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Nails in my Face, But the Rust Is in My Soul

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 25, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 25, 2010 |

It’s a week before Halloween, and for the first time ever, I’m feeling it. See, I went to college in upstate NY, and they did Halloween there but I was always either too poor to get dressed up and go somewhere to drink, or I just didn’t like bars and drunk people. I was also kind of antisocial then. Plus everyone just seemed to dress like either a slut or a pimp, and it’s college so that’s not surprising, but it never really called to me. Other than that, we don’t really do Halloween in Honduras and I never even went trick-or-treating, which always made me sad because I love me some free candy. Anyway, this time we finally get trick-or-treaters, and we get to dress up and go to parties and I get some mothereffing free candy. Exciting! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t care how much you whine about the commercialization of holidays here, I just love how Americans do their holidays and random special celebrations. Booze, food and candy. Themed candy. I love this country! And then there’s Thanksgiving coming up! Holy damn! USA! USA! USA!

Ahem. Not my fault I have a sweet tooth the size of Texas. It’s genetic or something. And with my mom being a doctor and all health conscious and whatever I never got to really enjoy candy, you know? There’s some repressed desires here. I just want some damn candy. Stop saying candy. OK.

So, enjoy your week and I hope you get either a lot of candy, a lot of booze or that you at least get to see some adorable kids in adorable costumes. If you have a kid, dress him up in something hilarious. One of the reasons I’d love to have kids is that I could dress them up for Halloween! But then I guess you can do the same with a dog or even a gerbil. Point is: enjoy your week, and here’s your list! (Yeah the way my brain hops about sometimes really hurts me, too)

Also there’s only 9 on the list this week, because…um, well, I didn’t find another one. So there.

9. I bet BaBeyonce will come straight out of the womb with a full weave, stilettos, and a record contract. —jM

[I just loved “BaBeyonce” way too much. I also hope it catches on so that we can say that jM started it on Pajiba.]

8. [About Sarah Palin’s new Nature show] I’ll say this for her, at least she’s the only one willing to safeguard our constitutional right to arm bears. —BarbadoSlim

7. Actually, I think that in this case, spelling it h-o-o-e-r makes it okay. My cousin Raylean, on the other hand, is a whore. She’s twenty-six, so for the past eight years, she’s been a filthy, filthy whore. Prior to that? Total hooer. Before that? Skank. See? I’m pretty sure that’s how it works on the interwebs. —Skitz

[This next one came from the thread announcing another Hellraiser movie, and how very emo the photo of Pinhead looked]

6. He’s so ready to go to The Killers concert and then shuttle back home and write some death poetry.

Pain is torment,
My life is is pain
I am torment

No one understands me,
These chains holding back my freedom

People are so shallow
Like a really not deep sea
Mom and Dad lie to themselves
Can’t see the sadness overwhelming me

Nails in my face,
But the rust is in my soul.
Longing for something
To take my misery, make me whole.

/single tear

Cenobite on the outside
Is there a person within?
Leviathan is everywhere around me
Pushing another pin deeper in

“Hurting Painfulness” —Pinhead


[On Christine O’Donnell’s “I’m Not A Witch” ad]

5. Great, now we have to weigh her against a duck, just to be sure. —Vi

[Hee. I love a good Monty Python reference.]

4. Article was kinda, dull (skipped thru it), but the comments were excellent irregardless of, punctuation and dashes, and what matters’ to me and I could have given a crap - - literally and figuratively — like on the facebook, is that I understand what they are trying to say, so off to netflicks to check on me cue and peace out cool chics!

(and TrickyHD is out with an ankle on that above attempt at sarcasm) —TrickyHD

[Huzzah for making the grammar Nazis bleed out of their ears!]

3. Friends, here at Tracer Bullet’s Discount Boobatorium, we give you the knockers you want for LESS. How? Volume, my friends, volume.

Anesthetic is expensive and unreliable. If anesthetic is so great, why is it so hard to spell? While the big guys charge you for such frills, we provide you with all the scotch or margaritas, your choice, you can drink.

At Tracer Bullet’s Discount Boobatorium, it’s a party not a procedure!

Millions of women have their implants replaced every year. Instead of throwing out those like-new implants, we buy them cheap and pass the savings on to you! Instead of taking up valuable landfill space, these re-implants are making you look great in tight sweaters!

Go green while saving some green and turning other women green with envy!

So come on down to an anonymous, dimly-lit building in the warehouse district and get a new you today!

Tracer Bullet’s Discount Boobatorium. Save a stack on your new rack. —Tracer Bullet

2. I just had another idea! Spray on dick sealer*! Surely we can formulate something that isn’t as toxic/lethal** as std’s***? And it should be clear, and balloony textured - so that at the end? The guy can spin around to the camera and pop the funbubble and there’s your money shot! It’ll be like hubba bubba****!

*I have so far failed the lesbian market. Apologies.

**The product should dissolve in mineral oil.

***I am honestly sad about the performers risking their lives for the sake of pleasing the clearly-in-existence ‘go bare’ demographic. Our sex workers - all types of them - deserve far more respect than we give them. These men and women feed the soul as much as the body.

****I’m really sorry. I’ll stop now. —replica

[Oh, I love you, replica. So much! Also, ewwwwwwwwwww!]

1. To be fair, “danced in a fucking gorilla suit” is a fine and apt metaphor for sleeping with a Levi Johnson.

“So, Ophelia, did you manage to ditch that asshole in a wife beater at the club on Friday?”

“No, I danced in a fucking gorilla suit and now he won’t stop sending me pictures of his cock.” —Ophelia

Ta-daa! Congratulations, Ophelia! You’ve come up with a beautiful new way to describe a really terrible decision in every way imaginable, because, really, actually dancing in a gorilla suit is just one of many steps taken in the wrong direction. Specially if you’re Bristol Palin. Anyway, you win…well I’d say a gorilla suit but I don’t want it to have a double meaning, so you can have a banana or something.

Also note how the top 3 posts all mention either penises or boobs. Because that’s the way we like it over here.

Anyway, congrats to the top 9 and I’ll see you next week. May none of you dance in a gorilla suit in public.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

Pajiba Love 25/10/10 | An Innocent Victim of Murderous Female Desire | The Evolution of Michael Douglas

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.