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So This Is What It Sounds Like When Balls Fly

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 14, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Film | July 14, 2009 |

00:00:00: Our title came from admin, from whence some good things come. Yes, I realize I’m devoting too much of my hatred and time to a movie that’s over a decade old and intended to amuse children, but this was your doing. Actually, this was me making a drunken boast and now reaping what I sowed.

00:00:37: The Weinsteins will squeeze any stone for blood money.

00:01:05: Josh is not aging well. But he and Bud are still playing ball.

00:02:11: They swapped Sister Act for George’s mom from “Dead Like Me.”

00:03:07: Now the dog knows how to work electric car locks and windows. He’s like one step removed from those fucking G-Force hamsters. At least he doesn’t talk.

00:03:43: Sees a father with his son at a ball game. Josh wishes he had a dad. Mom wishes she had a dad for when it gets cold and lonely on those deep dark nights. You’re fucking right I quoted Meat Loaf. Mom also wishes they wouldn’t swap her out every movie.

00:03:58: Don’t go on the pro-basketball courts, Buddy! Iverson’ll bust a cap in your ass. Or Rodman will do you.

00:04:14: The camera whirled around on Josh in a washing machine shot. And he just went “Oh, MAN!” Best trick shot ever.

00:04:30: It’s a shame the director discovered the whammy bar on his camera. It’s like a goddamn Monkees episode.

00:04:59: The dog is wearing a pom-pom. Has Air Bud caught Rodman?

00:05:25: Now Josh’s is in high school. This time, it’s personal.

00:05:32: Sweaty Creepy Kid’s back for the sequel. He’s gotta be fucking a producer. Or the dog. Or the dog’s fluffer. I mean, hairdresser.

00:05:44: “You know what the best part of eighth grade is? Girls who are turning into women.” I named you well, Creepy Sweaty Kid.

00:06:19: So they’re switching sports to football for pussy. I thought they liked dogs?

00:07:00: Buddy hates the vet. But, dog, the vet’s so charming and obviously a romantic interest for the Mom. Sister Act may not have been able to get the dick, but Death’s mom is all up in that shizz.

00:08:27: Nora Dunn is slumming as a Russian circus villain. Congrats, Rene Russo, someone finally outsucked your Natasha accent.

00:08:31: Dancing Bear! If this movie has Buddy fight the bear, it wins.

00:09:22: And a skateboarding monkey in orange overalls. They’re bringing the A Game on this one.

00:10:18: So instead of a clown, Sketchy Russians want him. Do you not know the laws of progression for kiddie hijink films? Russians don’t come around until the third sequel.

00:11:00: Mom’s got a date! See what happens when you abandon the convent for the murder business, peanut?

00:11:20: The dog ate a sandwich! And then burped. Why are they adding belch sounds to the dog? That’s one step away from a talking dog.

00:11:49: Uh-oh. The date’s allergic to pets. Looks like he’s gonna bolt. Get it? Like the dog movie? Ahahahahahahaaha, kill me.

00:12:54: Oh, and date #2 is a swarthy smoldering douchebag. Maybe the dog will sniff his crotch or something. Nope. Guess they just had a budget for two actors.

00:13:22: Mom’s getting dating advice from the dog. I’d still trust him over Dr. Phil.

00:13:40: The dog ran her directly into the vet’s arms. The dog also sometimes drags her into potential rapists. It’s a fifty-fifty.

00:14:19: The little girl just let the ice cream fall out of her cone on to the dock. Obviously she’s learning disabled. Sacrifice her to the dog.

00:15:00: Did they write this dialogue on a dare? This is why test scores are so low. Children watch things like this.

00:15:16: The doc brought a football for Josh. Instead of a basketball. Already, I prefer him. Mate often and successfully with him, Josh’s Mom.

00:15:50: The little sister’s killing me. She just kinda stares at the ceiling, or randomly starts brushing the dog.

00:16:02: There’s the portrait of dear old departed dad. Except now, he’s on a shelf tucked away in the garage. Out of site, out of Gutenberg von Pullman.

00:16:55: Air Bud’s getting the football. Because fuck that pussy basketball shit.

00:17:15: Josh fell over a football on his bed like he had the vapors. Even worse are those zebra striped boxer briefs. Why is Axe and Maxim ruing our youth?

00:17:30: The Russians are cruising in an ice cream truck? Was Air Bud crafted by pedophiles?

00:18:12: “You know what happens after four dates? Speed dial.” Creepy Sweaty Kid is wise beyond his zits.

00:19:00: Josh beaned Boris in the noggin with a football and knocked both him and Natasha down a hill into a lake. What’s with the Air Bud series and dropping bad guys into lakes?

00:20:00: Josh is okay with his mom going on dates. Just not with attractive nice guys. Josh would rather play football than be home to see his mother happy. Oh, scoliosis, god of spinal injury, cripple this young man, I beseech you.

00:20:59: Oh, snap. It’s the Worse News Bears. Can’t tackle, catch, throw, run. And the Coach is Robert Costanzo, famous fat guy extraordinaire. Seriously, the motherfucker is eating a hoagie while he coaches.

00:22:00: Backup QB is Josh. Because he threw one long ball from the sidelines. That’s how Kurt Warner got his start. Also, Kurt knew the skating chimp.

00:22:05: And he’s backup to a blonde crewcut kid named Colt. Wonder if he’ll turn out to be some kind of rich asshole. Surely not.

00:22:30: Where are the Little Giants when you need them? I miss you, Rick Moranis.

00:23:15: “String of Animal Abductions Baffle Police” — I want this as the headline to my obituary.

00:23:22: The little sister put Buddy in a dress and pearls. Told you he caught Rodman.

00:25:10: CSK and Justice spying on the vet. They found pictures of him with lots of other women. I hope they turnout to be his victims. It’s the plot twist this flick needs.

00:27:50: “You can play football, Buddy?” Also, baseball, soccer, volleyball, golf, parcheesi, jai alai, and water polo.

00:29:05: How much dry kibble you feeding him, Josh? You trying to kill that dog with people food already — just get him some The Colonel and finish the job already.

00:29:29: They’re gonna cut funding to the football team because they haven’t had a winning season. Maybe the money will funnel to the Arts & Music Department. Then Air Bud can show a forte at painting. Air Bud: Van Goghin To The Dogs.

00:29:35: Attendance IS down. Probably a dog that catches might could help. Nah, they should probably just find that skateboard monkey. He can sexually assault a cheerleader at halftime. It’s what monkeys do!

00:29:50: So the decision is either cut the football program or cut Coach Sipowicz’s cousin in Die Hard 2?

00:30:18: The budget cuts have already weaned the marching band down to eight.

00:30:45: The insane fat maniac football player has a surprisingly soft and intelligent voice. It’s like hearing Chunk suddenly sing Verdi.

00:31:12: At least the tubby down and out coach keeps his motivational speeches short and sweet and leaves out the morals.

00:31:52: Poor black kick receiver. You got pulverized. Disney doesn’t love the black ma— HOLY FUCK! IS THE MANAGER SIMON BIRCH?! What’s wrong with that little kid?

00:32:19: Oh, no! Buddy’s Home Alone! Well, since he’s being menaced by a gang of Russian thieves, technically he’s Home Alone 3.

00:32:29: It even sounds like the soundtrack to Home Alone. “Bark bark, house. Bark bark, protect it. Bark bark AAAAAHHH!” If the dog throws a paint can on a string, I’m leaving.

00:32:47: Holy shit. These kids are trying to buy ice cream from a truck parked in a driveway. If they end up sexually violated in a shallow grave, it would be social darwinism.

00:33:10: Josh’s eating popcorn on the football bench. Well, this fat ass coach probably encourages a regimen of lite snacking.

00:33:32: It’s gonna be a long season. Especially with all the cheerleaders in those thick sweaters. You’ll never get a man that way!

00:33:34: All chase scenes should feature a dog and an ice cream truck.

00:34:45: Why are they trying to catch the dog in a giant pool skimmer? Did they get the novelty net from the ACME Catalog?

00:34:55: Buddy runs to Josh’s game. Does that dog have fucking Lo-Jack on the boy or what?

00:35:02: The QB’s racing down the field. Here comes a player for the other team in slow motion. It’s about to be curtains for Booby.

00:35:17: Why is Josh getting pissed because he might have to play? This kid keeps joining terrible teams in the hope that he could be a fucking permanent benchwarmer. Is he trying to bolster his college applications?

00:36:43: He lined up behind the wrong kid for the snap He doesn’t know any of the plays. He’s afraid of being tackled. Is he Koy Detmer?

00:36:49: #35 for the other teams looks like that fat kid who played Pauly Shore’s girlfriend’s brother in Son In Law. It actually took me longer to type that convoluted description than to look his name up on IMDB. I won’t do it. You can’t makes me! Shep, Stacey’s boyfriend, is convinced that kid’s made of plastic.

00:37:50: Way to fumble like a little bitch, Josh. Even Simon Birch shakes his head at your shame.

00:37:51: The coach is eating a brownie now. He just got done eating a slice of pizza. Does he keep a cooler strapped to Simon Birch? No wonder their program’s going under. Stress eater! Hippo!

00:38:13: Fuck helping Josh. Air Bud’s helping himself to a hot dog. And my heart.

00:38:14: Why do they accompany every scene with the dog eating with a loud belching sound? Dogs don’t make sounds when they burp. That’s why you can blame it on the dog.

00:38:38: Indecisive puppy! Should I go in? Should I not? They actually show him shuffling his paws in frustration. This isn’t fucking Hamlet, dog. Go catch a football or we snuff your puppies.

00:38:51: The dog caught the ball! The sanctity of yet another sport is totally ruined! What the fuck is Sweaty Creepy Kid looking so shocked for? He’s seen the fucking dog play basketball before. He’s seen him catch a football. You stupid, CSK.

00:39:20: The dog’s doing a touchdown dance by rolling around on his back and exposing his genitals. T.O. used to get fined for that in Philly. And Air Bud’s appears to be a Stone Temple Pilot song lyric.

00:39:55: At least the couch is spreading the gospel of “Sports are all about fun.” No wonder you have a losing team. Beat them! Make them lie on highway lines! Haze them! HAZE THEM!

00:40:15: “Football’s not like basketball, boy. You might get hurt.” That’s exactly why it’s an infinitely better sport.

00:40:31: I don’t want you to play, Buddy. But perhaps I can manufacture you an uniform and dog-sized pads. In case the producers of the film feel differently.

00:40:44: Josh can sew! They diverted funds from science and math to bolster Home Ec. Which is why Washington state sucks.

00:41:04: Fortunately, he just happens to have an old timey 1930’s football helmet in his garage. I also have stuff if you wanna dress up like Himmler, but we’ll save that for the fourth installment: Band of Barkers.

00:41:32: The dog shows up in the locker room looking all special needs in his helmet and pads. The kids laugh. You know what, I’ve seen your fucking down and out patterns, bitches. You could use the offense.

00:41:51: Let’s make the same arguments as the last film: “We’ll be the laughing stock of the league! We already are!” “Dogs can’t play football!” They made this same argument when Hilary Swank wanted to act.

00:42:50: “That dog ain’t no golden retriever. That’s a golden receiver.” I have EAR HERPES now! My girlfriend just MISCARRIED!

00:42:57: His number is K-9. AGAIN. Couldn’t it be 12? Or 7? Or 3.4? There’s no crying in baseball, and there’s no fucking letters in sports jerseys.

00:43:03: The principal can’t sing the national anthem. Instead of the fat chick with the pageboy, we’ve got an also-ran from the Sopranos. She’s like a cross between Wendie Malick from “Just Shoot Me” and Drea De Matteo. Christ, isn’t butchering the Star Spangled Banner a capital offense yet? Taze that bitch!

00:44:15: Buddy’s first game! Don’t poop from nerves. That’s how I blew my first piano recital. The other coach finds it amusing that a dog is at wide receptor.

00:44:26: Josh’s called the same play every time he goes into the huddle. B52. Call U2 or V8 or K9 or some other shit, bad bingo.

00:45:04: Touchdown Hound! What is it about chasing animals that makes people collide with each other. Not just players, but referees, parents. They’ve done it every fucking film. Is it so unfunny that the pure power of suck causes things to smash together in a vortex behind it?

00:45:09: Not so funny now, is it other team? It’s never been funny. So stop laughing. That goes for anyone watching this movie. This is a serious drama about a hirsute young lad trying to play athletics.

00:45:48: I think if they cut all the slow motion catches, this movie would have been over by now.

00:46:24: The dog just picked a fumble off the other team. He knocked it out of his hands. Hold that ball, you little bastard!

00:46:44: Dogpile him! Dog pile on the dog! RAPE HIM! KILL THAT FUCKING DOG! RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN HIS NECK! FUCK HIM UP! FUCK!!!! AAAAGH! Sorry. I was channeling my Philadelphia Fan spirit.

00:47:01: They missed. The dog’s in the endzone, rubbing his ass on the astroturf.

00:47:18: Now that we got the fun football playing out of the way, Josh can go back to scowling out curtains at his replacement dad. You think you’re so great cause you’re building a gazebo?! I hate you! You’ll never be a pilot!

00:48:27: Trying to confront Doctor Dad with the photos of other women. Burn! They’re his sisters! You know, Josh. This is normally the part where I’d beat you with a tackhammer for going through my personal effects and leave you in a shallow grave, but that gazebo ain’t gonna build itself.

00:49:10: And now that I’ve shown what a catch I am, I’m gonna explain to your mother why I have to move far, far away.

00:49:55: The football team’s new team chant is “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!’ They’re timberwolves. Wolves HOWL! HOWL damn you!

00:50:36: All the fans are wearing little hats with ear flaps like puppyheads. Buddy’s gotta be looking at the crowd and thinking they skinned his litter. No wonder they had to wait so long to do Air Buddies. Poor dog was traumatized.

00:51:22: Just once. Just once I want to see the dog get tackled. Really bad.

00:51:23: Oh good. Boris and Natasha are back. Now that this dog’s been featured in the Fernfield Gazette surely nobody will recognize the Golden Retriever who can catch stuff in his mouth if we steal him and put him in our circus. Our plan is foolproof! No wonder we lost the cold war.

00:52:08: How shitty do the rest of the teams in the conference have to be that by simply putting a dog in as wide receiver the Timberwolves are able to make states?

00:52:10: I prefer Cynthia Stevenson when she’s playing bitchy. Doctor Dad’s about to dumperooski. Destination: Widowsville. Population: You.

00:52:25: Marry me, or I’m moving to San Diego. And who says romance is dead?

00:52:40: Josh don’t like it. You can’t replace Crash Dadicoot with some vet. At least, not until the third act.

00:54:00: Has a problem ever been solved yet — cinematically at least — by running away from home? So he ditches his dog, and his family, for a life of benchwarming on the open road.

00:55:00: The Russians have buddy! Nyet! NYYYYYEEEEEETTT!!!

00:56:00: Coach Fatty catches him at the train station to impart wisdom. What are you doing here? Oh, this is where I catch all the young boys I rape and then eat.

00:57:20: They just used his love of two sports as a metaphor for being able to love another man as his stepfather. I would have been sure the coach would have used a food metaphor. See, you can eat pizza and still like cheeseburgers without the pizza feeling left out. Actually, I think that’s a metaphor for infidelity. Now I’m horny AND hungry.

00:58:35: Oh, calloo callay, he’s gonna stay!

00:59:09: Oh, god, Josh! You were missing for a whole six hours before you came home! I was worried sick! Christ, that’s less than a school day. He could have been watching Transformers.

00:59:49: And the doctor ditched her. And my dog’s missing. And I have AIDS.

01:00:23: A dog running loose around town doesn’t bother the mom nearly as much as her son being gone for like four hours.

01:01:35: Befriend the monkey, Buddy. He’s your only hope.

01:02:39: The announcers for the big showdown game are Tim Conway and Dick Martin. Where’s Uecker? He’ll be in any movie you want for a sixer of Schlitz and a steak dinner.

01:02:50: Aire Bud won’t be playing today. Not be playing. Oh, good. There’s bound to be tons of color commentary involving dog puns. UEEEEECCCKKKERRR!!!!!

01:03:18: Buddy speaks monkey! He frees the chimp. Unfortunately, instead of rescue, the chimp masturbates and flings his seed at the imprisoned animals. In film, it’s called the monkey shot.

01:03:51: Buddy’s free! The monkey saved him! Is there nothing those glorious primates can’t do? Except evolve. If you’re to believe those heathen scientists. But then again, look at Ben Stiller. Or Chris Kattan.

01:04:00: Buddy’s freeing all the animals. How the fuck does a horse knock on a door?

01:04:26: So Dick Martin’s job is to be the idiot of the team. I’m on to your game now, screenwriters.

01:05:10: Just because he’s stupid doesn’t mean the announcer has to go full retard. Keeeeerist.

01:05:48: The circus consists of a duck, two pigs, a porcupine, a llama, a chimp, a dog, a horse and a skunk. Apparently it was a lost branch of Cirque du Sowhatthefuckisthissupposedtobe?

01:06:48: I think I just hate slapstick. Yet I laughed at Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern getting roughed up. Maybe I only like slapstick when it happens to good actors. This is one dick joke from being a Mad TV sketch.

01:07:14: The Russian guy shrieked in horror at…a rabbit. I mean, the esquilax. They keep intercutting between footage of the game and the escape mayhem. Guess what? They’re losing terribly. And out of respect for Conway and Martin, I’ll pretend their grandchildren were offered king’s privilege on anyone on set.

01:07:21: Nora Dunn, dressed in tight leather, is fencing a chimp in Grrrranimals. Pay attention, SNL cast members, there are lower levels of Hell after all.

01:08:00: Believe! Believe the coach shouldn’t be giving an inspirational speech on faith.

01:09:22: Never end a speech with “razzle dazzle” unless its to musical theatre majors. And seriously “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” is hella lame, but not nearly as bad as Quacking.

01:10:17: Is Dick Martin dead yet? Because I think saying these lines might be what killed him.

01:10:40: Air Bud’s trainer always plays fat referees in these movies.

01:11:15: The stupid Russian guy’s name is Poopoff. This is why you end up on the last season of ER. By getting doused in fish guts. And run over by a chimp in an ice cream truck. Was this script written by a robo-tripping eight year old.

01:13:10: You’re doused in fishguts. Cut your losses. Why does every Air Bud film end with the villains driving a truck into a lake? Is this like Troma and the car flipping?

01:14:40: 25 point deficit in one quarter. No problem. They’re playing the Bills.

01:15:16: Who the hell put n the dog’s uniform in transit? Oh, the vet. So Josh gets a dog AND a dad. It’s like the Christmas Batman wishes he had.

01:17:06: Why doesn’t the other coach just throw a hot dog on the field to distract him. Get a bitch in heat or something.

01:17:45: “He’s got fleas. You can’t tell me he don’t got fleas.” What do you do with that line? I think it’s a trash talk from the other coach, but seriously, you can slowly trace the moments until I go on a killing spree throughout this real time review.

01:17:55: OH YEAH! Buddy got the ol’ Texas Howdy. Smashed by a teen thug. Tackle city. Taste that, PETA? That’s why they went through six different Buddies to make this film.

01:18:20: One tackle and the dog’s out for the season. He must play for the Bengals. “Is he okay?” Better get my gun. No, ma. He’s my dog. I’ll do it.

01:18:43: What? It’s how they took care of the blonde kid who dislocated his shoulder. And nobody gave a crap about him. Because blonde assholes are 98 Degrees a dozen.

01:18:53: Can they win without the dog? Nope.

01:19:52: That Simon Birch kid’s like Kevin, the little monkey sidekick of Dr. Mephisto. He never says anything. He just wears glasses and looks somber.

01:20:10: What play will we do? How about B52? They’ll never see that coming. I love the guy, but it’s like watching Paterno coach.

01:21:40: No time left on the clock, he throws it, it’s going deep, there’s a man open, it’s Creepy Sweaty Kid, and HE DROPS THE BALL. BUDDY GOES RABID. HE KILLS JOSH. THEY HAVE TO PUT HIM DOWN. WITH HARPOONS.

01:22:05: Just kidding. They win. Well of course they fucking win. This isn’t real life.

01:23:11: A cute girl tells Creepy Sweaty Kid he’s got potential. That’s at least a handjob through the pants, right?

01:24:11: The doctor’s wisely making his escape in a boat. Oh no the clarion bark of Air Bud is calling him back. He likes the mom well and good, but that dog’s fucking THE TITS.

01:25:07: Mmmm. Awkward young boy hugs.

01:25:54: Oh look. Now, he likes pro football. Fuck you basketball, you’re old news. Warren Moon and Joey Galloway are making guest appearances. But Air Bud makes the snatch. Until Ray Lewis shoots him.

01:26:57: What the fuck is this end credit song? Is Celine Dion slumming? It’s like they ran out of money, and just slapped in a rejected Disney Princess Song.

Brian Prisco is a bitter little man stomping sour grapes into fine whine in the valleys of North Hollywood. He’s a screenwriter who’s never been professionally produced, an actor who’s never joined a guild, and a director who made one bad film. He’s one waiter apron away from a cliche, and he’s available for children’s parties. You can tell him how much you hate him at priscogospel at hotmail dot com.