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The Book of Screwing Pandas

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 31, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 31, 2010 |

Hey there campers.

Ooh, what a week. First off I want to thank the lovely gp for taking over the column last week. I badly needed a break, and what with the week-long hangover I was suffering after the “Lost” finale (oh god please stop talking about it, OK I will) I definitely couldn’t have strung two words together. But that’s all in the past and a good thing, too.

This week I also discovered online shopping. See, I’m about 15 years too late because Honduras has like, a donkey with a bag attached to its side as its mail system and a lot of American stores wouldn’t take our credit cards anyway. So now I’m here and spending and going insane, which I think is a phase most people went through in the early ’90s. BUT I have a good justification because it seems that people really liked to have sex in September back in the ’80s or something because I have like 5 major birthdays this month and needed presents. So I went a little crazy and now am feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I also bought an AWESOME gift for MrFig. I was gonna gush about how awesome and nerdy it was and tell you what it is but now I won’t because I don’t know how often he reads this. He mostly doesn’t, but every now and then he will, and of course it’ll just happen to be the one day when I post something about wanting to jump Jon Hamm or whatever. AWESOME TIMING. So, like him, you’ll have to wait. Because I know you will.

So. It’s almost midnight, it’s 80 F outside and I think we can safely say that summer’s started. Enjoy your barbecues and pools and get you some hot cabana boys. Or girls. Here’s your first EE of the summer:

10. Dearest Messrs Lindelof and Cuse,

This is my first and last letter to you. Enclosed are my severed middle digits. Please insert, rectally, and then rotate, slowly, in the direction of your choice.

Kindest regards,


[Aaah, the rage…it is so…refreshing…]

9. I was musing about the old whores problem, and I thought I could help by offering some options. I believe there are ways to insult the SATC world without condemning female sexuality that will also more accurately represent our feelings about the four main characters. I’ve even simplified it by allowing you to mix and match! Let’s begin.

Step 1: Choose at least one adjective.











Step 2: Select one noun/noun phrase.

Wastes of Space





Okay, it was easier to think of adjectives. Now, on to Step 3: COMBINE!

Example: The characters of SATC can be classified as Vapid Shallow Nincompoops.
This is way more fun, plus your feminist readers won’t cringe every time you write about the SATC franchise. —Ruth

[Very sound advice. I particularly love the ‘Vain Plagues’ combo.]

8. Oh damn, now you’re onto our plan: smokin, geep and I were going to infect Pajiba with teh ghey and it would all go down hill from there. Because that’s how teh gheyness works. —Jeremy Feist

[Shit! Someone get me an old priest and a young priest and some holy water!]

7. Drake, a lot of links on here get blocked by my work computer as well, but I get an added bonus. See, my employer will put the reason the page is blocked as well usually it will say something like “Web filtered: Games” or Web Filtered: Gossip”. Well one day I click a Pajiba Love link and it gives me “Web filtered: Tasteless”. Yes that’s right, my work computer judged me, that bitch. —Even Stevens

6. I nearly have a heart attack any time Tila Tequila appears on my screen.

1) Because she’s terrible

2) Because she’s a gremlin

3) Because seeing her makes me obligated to punch someone in the solar plexus, and since I’m usually by myself when I check entertainment/gossip blogs, this doesn’t end well for me —Amanda6

5. I love babies. I do. The mere sight of a chubby face or a rubber-band wrist reduces me to a dithering heap of sentiment. The faintest strain of a baby’s laugh has been known to provoke me to spontaneous squeals of delight in a pitch so high that only dogs can hear it.

But I still prefer RDJ to Iron Baby. When she’s got the helmet on, she looks like Iron Midget.

It’s a good thing I’m not a midgetphobe like my buddy DP. He once nearly pissed himself in public because he thought that a trash can down a dark alley was a midget lying in wait. What the midget would have been waiting for, I have no idea. —Jelinas

[LITTLE PEOPLE. But…heeheehee…]

4. I can’t wait until that baby panda is legal. Well, not legal legal, more like morally legal. Of course, not your morals, but my morals. Then again, I don’t have morals. That’s why I screw pandas. And now legal and moral don’t look like words anymore. Not that they ever were, in my book, The Book of Screwing Pandas. —jM

[jM, your depravity knows no bounds…]

3. The body snarking is getting a bit vicious. —Jennifer

You have no idea, Jennifer. It’s just one of the group affectations that you learn to endure here. As a past defender of both SJP and Julia Roberts — neither of whom I’m crazy about but neither of whom I find unattractive — I’ve learned to rein in…no, scratch that…to bridle my…er, that doesn’t work either…to saddle the…oh, never mind. —Che Grovera

[Awful, but awesome. Awfsome.]

2. Why is she snorting Ambien? Wouldn’t it be easier to just swallow the damn thing, like you’re supposed to?

You’d be surprised at how easy and effective snorting can be.

Ambien, Smarties, chimichangas, pocket change, you name it. —branded

1. [Referring to Lady Gaga] “Also, after seeing what she wears on stage if she does have a penis she’s either the Leonard Da Vinci of tuck jobs or she’s the one penis bearing person Michael Bay might actually beat in a dick measuring contest.”

I wish people would stop disparaging me. I’m not that tiny. When Master polishes me, I can give him a couple of good inches to work with. And besides, I’m more of a cultured penis than a show penis. I can type e-mails (and screenplays) when Master lets me roam, and too much girth might cause me to hit multiple keys. When an actress comes in for an “audition,” I call up my buddies the testicles and, as Master says, “we give that fucking ho a good dicking.” If we weren’t adequate, they wouldn’t compliment Master, now would they? As if Hollywood actresses would lie for a role! Hey, here’s an audition now. Oh, she’s lovely, so I need to do my stretching exercises. Get up closer, you balls, we’re going in. This is gonna be sloppy… Master doesn’t use condoms. —-Michael Bay’s penis



For an eloquent, heartfelt prayer for all of our sympathy, you win this week’s List of Awesome. I don’t even really want to know who it is, because the image of a teeny microscopic Baynis typing away in Gollum-like fashion just absolutely kills me. Plus I love the idea that Michael Bay’s Penis is an Eloquent. And I hope to hear more from you.

And that’s it for this week! Special thanks to [comma] for a Weekend Diversion full of hilarity—go check it out, including my own story of how my dad threw giant rocks at bus drivers.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She can’t think of anything witty to write here, but you can read her blog if you have nothing better to do.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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