured servitude?

00:20:12: The Mom met the neighbors. And they have a son YOUR AGE! Isn’t that convenient to the plot?

00:20:39: Oh, look, they made a big train out of cardboard and markers. The glory of imagination! The young imp keeps shouting, “Chuggalugga! C’mon, Andrea! Chuggalugga!” He will do well in college.

00:21:22: Our first glimpse of the teen heartthrob next door. He’s like the resistance leader in Top Secret. I shall dub him Bird Nest, for his unruly Dan Carlsonesque mane.

00:21:45: She’s humiliated by being caught playing train with her baby brother? Fuck that shit. I still make train noises when standing in long lines.

00:22:18: Bird Nest just came from California! I guess their doing a Skeksis Sexual Interest Exchange Program.

00:22:33: “What kind of sports do people do for fun around here?” It really depends on which dog we make the movie about. I think next up is badminton. When I’m old enough to appreciate the term “shuttlecock.”

00:22:39: I like to skate and play beach volleyball. Also, this book of California stereotypes says fish tacos, surfing, and pot in two more years.

00:23:10: She paid her $9 for babysitting? Is this in 1950’s currency?

00:23:23: All financial math problems should involve sad frowny faces.

00:23:40: The scumplumbers are heisting. I’m wondering how they expect to train a strange dog to grab a jewel. Maybe they’ll tell him it’s a shuttlecock and this is Air Bud: Barkminton Madness!

00:24:07: Stepdad has a receptionist at his vet’s office that appears to be Mena Suvari after an acid bath.

00:24:55: Much like his fat owner, this dog can be lured with snacks.

00:26:00: Attention filmmakers. If you want to make your film awesome, add Edie McClurg. I don’t think she and Betty White have ever been in the same film, because their collective Minnesotanesque awesomeness would collapse the filmic universe like a neutron star.

00:26:03: And they gave her a fucking parrot. Gram Gram’s a pirate, stow the rum.

00:26:30: I’m pretty sure Buddy’s gonna eat that parrot before the week is out. Winner winner chicken dinner.

00:27:00: The actor playing Stepvet is so oatmeal boring they’re sending him to a vet convention. It’s the children’s film equivalent of a soap opera coma.

00:27:28: “You can’t have ice cream for every meal!” This is what my children will have to be told. Followed by “But Mommy does!” And then the beatings shall begin.

00:27:45: I really, really, REALLY hate it when they make a fake dog’s or fake cat’s paw cover the animal’s eyes. They’ve done it in every movie so far, and I’ve managed to avoid mentioning it, but goddamn it, it’s finally snapped my resolve. I made it through all the prosletyzing of every Left Behind book, until Jesus arrived like a katana wielding Thomas the Tank Engine chopping up the non-believers, but THIS! THIS IS WHAT WILL SNAP ME IN TWAIN!

00:28:04: Who skateboards carrying a volleyball? Is this kid a PacSun model?

00:28:13: I said out loud, “I swear I’ve seen Bird’s Nest in something before.” My girlfriend says, “Your butt.” And that’s why I’m marrying her. Does this count as a romantic proposal? In the middle of an angry Air Bud review? I guess I could threaten to push her off a cliff.

00:28:22: I heard you have an older brother, Andrea. Oh, yeah. Old Whatshisface. He escaped. Took all the warden’s money and his shoes when he left.

00:29:16: Where the hell did they get Baskin Robbins? I guess that’s the magic power of the bad guy’s tattoo. The ability to make terrible chain ice cream appear at will. He must know the crapping taco on South Park.

00:30:16: Someone needs to call an Amber Alert on the fucking scumplumbers.

00:30:49: They just shot the puppy leaping into his fat owner’s arms like a slow motion fight sequence. I thought the dog was about to bust her in the chops with a Tiger Uppercut.

00:31:11: Petsitting Service! The graphics on the poster make her bottom career skill read “Manslaughter.” I guess that’s a marketable skill.

00:32:12: Another bouncy American Idol failure belts out mediocre pop. She’s getting paid to watch her brother, who then helps her take care of the dogs she’s getting paid to watch. What a brilliant fucking Ponzi scheme!

00:33:12: I don’t understand why animal movies persist in the compulsory need to have bathing montages.

00:34:34: So far they’ve used Edie McClurg as a vegetarian joke (she’s can’t cook and it’s only veggies) and as a parrot transport apparatus. Wasteful! Then again, it’s been almost 35 minutes, and nary a single game of volleyball.

00:35:07: FINALLY! Buddy’s setting a v-ball back and forth over a fence with Bird Nest. It’s like I summoned it with my magical movie wishing powers. It’s been almost 35 minutes and we haven’t seen a single naked woman masturbating yet.

00:36:06: Yeesh! Edie McClurg just took all her clothes off and climbed into a sauna. Ah well. She’s still better looking than Kathy Bates.

00:36:08: Oh no! All the dogs are going to escape and it’s all because of the little brother. Crucify the little cunt.

00:36:51: Buddy’s chasing after the dogs. But that might be what’s making them run. I don’t know anymore! I just DON’T KNOW1

00:37:11: Gee. I see a giant ugly pottery piece with a really big conspicuous $500 price tag on it that the dogs are barreling towards. I wonder how much money is in the Free Skeksis Jar?

00:38:01: Buddy’s barking at the other dogs. In Barknesian, he’s saying, “Fuck! You maggots make me sick! Where are you from? Fernfield? Only two things come from Fernfield! Steers and queers! And you don’t look like you have any horns to me! Oh, wait, you do. Never mind. Carry on.”

00:38:26: Buddy caught the giant ugly pottery piece on his noggin. Safe!

00:39:05: Late for practice? Practicing what Bird Nest? Being a douche?

00:39:30: Time for a little Gram Gram wisdom. Maybe not. Maybe she’s going to burp up Aesop’s fables. The stories great Gram, but what I can really use is some money. Spoil me, old woman!

00:41:45: Stealing gum and pepperoni sticks from a general store. Sure we’ve been casing this joint for seventy-two hours, but you don’t just dive into larceny. You gradually build. Has Mafia Wars taught you nothing?!

00:41:55: Fat Farley spies the parrot, who’s walking down the street. Out of spite? You have wings, motherfucker! USE THEM!

00:42:18: Gratuitous butt crack shot! Well, they are plumbers. And he is the fat one. I think its a SAG rule.

00:42:52: The grand prize in the beach volleyball championship is a trip to Malibu. Which is at least three and a half hours north of San Diego on a good traffic day, but really what’s a little thing like accurate geography to a screenwriter? And seriously they are playing beach volleyball in Washington? There’s no beach! That’s like playing indoor soccer in a closet.

00:42:57: Did you say California? That’s a state!

00:43:20: While Bird Nest teaches Andrea how to slap the old bigball, a Sixpence None the Richer cover band strums gently on the soundtrack.

00:43:38: It’s not just a sports movie! It’s an instructional home video on how to do technique. Perfect your bump and set while dogs frolic and a nauseating soundtrack makes you want to die slowly in a tire fire.

00:44:09: You know, it’s been five movies. They’ve played basektball, football, soccer, and baseball. And not well. And yet, it’s with a fucking VOLLEYBALL that they finally break a window. Which Andrea will undoubtedly have to pay for with her Skeksis Abortion Fund. This bitch’ll be lucky to have bus fare to the mall at this rate.

00:44:28: Edie McClurg tried to talk to her parrot, but it’s been birdnapped! Polly, can you hear me? Polly, can you feel me?

00:45:19: No one wants to kill Andrea yet. Obviously, this is a new era of team acceptance. Really? You can’t blow a volleyball up with a pump until it explodes! It would kill people in a four block radius. Pu-pu-pu-pump it up!

00:45:51: Damn, Andrea needs to get some band-aids or else turn off the high beams. Unless that’s her strategy for distracting the other team.

00:46:00: Relax, Andrea. We all know this is the part of the movie where you suck at sports until Buddy steals your thunder by bite-shooting the ball. Just relax.

00:46:42: Keep your eyes on the ball is not the central tenet of volleyball, Bird Nest. And the central tenet of Buddhism is not every man for himself.

00:46:57: Jesus wept. That little kid can find ice cream cones wherever he goes. He also must know the ice cream Taco from South Park.

00:47:23: It’s not a school sanctioned team, but they’re still called the Timberwolves. I enjoy this simple symmetry.

00:48:01: Polly isn’t a boy’s name. It’s a song you rape to.

00:50:31: With these teen girls in the modest swimwear, there’s not much interest for me in beach volleyball. It’s a much better sport to play than watch.

00:51:19: It was 22-19. How many goddamn points are they playing to? What sort of cockamamie fake-movie league bullshit is this?

00:51:38: The ref appears to be the stoner basketball player from the last film. It’s good to see him getting work. And not sitting around playing b-ball with his dog and dealing to youngins.

00:52:11: The girl did a total Raimi take into the net. Extreme action closeup! Whoooooaaaaa! WHOOOAAAAA!

00:53:08: The Fernfield Gazette has a hip new look for the summer. Also I enjoy how it calls Andrea out for being a loser in the photo caption. All community newspapers should feature articles telling children they suck. Those are the keepers.

00:53:55: An important volleyball skill: twirling the ball on your finger?

00:54:25: Wow. A dog who plays sports? I wonder if he’ll play on our team.

00:54:54: Faux sniffle sobs. This can’t bode well for the team. Her parents are taking one of the girls to spend the summer with her grandmother. I guess the trip can’t wait a day or two for the CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT. Her Grandma’s not running a cathouse where you can come and go as you damn well please. You better make a reservation, goddammit. And bring your Visa, because that bitch don’t take American Express.

00:55:22: “I have an idea.” Just once, I’d love to see one of the other players shout, “Oh, for the love of God, not your fucking dog again, Framm.”

00:55:42: They literally waited a few minutes, complete with a wipe dissolve.

00:55:55: Andrea brought her baby brother? WRONG MOVIE! Her sassy Gram Gram? WRONG MOVIE! Oh, wait. It’s the dog that plays on every fucking team in town because of the dearth of children able to play team sports in Fernfield. I blame the thalidomide. Flipper babies are only good at waterpolo and lacrosse.

00:56:10: Holy fuck. They made an Irish “setter” joke. I didn’t see that coming because I can’t fit my head that far up my ass. Curse these wide shoulders.

00:56:53: Well, the dog can set. But he probably won’t be much on serving or spiking. And yet, there will inevitably be one shot where he does just that.

00:57:00: The grandma asked the little brother how long Buddy’s been playing volleyball. “What do you want from me, you old bag? I’m like three. It’s a good day if I don’t shit my pants. Lay off.”

00:57:09: What. The. Fuck. They “held” the dog up to stuff a spike. With his paws. I hate you, Weinsteins.

00:59:48: It’s like they found those guys who get drunk at cookouts on put on Jimmy Buffett and asked them to cover Beach Boys songs for the soundtrack. Ain’t nothing wrong with giving royalties to Dick Dale, you understand me?

00:59:54: They are clearly playing the same team they played in the previous game. I love how they spike clear into the middle back line, but still one of the players dives at the sand like she’s digging for clams.

01:00:17: Why are there newspaper headlines in between tournament games? Print media can’t be that dead if the Gazette’s getting released hourly.

01:01:01: Game point Timberwolves. Is this where Connor breaks an arm or foot? Or does he do that later on a skateboard?

01:01:30: “Do you get to go to Disneyland?” You little capitalist shill. You’ve sold your soul for screen bucks!

01:01:40: “It’s gonna really be a dog fight.” Even the dog puked on that line. Then he ate it.

01:01:57: Andrea’s dreaming of the last days of the Skeksis.

01:02:42: The little boy’s got a scheme hatching. He’s going to enter an ice cream eating contest.

01:02:54: The game’s at 8:30 AM and she’s bitching because he woke her at 7 AM? Typical goddamn woman.

01:03:24: Oh yeah. Let’s not forget the big jewel heist. With a parrot. Because the championship game need to be delayed while Buddy foils an assassination plot or some such shit.

01:03:58: This parrot is an iPod full of annoying.

01:04:39: That ice cream shop owner is ruing the day he gave free ice cream privileges to that pushy little shit.

01:05:11: Apparently, a parrot singing the Meow Mix Re-Mix is like catnip for dogs.

01:05:39: Buddy’s been stolen! Now all the scumplumbers have to do is evade capture, break into the museum in broad daylight, convince a dog and parrot to snatch a precious gem by going all Catherine Zetatrapment on them, and get away scot free. Impossible, unless your sheriff is an 85+ retiree named Blue.

01:06:04: You can’t whistle for a dog while holding two ice cream cones! That’s in the Bible!

01:06:13: Old Blue’s making an announcement. I wonder if he’ll start jello wrestling. Maybe he’ll sing “Dust in the Wind.”

01:06:39: It’s perfectly normal for a toddler to be wandering alone through a town, right? Especially clutching two unmelting ice cream cones. Mmmm, Crisco pops. Tastes like bacon.

01:07:01: Don’t worry about the security guard. Fattie’s in a donut coma.

01:07:51: Obviously, one would store his precious Ruprecht Diamond in what appears to be the Fernfield Museum of Rusty Lumberjack Hacksaws and Mounted Woodland Creatures Heads.

01:08:27: He’s blackmailing the dog by threatening the parrot. I feel like chicken tonight.

01:09:07: Buddy crawling through the air vents. I wonder if he feels like a TV dinner.

01:09:38: All museum vents are on a hinge system so dogs can easily push them open. Through if Buddy used a screwdriver or jackhammer, it wouldn’t have come as a surprise in this goddamn atrocity of a film.

01:10:36: They really are doing the Entrapment laser schtick. Maybe afterwards, Buddy could tell some jokes about airplane peanuts, and how men be all like this.

01:12:01: The parrot escaped! And Buddy’s off with the jewel! He pulled the old Trenton Shuffle. Ha-ha-cha-cha-cha!

01:12:31: The scumplumber stole a razer scooter to try and catch Buddy. Is this Back to the Future 2?

01:12:58: Grass! The mortal enemy of wheeled trends!

01:13:17: Buddy turned the switch to activate the merry-go-round. At a brisk 8 MPH, those thieves will be trapped in a violent vortex the likes of which they may never escape!

01:14:30: They spent twelve fucking minutes spinning the bad guys. Kids eat that shit with a spoon.

01:14:35: The bad guys collided at such a speed, their molecules fused and now they’re some sort of six-limbed mutant bent on the destruction of all living creatures! RUN! RUNNNNNN!

01:14:35: Just kidding. The fat guy threw up on the greasy one. Chunky.

01:15:04: Buddy still has to run away. Only now, Gram and the wee tot are on the case. I smell CBS spinoff series!

01:15:21: The sheriff who for some reason has demanded to ref the final game. Is still carrying his gun. There’s no yellow card pussy shit in beach v-ball. You foul, you get your fucking head blow clean off.

01:15:36: Buddy’s here! He foiled the robbery and he’s packing bling. In time to win the championship. He’s making Scooby Doo look like a fag.

01:16:30: Normally we’d take dangerous criminals to the county lockdown, but I figure a few hours in a hot cop car outghta babyfry the old noggin into submission.

01:17:14: The parrot’s back on Veggie Tales the Pirate Gram. There’s about ten minutes left of movie for some wild dog on v-ball action.

01:17:57: The parents are back just in time for us not to give a good goddamn. There’s V-ball! Stow it vet!

01:18:42: The cocky server just got shittalked by Andrea. She’s all growndsup.

01:18:55: You’re only allowed three touches in beach volleyball: bump, set, and spike. But in crazy dog rules volleyball with scores up to 30 points, I guess you get four. Or however many until the good team wins.

01:19:41: Game point. “This is the final point.” Gram Gram explains. Thanks for the newsflash, Pop-Up Video. Don’t you have knitting not to do?

01:20:18: The tension is almost as thick as Side Out. C. Thomas Howell, please come back to save this movie. Why is the opposing team serving if— you know what? Fuck the rules. Just finish the game so I can get back to whacking it to iCarly.


01:21:21: They’ve now gone to Malibu for the Beach Volleyball World Championship Under-14 All Valley With A Dog To See Their Best Friend Championships. What unknown sports celeb will congrats Buddy now? Karch Kiraly?

01:22:09: Reunited with Skeksis at last. Because San Diego is right down the road from Los Angeles. I had a friend come visit me and say, “We’re flying into San Francisco, then coming to see you in L.A., then driving to San Diego.” I said, “Let me put that in East Coast math for you. You just said, I’m flying to Boston, driving to Philadelphia, and then down to D.C.” The west coast is three states long, and half of that is fucking California. Learn geography, for the love of fucking God.

01:22:17: Gabi Reece and Air Bud playing for the win. Wow, Gabs, you went full monty for this acclaim. Kudos your boobos.

01:23:06: Air Bud is totally copping a thigh feel on gabi Reece. You earned it boy. Go make us a few sequels.

01:23:13: It’s over. It’s finally fucking over. For now. For you see, there are four Air Buddies films. That’s right, four. And they involve talking dogs. In November, Santa Buddies gets released, and I will review them then. God help us all.

Brian Prisco is a bitter little man stomping sour grapes into fine whine in the valleys of North Hollywood. He’s a screenwriter who’s never been professionally produced, an actor who’s never joined a guild, and a director who made one bad film. He’s one waiter apron away from a cliche, and he’s available for children’s parties. You can tell him how much you hate him at priscogospel at hotmail dot com.

The Secret Speech by Tom Rob Smith | Hobbit Casting News