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The Human Twi-li-pede

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 6, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 6, 2010 |

Welcome back to reality!

Hope you all had a great weekend. Have I mentioned how much I love American holidays? You people know how to do it up. I celebrated the 4th the best way I know: lots of food, booze, fireworks and Independence Day, which I’m not ashamed to say is one of my favorite movies of all time. I just can’t watch that thing without loving it a little more, it’s that stupidly awesome. He defeats the aliens WITH A VIRUS FROM A MAC, people. It doesn’t get any better than that.

It was quite a week. We had World Cup quarterfinals, during which I almost burst from happiness when Brazil got eliminated, because they’re like the Evil Alien Mothership to my Jeff Goldblum or whatever. The only sad part is that it will all be over and I will have nothing to scream obscenities at. Well, I’m sure I’ll find something. Like I could go to the movies and yell obscenities at Eclipse or The Last Airbender, which I hear are just about the two worst movies to happen, ever, but I don’t want to give them money nor do I want to get kicked out of a theater. So I’ll yell at them from far away. Gah, this has been a shitty, shitty summer for movies. Let’s hope it’s over soon.

All right. This time next week I’ll be cheering a new World Champion—as long as it’s not Spain. They’re like the little evil alien ships that make no sense at all in that movie.
Meanwhile, here’s your list!

10. When my daughter was little, she had a collection of porcelain dolls, maybe ten or twelve, that various people had given her. She loved them, and kept them on a bookshelf that faced her bed.

One time her best friend spent the night, and declared that the dolls were “creepy.”
When I went to wake them up the next morning, every single doll had a kleenex over its head, to keep them from staring at the girls while they slept.

Talk about creepy. Ten gorgeously-dressed dolls with kleenex masks is pretty fucking creepy.

And they stayed that way for years, until we redecorated her room and put the dolls in storage. —Wednesday

[That sounds absolutely terrifying. I remember watching the movie Critters when I was about 9, and it scared me so much I threw all my stuffed animals into the closet and locked it. I was born paranoid.]

9. Something’s keeping these middle-aged fans coming to these films, and it’s certainly not the quality of film-making. If it’s not the “hot” young leads, then it’s some chemical additive to the hot buttered popcorn that renders these poor fools unable to leave their seats for the 90+ minute running time. Hence, the zombie apocalypse is upon us, and will reach its apex upon the release of the final Twilight film, where Stephanie Meyers will finally add the mind-control serum to the paralysis mix in the popcorn and take over the world. The “fans” will be instructed to bite the non-believers, transferring the evil serum through saliva/blood mixing and creating more “fans.” We will be one nation, under Edward, indivisible, with sparkles and vampires for all. —Robert

[Sparklamen. Also: brrrr…that comment gave me the shivers.]

[Speaking of things that are terrifying and give me the heebies, this is about Harry Knowles]

8. That face… it just screams to get a nice clean shave with a chainsaw. Its not really murder if the person is a homunculus right? —Yankee Sodomite

[I also just love that handle.]

[On The Martian Chronicles]

7. We are going to make this movie so hard! IT IS GOING TO ROCK! Michael Bay and James Cameron are going to work together to make the best three dee explosions you have ever seen! Just WAIT until you see the Marshan Mothership Explode! Don’t worry, either, because Will Smith and I will save the day!


Our movie won’t be slowed down by all those social examinations, psychology (because YOU don’t know the HISTORY of psychology) or anthropology that made the “book” such a bore! Something WILL blow up every 90 seconds, we gurantee it! Someone WILL scream every 150 seconds! We gurantee it!

There’s no need to read anymore, people, because WE are here to tell you how to think!

—Tom Cruise - Segment Two

I think his use of my name shames me more than my predicament. —Human Centipede - Segment Two

6. What happened to the good old days of Blown in 60 Seconds, On Golden Blonde, and Saturday Night Beaver? We now live in a universe where the creative porn titles, like Anal Destination, are being used for non-porn movies and the porn industry is slapping “This Ain’t” in front of whatever and calling it whack-off material.

It’s to the point that when I watch Gangbangs of New York, I weep not for my own inadequacy but for the decline of an industry we all hold close to our loins. —Jim Doggie

[from the “Nazis on the moon” thread]

5. In response to Nazi Calamari, I think we have found the adversity to our Godtopus. Meet Squatan, Gray Uzi Totin’ Nazi Satan Squid!!

With wings! Metallic machine wings! —yocean

[I bet he really loves Michael Bay movies and is on Team Edward!]

4. You’ll use the same article to propagate women as whores?

a) What?

2) That word… I do not think it means what you think it means. —Anna von Beaverplatz

Anna: I think the word they are looking for is “plethora.” Old whores likely cannot propagate simply by definition of being both “old” (thus unable to carry child) and “whore” (selling themselves sexually, used up and undesirable, filled with diseases and being generally unclean). If I remember right I learned this on Sesame Street. Or Red Shoe Diaries, I forget which. —TylerDFC

[So remember dammitjanet’s comment here? It won her the EE. With the news that a movie is finally going through, she continues writing a better script than we’ll ever seen in the actual movie:]

3. Sandra (Cybill Shepherd) inherits her husband’s trucking company after his unfortunate halibut-fishing accident, only to discover the company is in hock up to her Botoxed eyebrows. To get out of debt, she enlists her children, all girls, to drive the trucks on the treacherous ice roads. Her daughters include troubled teen Tamara (Miley Cyrus), independent lesbian Allie (Ellen Page) and her girlfriend Cissy (Evan Rachel Wood), down-sized investment banker Bethany (Kristen Bell) and earth-mother teacher Simone (Evangeline Lilly). When their company gets out of debt and becomes successful, Sandra becomes greedy and forces the girls to continue driving during a horrific blizzard, even putting her own mother, Alice (Betty White, duh) behind the wheel of a big rig. The girls enlist some of their friends, including Sadie (Zoe Saldana), Roxanne (Rosario Dawson) and grizzled trucking veterans Mike (Bruce Willis) his son Joe (Jared Padeleki), Horace (Titus Welliver), and Ox (Ving Rhames) to help them take down their evil mother, while the ice and hearts melt.

Theme song, of course…..”Don’t wanna close my eeeyyyyeeessss/ cuz I might freeze and diiiiiieeeees/ oh, I missed the whale/ but I don’t wanna miss the seals. —dammitjanet

2. It’s really heartbreaking to see how this country is going to hell. First Obamacare and now unruly females wanting orgasms as if they were some sort of male. Neo-lesbo-commies the lot of them. If our Founding Fathers meant for women to have orgasms they would have written it into the Constitution.

/strict constructionist —BarbadoSlim

[Honestly. Orgasms are unconstitutional! Also that’s a hard word to write. Also, did you know you can’t write it without writing ‘tit’? *snerk* I kill me.]

[Our #1 this week is a beauty that arose from someone questioning the proper grammar of some … phrase or another and it devolving into a long discussion about idioms and grammar and blah blah I usually skip that stuff but this response was just too good to not win this whole thing. Behold:]

1. As long as Kirsten Dunst isn’t in the movie, it has a chance.

As to Dustin and Carlos, all I know is a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and come hell or high water I will stop beating around the afore mentioned bush by beating a dead horse at the drop of a hat which will be icing on the cake that puts me in the dog house, because it takes two to tango, for you see there is a method to my madness, being mad as a hatter, which further being out of sight, out of mind, puts us on pins and needles. But I see I am preaching to the choir, for we all know people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, which is really just rubbing salt in a wound, but in the end the bigger they are the harder they fall. However, to err is human, to forgive divine, and I’m sure you’ll agree truer words were never spoken. But now the writing is on the wall, and that is likely the straw that broke the camels back, so I will wear my heart on my sleeves, because when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Because if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. —Darcy



Bravo, Darcy! For a hilariously crafted response, you win at Pajiba this week and possibly forever because I can’t see anything topping that truly beautiful, eloquent comment. I don’t even have the proper words to congratulate you enough, so I’ll leave it for the others to do it in the comments. You are awesome.

Alright, freaks. See you next week.

Bonus Eloquent Eloquence Imagery

The following illustrations, in addition to the header image, come from the dark and depraved mind of superasente, and they are apparently what he was working on during his recent honeymoon.




Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. You can read her ramblings at her blog , where there is much snark and occasional pictorials of hot, shirtless men.

The Last Time We Met Was in Capetown. You Wore Blue, the Germans Wore Black | World Cup Coverage | Review: Saved! | If I Should Fall From Grace With God

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.