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Pee in her Bug

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 20, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 20, 2010 |

Hello, minions of Godtopus and his many saints and things. I had an amazing weekend, filled with Pajibans and booze and food and then more booze and more Pajibans. I got to meet Blonde_Savant (who is not so Blonde because she lies) and Intern Rusty who is awesome and there were a bunch more Pajibans there and it was fab. There’s something to be said about the quality of people who visit this place that every single Pajiban I’ve met has been hilarious, smart and (of course) sexy as all hell. We burnt up the place and I didn’t end up getting home til 3am. Good thing it was Sunday. But now it’s 8pm and the Sunday blues are kicking in full force and I’m thinking that why can’t it be a Pajiba party every day. Sadface.

Anyway. I’d gladly make you all jealous but I have to at least try and get to sleep a little early today so I can wake up on time for work and not be exhausted. God, I hate being an adult with responsibilities and why can’t I get a reality show and become famous for no reason at all? It’s not fair. Pajibaworld could make us millions, what with GP photo bombing quinceanera photoshoots at the Arboretum and witnessing hooker fights at the hole-in-the-wall diner at 2am. Wait, did I say I’d stop making you jealous? I lied.

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy your Monday Night Football, don’t wake up with a hangover tomorrow, and bring me some funny stuff for next week. Here’s your list.

10. I only got one question wrong on the Shyamalan quiz. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed.

Be proud until the twist at the end when it turns out you were ashamed all along. —mswas

[I like ‘em when they’re short and snarky.]

9. OK. The title of the ballet is called “The Nutcracker.” The title of this movie is called “The Nutcracker (in 3gofuckyourselfD).” THEN WHY IN SWEET FUCK IS THE MAIN MALE PROTAGONIST A FRIGGIN PUPPET??? Nutcrackers are awesome and useful. Puppets are terrifying. Especially wooden ones with crazy joints that come alive. That’s right Pinocchio, you creepy mother fucker, I’m looking at you, too. But seriously? IT’S IN THE DAMNED TITLE!!! How do you fuck that up??? HOW? Andrei Konchalovsky, I am gonna come over there to whatever Eastern European country your name comes from and NUT CRACK YOUR FACE.

::end rant:: —KatSings

[I just love the “nut crack your FACE” bit so very much.]

8. You know what? I watched that video of Christine O’Donnell on Deus Ex Malcontent while bedazzling the disco stick. Twice. —admin

[…bedazzling the disco stick? That’s a new one.]

7. Oprah Winfrey? for acting like your shit don’t stink when it totally does, i give you, FOOOOORGIIIIIIIIIIIIVENEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!11111ONE

YOU get forgiveness and YOU get forgiveness… EVERYBODY GETS FORGIVEEEENESSSSS!!!!

except you, tyler perry. you really should die in a remarkably hot fire. —stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady

[The revelation that characters in the new movie ‘The Romantics’ have names like Minnow and Tripler led to a lot of hilarious disbelief and disgust from the commenters. I wonder if this comment was part of the dialogue for the movie:]

6. You guys just don’t understand great art. “Minnow” is her name because her character is alegorical to the petite fish. She posseses ichthyic characteristics such as glistening skin, wide eyes and a ravenous hunger for flecks of bread (itself analogous of cast off, misbegotten love). Minnows are typcially a fish used for bait, so when she rips her sister’s dress she is “baiting” her sister’s desperation and repressed anger, and driving the story towards it’s inevitable “catch,” the final showdown between the two ex-lovers.

“Tripler” is clearly a subtle homage’ to the popular 1980’s sitcom character, “Jack Tripper,” who we know was involved in a precarious living situation with two members of the opposite sex. And since Jack Tripper himself was an homage’ to Mary Shelly’s little known follow up to “Frankenstein”, specifically the tragic character Lionel Verney who must survive a contagion-caused apocalypse in “The Last Man,” we can only assume that Tripler is a sophisticated alegory for the poisonous — deseased, even — results of multiple love interests. She must survive her own apocalypse, I suppose. *expressive sigh* —superasente

5. Wait. Waitwaitwait. Just so I’m entirely clear on this whole thing: The penis is supposed to go inside the vagina? Is that the gist of it?

And here I’ve thought you just kind of lay on top of a girl you really, really, like until your
belly starts to tingle and then you’re supposed to take down your zipper and pee in her bug.

That’s the wrong way?

Pfft - whatever you say Doc. P - my ex-wife had no complaints. None whatsoever.

Hate. —Skitz

[I admit I have almost no fucking clue what this next one is about, but I just…I like the big words and the use of the words concupiscence, pustule and, um, phossy.]

4. All of these ‘Go-Go-Gadget G-Spot’ trials by concupiscence, I don’t understand these things. Having sex before the age of sixty-twelve might have occured or been acceptable in the days when thirteen-year-olds were goosing about London, shedding a perfect, crystaline syph tear in the coal-blackened snow. Watching all of the ale-soaked merrymaking patrons from the outside while a certain Mr. Defoe is served another slice of maggoty cheese down at The Pox And The Pustule could be enough—that’s the dream! So no arguments here. But now? Why? Nothing’s worth the behaviour anymore, I mean, when was the last time you had a giant wedge or cheese that shone on you face as you consumed because the lead made it that much more the yellow? Exactly, so what’s the point? What world is this? At least we can say, ‘It’s still better than phossy jaw’. Anyway, a particularly virulent case of that would rob some of her claims of a certain plausibility. —Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

[Speaking of incomprehensible, guess who’s back?!]

3. Has anyone been as far without dead people?!?!?! I’ve go look never been to use sick, I’ve never had even been go wish injured… what do I do now? As to decide alright, there event appears more like to be further an happening go want. We’ll look more like be safe, we more as anyone can have the magic rocks. Am without I to want go die, because one really be as to go need I wrote this? Swing away. —Adventureman

[Adventureman, I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.]

2. So, does this open doorways? a grinch horror movie where he slides down the chimney and sucks the life out of children in whoville? The Epic Of Rudolph the freedom fighting red? Little Drummer Boy as a postwar trauma drama? The nativity as an Alien symbiont invasion story?

could be a bottomless pit of new fodder. fuck christmas in the ass with a conifer and rake it in at the box office —idleprimate

[I want to watch Rudolph the Freedom Fighting Red. Make it happen.]

[Our #1 this week comes from the thread for the review of A Woman, A Gun and a Noodle Shop, which ended with Prisco’s comment that the movie was like Se7en done like a Sesame Street Musical. Take it from there.]

1. “Eeernie..your head’s clean off

You were just too damn soft

I can’t believe it’s all so bloody

You’re gone now, my little buddy!!”

From the musical “one, two, three..Se7en, Se7en!! ah,ah,ah” —Mrcreosote


Heeheehee. So very, very wrong. So very right. Congratulations, MrC, you’ve won the week. Again, I think. I can’t keep track of these things. Anyone who wants to fight it can come meet me behind the dumpster. Bring foam noodles.

Alright, that’s it for this week. Give me some good ones, guys. Also, my birthday is on Thursday so you bitches have damn well better get me a cake, or at least some damn candy or a cupcake with a candle on it. If not, I accept MasterCard. Woop!

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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