'Fargo' Season Two Wood Chipper Death Watch - Vote Now!

By Lord Castleton | Fargo | December 7, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | Fargo | December 7, 2015 |

(NOTE: Fargo Season Two Spoilers Below)

Thank god it’s Monday. Never thought I’d say that.

Thus we begin the final two episodes of Fargo:Season Two. Tonight we’ll (most likely) begin to see the beginning of the end. And then, in short order, the end of the end. It sounds like The Leftovers really delivered a home run conclusion, and I’m anticipating that the storytelling prowess of Noah Hawley (he personally wrote the final two episodes) combined with a can’t-miss cast and some good old fashioned Coen Brothers-esque violence will bring this bad boy home.

So who’s going into the proverbial wood chipper?

We already know Lou gets out, right? I mean, we’ve seen it with our own eyes. Or is that another wink of expectation that will end up as unfulfilled as Karl Weathers’ refusal to shake presidential candidate Ronald Reagan’s hand? “Because the man made a movie with a monkey. It wouldn’t be dignified.”

While this isn’t exactly Game of Thrones, it’s still ramping up for a bloodbath. Especially because, in season one, we heard references to just how bad Sioux Falls was.

Let’s guess at the odds, shall we?

99% - Red Kitchen Brother

This dude may as well be wearing a red shirt on a Star Trek away team. Order that coffin right now. Dead man walking.

95% - Simone Gerhardt

If she’s still out there, and what we learned from Miller’s Crossing is that she probably still is, she will return to cause trouble and then be rewarded for it. With a trip to the afterlife.

90% - Mike Milligan

This whole season has kind of felt like the last movement in an operetta about the death of Mike Milligan, with some white folks sprinkled in for good measure.

85% - Ricky D

He’s just chum, right? Let’s see how much Gordon Freeman those yellow aviators have in them.

75% - Betsy Solverson

I almost want to punish myself for this. It’s unlikely that Betsy ends up in the violence, but haven’t we seen her make peace, plan Lou’s next wife and have a fake-out pre-death moment in her dad’s house? But will she live through the season? Will there be something hopeful to come out of Coen Brothers fare? Maybe she didn’t get the sugar pills…

65% - Hank Larsson

If you strike him down, he will become more dead than you can possibly imagine. You can’t have all the casualties on the baddies, folks. Some jedis need to become one with the force.

50% - Ed Blumquist

This is the fulcrum here. I could see Ed lasting through this and living out his days as the Butcher of Lucerne. I could also see him getting ended as an allegory for the displacement of middle American values. What did standing with his wife ultimately get him? The show will take a position.

35% - Floyd Gerhardt

Under 50% means I think they’re likely to last the season. I feel like there could be a pretty good last stand moment for Floyd, though.

30% - Bear Gerhardt

If Floyd takes a bullet, we may see Bear framed as a surviving ‘hero’ of sorts. But I could see him getting Hanzee’d. Tough to take all of Floyd’s sons from her, but remember…the old timers had it worse. Only 2 out of 10 would make it.

25% - Hanzee Dent

He just wanted a haircut, damnit! That’s all he wanted. Now he’s got scissors buried two inches under his clavicle for his trouble. WORST. SALON. EVER. Still, he’s been in the shit like no one else and come out of it. Is there a man alive who can go toe to toe with Hanzee Dent?

15% - Karl Weathers

The only reason Karl is higher than Sonny is because he actually has a legal connection that could get him to Sioux Falls. But I think he makes it.

10% - Sonny Greer

I could see him pulling up in Peggy’s car and Ned Flandersing his way into a bullet.

5% - Peggy Blumquist

I feel like the type of message we’ll end up with is that Peggy gets away. She starts this whole apocalypse, sells Ed on helping her dispose of Rye by appealing to his sense of normalcy “if anyone finds out say goodbye to the butcher shop” and ends up heading off to California with a bag full of money. I don’t know where she’ll get a bag full of money, but that’s the final scene I expect for her.

0% - Lou Solverson

We know it, right?

0% - Ben Schmidt

This dude should get his ticket stamped, but somehow he makes it. We know he makes it. Because he shows up in season one. Wha?? Don’t believe me? Remember this guy?

Yep. That’s Lt. Ben Schmidt. The guy who let Malvo go. “You’re a shit cop. You know that, right?”

(how many layers does this show have, people?)

Okay, Fargo pals. What do you think? This week’s episode is so close I can almost taste it!