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By Pinky McLadybits | Eloquent Eloquence | January 3, 2011 |

By Pinky McLadybits | Eloquent Eloquence | January 3, 2011 |

You may have noticed that I am not figgy. You get a cookie (no you don’t). I’m Pinky McLadybits and I have been given the time-consuming and brain-reducing task of compiling the EEs for the next three weeks. Yay me.

The “rules” for EE are probably the same with me as they were before. Comment threads that get all troll-y and Comment Diversions? I’m not reading those. Those threads that blow up to over 100 comments? If I read some of the earlier comments, I try to read the rest. But sometimes I don’t. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I do what I can. And I do what I want. Them’s the berries.

Ahem. This week brought us a metric shit-ton of Top Ten lists and Eloquent recognition. (Dustin even stole one of the comments I was going to use in this list, but I forgive him because all he has to do is snap his well-manicured fingers and I’ll be whisked off to TK’s basement for re-programming.) Some commenters made the plunge to Facebook so that they can be ogled and poked and enjoy the gift that keeps on giving: herpes being friends with Pajibans. Friendship is fun!

And now, what you all clicked her for. The Top Ten Comments. Of the week. Not this week, last week.

10 - “I admit. I’m the hoax. I was never here. You’re not even reading this right now. In fact, if you squint just right you’ll see that you’re not even on Pajiba. You’re actually browsing the Nickelback merchandise page. Buy a T-shirt. Support shitty music.” — Paultera

[Wait, what? I hate Nickelback. Screw you for making me support their shitty-faced lead singer and his gravel-filled warbling!]

9 - “Re: The Jersey Shore’s laundry.

Yes, laundry is one of the three commandments of Jersey Shore living, and they are thus:
1. Thou shalt gym
2. Thou shalt tan
3. Thou shalt do thy laundry

All are vital to the maintenance of the Jersey Shore body! Gym! Tan! Laundry! YOU GOTTA SMELL LIKE AXE AND FABRIC SOFTENER OR THE LADIES WON’T BE DTF!
DTF being another life-altering term gleaned from the glory of Jersey Shore, meaning “down to fuck,” because lo, when one is clubbin’ one must find ladies who are down to fuck at a moment’s notice. This is the dream.” - Marcela

[I just vomited buttons and milk. I didn’t eat any buttons. Such is the power of learning more about Jersey Shore.]

8 - “WOH G64 at #4? Are you insane? Maybe, MAYBE if you include the entire nimbus, as well as the occasional solar flare, but if that’s the case Centauri 648 should get consideration as well, not to mention WOH 64A, a truly underappreciated star that gets no pub just because it lives in a little regarded cluster obscured from most telemetry. But, no go ahead just go with the mainstream list, just like all the other “experts”. I expect a little more in depth examination here, but if all you’re going to do is parrot the party line then fine. Just don’t be surprised when Galactus shows up to bitch slap you.” — Mrcreosote

[ I’d like to verify the veracity of Mrcreosote’s claims. However, that would require me to understand all of it. So let’s just nod our heads as if we understand telemetry and then giggle about Galactus bitch-slapping someone.]

7 - “I remember back before we even HAD html tags here. If we wanted bold text, we had to set our monitors on fire. If we wanted italics, we had to tilt our heads BOTH WAYS. The orange background burned our eyes, AND WE LIKED IT.” - branded

[That was back in nineteen-dickety-six, wasn’t it? Why, I was just a wee Pinky McPre-teenBits back then. Memories!]

6 -” Our garage will be large enough to house the Murdertank.

The tank needs no garage. The tank is covered in a tarp sewn from the skins of a thousand virgin twihards, which coincidentally took about 5 minutes to round up after we posted a “Hot Topic Sale” sign outside ye olde abattoir.” - D-Day

[Abattoir is fucking classy. Fun Fact: It took the Pajibettes (and one unnamed Paji-boy) hours to sew that tarp. HOURS. And we used sparkly thread.]

5 - “Ah, my two favorite subjects: The road not taken and booze. So here’s my 3 cents. You, as a person, are not made up of what you have or have not done in the past. You are who you are inside, innately, organically and uniquely, still in control of your actions, happiness or sadness, whether you accept that or not. Yet, as we get older we take on more responsibilities and sometimes tire under the weight. And so we might yearn to be free of these responsibilities and think that turning back the clock will accomplish that. But you can never go home again. And that is why they invented booze. Drink up. Happy New Year.” - Mickey

[Yes, I chose something not funny but profound. I CAN BE DEEP. Eloquent comments can be something that makes you think and then drink because the thoughts are just too much for you. That’s why Godtopus heartily endorses Xanax use by His children.]

4 - “winning that golden dildo thing at that ceremony where all the pretty people suck on each others asses.

So this would be some kind of Broadway version of the Human Centipede?” - lordhelmet

[A Broadway Human Centipede couldn’t be any worse than that Spider-Man abomination currently maiming actors left and right. I think someone should get on this. Maybe hire Rob Zombie to write the music. One of the songs could be “I’m Slowly Dying” sung by the third segment. A sample of the lyrics? “Hmmmgpth tphadhf ammmppthhsff mmffpfphjgha!” Someone make this happen.]

3 - “Fuck, I already knew I was old for a commenter. Now I find out I’m old as a commenter? Fuck.

No shit, sansho1. What’s next? Is someone planning on waltzing my cracked ass out behind the woodshed (where we keep the cover for the taco-dip hot-tub) and bash my friggin’ skull in with a shovel? Is that what you do around these parts? In with the new, out with the old? The fuck?

Granted, I got fuzzy-cuffed and peed on by Zuckerberg’s Timesuck Extraordinaire, but I still fucking got it. I’ll straight-up bring the shit and lay down some snark when needed. Christ, people - you think I’m done? Not by a goddam long shot - you haven’t seen sh… waitasec.

What about Skitz? And is that the same person as Skittimus Maximus? And who the hell is Conrad? These are the questions that keep me up at…desk during my lunch hour.

“What the fucking shitballs shit is this Vee? Of course I’m the same person as Skittimus Maximus. I just changed the name because it was easy to misspell when I was really, really, really sloshy with chronic alcoholism. I’d also drunkenly dip my toe into the double identity pool every now and again to crap out a random comment on something ridiculous: Nosferatu, Michael Bay, Pixie Stix, Sally Merriweather - whazzat? Oh, she was my assistant at one time when I was really whackadooded up on a fuckton of prescri… wait. Just hold on a goddam minute. Seriously? This is what it’s come to? Meexplaining the way I used to be?

I’m coming back.

Right after I check my profile for pokes.

[*Total cocksucker]” - Skitz

[It makes me sad that some don’t know All About Skitz. But this comment? This is why the man was banned from winning any more EEs for a while. Brilliant. And crazy like a meth-head fox.]

2 - “”Too bad you don’t have the “Drunk, armed, dwarf with anger management issues who works in a chocolate factory” category.

@bluejayone, i had one of those. portly fellow from guatamala, who always carried a machete. that wouldn’t have been so worrisome, except he was covered in machete scars. he had the most harrowing tales, that he doled out, like little allegorical chestnuts, for me and my friends.

we never even believed most of them, like the one where he was arrested for trying to blow up the parliament buildings because Algonquin College had sent him to a shrink, and he didn’t know what s shrink was, but then thought he understood when it turned out to be a young woman. his final straw that led to the attempted bombing was because the shrink would not bed him. He got off those charges on a refugee/human rights thingy
or the story where he swam to the mainland carrying his brother who had had a limb hacked off and so couldn’t swim himself. or the one where he said he left the death squad because he didn’t want to kill any more children.

we felt entirely safe from the machete until he pulled out a big box of files and newspaper stories about his exploits in the homeland and in canada. then terror set in.
he once threw me into and right through a wall despite my being fourteen inches taller than him. he was upset that when i ate a bowl of cheerios at 3am i hadn’t offered to share. he stopped short of beating me to death when i convinced him the error was due to the fact that i had thought he was asleep.

another time he put his machete to my throat because i wasn’t sharing “my women”. i was seventeen—i had many female friends, but i wasn’t banging any of them. me and my buddy couldn’t let him know this or he would have thought we were gay and we would be back at the machete. so he thought we were “hogging” the women and we had too keep making excuses as to why we “had” so many women, but wouldn’t “share” them. like three’s company, but with blood and booze.

just the same, he turned out to be an interesting roommate and was quite helpful at times. we learned to ply him with alcohol and drugs when he was in psycho killer mode.
good times. incidentally, this is all true, some of my experiences are entirely too implausible to bother making up.” - idleprimate

[Amazing. Machete-wielding madmen absolutely hate it when you hog the women. The only thing that pisses them off more than that is eating the last of their ramen noodles and not replacing them.]

1 - “Kballs - You’re a spirited hubbub.

And that is the most appropos and synchronicitous of all the “you’re a …” comments I have ever taken the opportunity to cheapen this website with.” - Mrs. Julien
Mrs. Julien, you sound like my inner demons.” - Kballs
“But not the outer ones?” - Mrs. Julien

“Nahhh. I’m not some rich, fancy demon owner. I mean, I own some pretty bad movies and CDs, but I wouldn’t call them “demons,” per se. Unless you count Happy Feet, which technically belongs to my daughter. So I guess she’s the demon owner in the family.

*single tear*

My little girl. All grown up. She’s gonna be so much better than me, I just know it.” - Kballs

And there you go. Kballs and Mrs. Julien take the big, imaginary check for $1,290 Internet Dollars for the week. Don’t spend it all on one meme, kids!

I Know This Much is True | Who Will Land The Dark Tower Lead? | Pajiba After Dark 1/3/11

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.