50 Shades of Grey might have been disappointing in just how bland and mediocre it was (c’mon, where was the infamous communist manifesto line?), but it did give us one moment of shining, beautiful bad movie glory in a wooden, hating-every-second-of-his-life Jamie Dornan delivering the line “I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” It’s an accurate descriptor of the movie as a whole in addition to making no sense at all. “Fifty shades of __” isn’t something people really say.
So when I caught 50 Shades of Grey parody 50 Shades of Black, crafted in the illustrious tradition of other Marlon Wayans vehicles A Haunted House, Scary Movie, and Dance Flick, I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t know if there’d be anything quite awful enough to live up to “I’m fifty shades of fucked up“‘s legacy. That line was supposed to be serious. The following 27 lines are supposed to be funny. I’ll let you make the call.
1) “I tried to take a piss earlier. It was like an angry dragon up in this snatch!”
2) “That’s the smell of his balls after lunch and two games of racquetball.”
3) “Just because you touch a penis doesn’t make you gay. Especially if it’s for money. Or crack.”
4) “He ain’t afraid to get a bitch pregnant. Let you keep the baby and everything.”
5) “That McCafe menu got a girl gushin’.”
6) “I have to take a crap.”
7) “She just called me the n-word!… That kinda turned me on. Call me n—- again!”
8) *The sound of Marlon Wayans pulling prosthetic hairy testicles out of his sweatpants*
9) “I’m incapable of leaving you alone. I’m a certified stalker. I have four restraining orders, and I’m working on a fifth.”
10) “I have to warn you. Elevators make me horny.”
11) (Singing) “‘Cause I love having sex unprotected. And love when my dick’s in you naked. Rawing you-you-you-you-you.”
12) “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard. And quick. Really quick. It’s like a Ronda Rousey fight. You blink, and it’s over.” (…OK, I smiled. Very slightly.)
13) “You look like a thumb that’s been yanked out of somebody’s asshole.”
14) “Where’s the cup, and when do we eat shit?”
15) “You have daddy issues?” *smiles and gives a thumbs up*
16) “It’s fermenting down there!”
17) “It’s customary for a woman to make an oversized sandwich so the man can regain his strength.”
18) “I thought all black men had rhythm and a big dick. Boy, was I mistaken.” (Florence Henderson says this.)
19) “I didn’t lick a butthole!”
20) “I have an extra large urethra.”
21) “Touched a bitch’s bootyhole at Dubai in the airport.”
22) “I haven’t really felt anything down there since I got my butt implants.”
23) “I have a very important question to ask you, Miss Steale. Where is Bin Laden?” *waterboards her*
24) “Oh my God, he’s got a baby dick!”
25) “I don’t know how to count, OK? My crackhead mother never taught me!”
26) “I got my money the way most black entrepreneurs do: drug dealing.”
27) “Because I’m 51 shades of fucked up.”
Oh, and how’s the movie itself? You know how the fucking movie is. It’s terrible. The humor can best be described as “crude” and “lazy,” relying as it does on easy targets and quips about smelly vaginas. Occasionally, this results in some genuinely funny moments, as in a Red Room scene where not-Anastasia Steele’s torture takes the form of not-Christian Grey reading 50 Shades of Grey to her (“This book is 50 shades of fucking terrible. Who wrote this, a third grader?”).
None of the jokes about smelly vaginas are funny.