NO SPOILERS! PROCEED WITH LITTLE OR NO CAUTION! EVERYBODY IN THE POOL!
I haven’t seen The Leftovers this season and while I love love The Knick, for me, Fargo is the best thing on television right now. It seems like they thought everything out so well, and in an entertainment world where so much seems to be either poorly thought out, not thought out enough or actively mailed in, it’s refreshing to see what Noah Hawley has brought to the table for us. A gift, really. A present that says “you have taste and discernment and I love you.” That’s us. We of precious little Chicago Fire and Blue Bloods.
Sadly, though, Noah can’t keep his hands on everything. At some point the ancillary parts of any franchise will be shopped out like so many second unit insert shots, and that’s how, I’m guessing, we ended up with the choice of posters for sale in the FX store. Last I checked — and jump in here if I’m wrong — but a ‘poster’ is something you actually, y’know…post. In a display capacity.
Yeah, like ‘illegal postering in downtown Montreal’? Or whatever. So anyway, that’s the idea.
1) You visit the FX store.
2) You purchase a ‘poster’.
3) You post said ‘poster’ as a decoration on your wall.
My kids don’t ask for posters. Not the way I did, anyway. Once upon a time, you would actually spend a percentage of your time flipping through big metal racks to check out posters. That was a thing. Posters were an acceptable gift. I remember I got a Top Gun poster for my birthday one year and I almost shit myself with excitement. These days kids have access to movable posters called iPad Pro, so a big piece of paper on the wall isn’t always something that gets their RPM gauge cooking.
And we’re really not talking about kids here, anyway. We’re talking about Fargo. How many kids watch Fargo? Serial killer many. That’s how many. If you’re letting your kids watch Fargo I’m not going to judge you, but in my opinion you should be convicted of Salem Witch Trials and be deposited on a post-apocalyptic prison island where you are hunted for food. Again, not judging.
So, the target market for FX Posters is likely grownups. Let’s look at the first one, Floyd Gerhardt.
Mmmm. This is the perfect poster to hang in your teenager’s room to say “I know you’re hiding weed in here.” Jean Smart has brought so much to the role of Floyd, but I’m not sure I would have opted to highlight this particular moment.
“…show you’re a fan of this murderous filled show…”
Why do I feel like they outsourced the copy writing on this page to a foreign national?
I like how they make this 17” x 11”, too. Like it sounds better that way, even though here in ‘Murica, that’s ALWAYS 11” x 17” because we say the width of paper first. Nice try at up-selling there, though. Technically, if you don’t have to go to Kinko’s to print it out, it’s not big enough to be called a ‘poster’ in my book.
“Hey, did you see the USPS came out with an honorary Charlie Brown poster?”
“Yeeeeeeah, that’s a stamp.”
“Well, to me it’s a poster.”
But, to be fair it does come in a plastic sleeve, so.
What other ‘posters’ are available do display in my home, FX? Maybe if that Floyd one has too much of a party vibe you can go with Zahn McClarnon as Hanzee Dent.
Hanzee, you kidder. This photo makes Hanzee look like the air has been sucked out of his face. This is the perfect finisher for any room where you want someone to feel the tickly-sweet sensation of imminent death at the hands of an emotionless assassin. If you have teenagers who saw Taken and didn’t immediately appreciate how often you don’t let them be kidnapped, this is a great way to put that in the back of their minds.
Or what about this one?
Even die-hard Fargo fans don’t remember this character’s name! Is it Cliff? No it’s um…he’s the dude that um…
It’s Charlie. Charlie Gerhardt. And for the low low price of $12.95 all eleven inches of him can be part of your life forever, posted with loving care under the lid of a small desk or as an impromptu light switch backer.
Charlie Gerhardt gets his own poster. That makes perfect sense. I mean, there’s no Lou Solverson, but there is a Betsy Solverson, yucking it up in all of her upbeat, radiant beauty! If we’re being 100% honest, nobody does a casual drape swipe like Betsy Solverson.
It’s a bold choice for Betsy, where they were like “Cristin, give us your best suicide hotline.”
But Charlie is Bear’s kid, so you kind of have to, y’know? I mean Dodd’s kid got one!
You can almost hear Charlie calling ‘no fair’ because Simone gets to smile. She really marches to the beat of her own drummer, that Simone Gerhardt. Unlike her cousin Cliff (or whatever) and her uncle Bear.
Bear also doesn’t get a ‘poster’. Neither does Dodd. Neither does Peggy F’ing Blumquist! God I would have loved to have been in that meeting. I’m not going to say that the FX “who gets a poster” meeting is the exact place where the universe decided to allow AI to make the final leap toward complete self-awareness and thereby seal the fate of man, but it would be fitting.
At the end of they day, they’re really all good choices. And they’re all small enough to use as a mousepad. And if you decide that the kind of pick-me-up vibe your house needs isn’t “police santa”…
You can always go with the most upbeat of them all.
Ahhhh. Now that’s a tribute to a hands-on, can-do attitude if I’ve ever seen one. Kids! Christmas came early! Put that up in the front hall so friends of ours who don’t watch Fargo will look at that and think Geez, I better watch that show!
For just south of thirteen bucks plus shipping and handling, you can’t really go wrong. And if something ever does go awry, like your kids start to cry a lot, or your neighbors don’t call as much or the Simone free love shot turns someone in your house into a chronic masturbator?
Well, honestly, you still came out of it with a very nice plastic sleeve. And isn’t that all that any of us can really hope for?